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• Kelly Osbourne thinks Paris Hilton inspires parents to dress their children like hookers. Would she rather the children of the world take fashion cues from her?


• Is Liz Hurley all knocked up again? Does anyone care?

• Nicky Hilton calls Mischa Barton a "fat pig". Huh. Maybe she meant "stuck pig"?

• Remember those Lisa Loeb thong shots we showed you yesterday? Of course you do. Well, now you can see those pictures move! It's called "the talkies", which translates to "motile ass".

• Jodie "Stephanie Tanner" Sweetin was a meth head, but she's since Cut! It! Out!

• Oh, speaking of thongs, flash leads to a see-through dress in Alyssa Milanoland.

• Egotastic!'s got the poop scoop on what's really going down betwixt Sienna Miller and Darth Vader. It's considerably less sexy than previously thought.

• Tyra Banks rocks the pit stubble. Fierce!!!

• Quote of the year: "If you're going to be raped in a movie, it may as well be Vincent Cassel." Oh, Jennifer Aniston, you are so terribly high-larious.

• Oh yeah, Oscar nominees.

• Tom Cruise's next potential film project will be a "contemporary romance". We have a good idea for a romantic film! Boy divorces girl, elders at boy's cult pay new girl to perpetrate like she's dating boy, boy jumps on furniture, cult elders impregnate girl with mythical animal-human hybrid, and . . . aw, never mind. Nobody would buy it.  

You may think your twenty-first birthday was bad, but after the barf was mopped up and the couch cushions were flipped over, the only real lasting effects were the derision of your loved ones and a case of HPV. Kelly Osbourne nearly had to pay $100,000 worth of damages, thanks to--you know him! You love him! Allll together now--Stamos Nachos!  

It's time for the Jolly Greek Giant to hide his Gold Cards in his spinach-leaf tunic and climb back up his beanstalk to his giant lair in sky, as it is being reported that Stamos Nachos and Paris Hilton have broken up. Paris has been seen wandering the streets of Las Vegas desperately searching for a replacement shipping heir in between vicious scratching and biting attacks from her pet monkey.  

• Pink says she wants to have lezzie sex with Kelly Osbourne. Well, that makes one of us.

• Jessica Alba pokes our eyes out. With her tits.

• Renée Zellweger's behatted bygone ball and chain Kenny Chesney assures us that he's "pretty firm" in his sexuality. Just pretty firm, though.

• Stamos Nachos learns an important lesson: when driving Paris Hilton's Bentley under the influence while chased by paparazzi and while bystanders are filming the whole melee, do not obscure your drunken double vision with your jacket or you will crash into a truck, leaving your girlfriend no other recourse than to blow kisses at the cops. Oh, please, like we all haven't been there.

• Mischa Barton's publicist once urged her to play hide-the-hot-dog with Leonardo diCaprio to further her career. Mischa expressed digust, not because he looks like a weepy-eyed Pekingese or the fact that he was on Growing Pains and totally has gross Ben Seaver germs, but because he's "like, thirty, or something".

• Jessica Simpson tried to pull an Angelina and went on a humanitarian mission to Africa, only to fake sick. Because she's an asshole.

• Models! Fluffy wings! Horny elves! Tyra Banks's farewell to modeling! Asses curiously devoid of cellulite! Light-up tit-tays! Candy canes! Inexplicable puffballs! High-res pics! Heidi Klum having a better body 8 hours after giving birth than we had at age 16! It's the Victoria's Secret fashion show! Wheeee!

 

We've all known that Ozzy Osbourne is totally nuts for some time now. And we're not talking about the whole biting-the-head-off-a-dove thing or peeing on the Alamo. That can all be blamed on the drugs. But in his sober, old-man, burrito-eating, incoherently mumbling state his behavior is more baffling than ever. His brain seems even to have confused his daughter Kelly with his wife, resulting in true ickyness.  

Kelly Osbourne gits to wrasslin' at a London pub. It's not quite up to America's Next Top Model "Bitch poured a beer on my WEAVE!" bar catfight standards, but it'll do.  

Celeb offspring Kelly Osbourne says that the producers of her TV show Life As We Know It dressed her to appear fat, although she's merely "big-boned". You and Eric Cartman, sister. Furthermore, Kelly has an angry uterus. Read on.