• Hilary Duff has dropped her older emo craprocker lover with MySpace hair.

• She's also dropped the lower 2 inches off those much-maligned veneers. Neiggggh!

• J. Lo can't seem to make a baby. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that her husband is a reanimated corpse. That was mean.

• In this crazy age of full-on spread pink Britney labia in our faces, it's kind of refreshing and titillating to see a lady in a bikini. Good on ya, Kelly Brook.

• Rihanna, on the other hand, is taking a page from the Merry Divorcée and serving up lippage.

• Britney has mysteriously pulled out of planned joint Billboard Awards hosting duties, leaving Paris to go it solo. That marks the very first time you've ever heard "Britney" and "pulled out" in the same sentence.

• Borat blamed for the Pam Anderson-Kid Rock split. In related news, Borat causes global warming, racial profiling was Borat's idea, and Borat sold all that vodka to Mel Gibson.

• Note to Snoop: YOU HAVE MONEY. HIRE SOMEONE TO CARRY YOUR DRUGS AND GUNS FOR YOU.

 

• Following her guest-starring role as lottery winner Dawn Budge on Nip/Tuck, Rosie O'Donell will be doing a spinoff series. A Dawn Budge spinoff but no Riding the Bus with My Sister spinoff? God, the injustice in this world.

• We can see right through Mischa Barton.

• And after that, she pokes out our eyeballs so that we might never see again.

• Lance and Matt: forever putting the "ghey" in "McConaughey"!

• Ellen Barkin would like you to know that she has fucked George Clooney. Big deal. Join the club.

• Kelly Brook's underwear can be yours. In fact, Kelly Brook's underwear can be anybody's now.

• Suzanne Somers wrote a new book about hormone replacement therapy being the fountain of youth. Before you go clamoring to pick up a copy and a side of progesterone, have a gander at the results. Sweet fancy Moses on a cracker!

• Whitney Houston is legally extricating herself from Bobby Brown. Hopefully she'll get custody of a better weave. Oh yeah! We went there! That's right!

• Heather Mills is alleging that Paul McCartney roughed her up during their marriage. Oh, please. That's like saying you got roofied by Cat Stevens. Paul McCartney? Macca? Seriously? The worst we can picture is him smoking a laced doob and giving a half-hearted slap with some organic radishes or something.

• The wrestlers of the WWE had their way with Kevin Federline the other night. And while the pictures of K-Fed getting body-slammed in the ring are pleasant enough, we can't help but yearn for the quality WWF days of our youth and wish that Junkyard Dog and the Iron Sheik would join forces to tag-team Federline, while Lou Albano shot rubber bands from the sidelines and afterwards, Rowdy Roddy Piper would make a man out of K-Fed during a Backlot Brawl.  

• Janet Jackson says that her sex life was great when she was fat, and that her Ewok lover Jermaine Dupri would "grab me, pull me around the stomach, look me in the eyes and say, 'This needs love too!'" And then he'd gently insert his penis into her stomach folds.

• Britney Spears reportedly had a tummy tuck following the birth of SPFsquared. Slowly inching closer and closer to Tara Reid territory (Taratory?).

• Little Aaron Carter is engaged! To a Playboy Playmate! Presumeably, his pneumatic bride-to-be has seen AARON CARTER SHIRTLESS.

• Safely ogle Kelly Brook in her underwear from the comfort of your own home, free from fear of retaliation at the hands of your friend Billy Zane.

• Lindsay Lohan is looking to move to England, most likely because the English are the only people who can drink her under the table.

• Jackass Steve-O tells us, in great detail, about the time he masturbated onto Nicole Richie's back. And then her semi-exposed spinal column recognized the protein content of the expelled liquid and, revolted at the idea of nourishment, quickly whipped the offending substance away from Richie's person.

• Courtney Love and Whitney Houston: not only are they recovering substance abusers, they both have names that end in -tney! BFFs!

• Paris takes advantage of Lindsay Lohan's absence; flirts with Harry Morton. When the exposed pussy lips are away, the skank will play.

• Asia Argento turns 31 today, and celebrates by picking G-string bikini bottoms out of her anus. Mazel tov!  

OK, we've searched every single media outlet available to us, contacted our Deep Throats in twelve different countries, obsessively checked the hidden cameras we have secreted away in various sundry colonic clinics around the greater Hollywood area, and we've still got nothing. An entire twenty-four hours have passed without Britney Spears getting pregnant, and as far as we can tell, Lindsay Lohan managed to contain her labia within the confines of her clothing, so we're going to take up space by posting pictures of English actress Kelly Brook wearing a bikini.

 

• K-Fed is all, "Yo, remember when I did PopoZao? Yo, I was just funnin' y'all. No, surriously. When my REAL shit drops, y'all are gonna go nuts. No, really. PopoZao: just a big ha-ha. I meant to do that. Yo. Yo."

• BREAKING: Hugh Hefner has had sexual intercourse with ladies!!!

• "Elizabeth Hurley See-Through Nipple" does not actually mean that her nipple is transluscent, you realize.

• Hilary Swank tells People that her split from husband Chad "brother of Rob" Lowe was not, in fact, due to her being a huge mega multiple Oscar-winning superstar acting Hollywood juggernaut while he had a few guest spots on CSI: Miami and Medium. It was because he's a druggie. Dun dun DUNNNN!

• Your friend Billy Zane orders his colossally-kanockered girlfriend Kelly Brook to wear only enormous, dowdy underpants. Because he is a bad man.

• Paris Hilton sets sights on passing down the wonkeye gene.

• Kingston Rossdale and Piloh Shitt had a little play date. Ah, yes. Angelina and Brad are already making quite sure that their facially fortunate offspring consorts with only the prettiest peers. Excellent, excellent.

• Our gossip doula, FemaleFirst, agrees with us that Natalie Portman will indeed be naked for real in her next film.

• Keira Knightley says, "I'm not anorexic. But my grandma was. And my great-grandma was. And also, Tracey Gold was."  

Fiancée of your friend Billy Zane/actress Kelly Brook is known more for her staggeringly huge, all-natural yams than her genitalia. However, if she flashes said crotch while keeping the breasts covered, you're not going to soil your diapers and scream and wail and pound your fists on the ground and throw your rattle, probably. Unless you have an adult baby fetish. In which case: carry on.  

• Maggie Gyllenhaal's been impregnated by, and is now engaged to, Peter Sarsgaard. Congrats, Gaardhaal.

• We told you about Sienna Miller supposedly being snapped doing some career-threateningly embarrassing cavorting at a VF party. Here are the pics. BFD.

• Kristanna Loken: if you're Loken for an upskirt shot, you've found one.

• Jennifer Love Hewitt says that Fez is a dirty liar and that she absolutely did not take a ride on his baloney pony.

• Keri Russell, NAKED in a magazine. However, it's Vanity Fair, so there's no real Felicity felititty.

• Women want Kelly Brook's body. They want her body baaad.

• Paris Hilton shows off her sultry pipes. And for once, we're not talking about her poon chasm.

• That little girl from Pete and Pete is now a plumber.

• Mariah Carey's foxy ex-boyfriend upgrades to Cindy Crawford. She's planning on leaving her husband and moving into her new love's refrigerator box in Shantytown, USA.  

When it comes to boobs, pertness and stupefying heft are generally mutually exclusive. But every once in a while, the great glandular gods who sit upon nipply thrones on a huge, tit-shaped cloud in the sky harness their powers and create a pair that combine the size of extra-jumbo cinnabuns with the perk of a nubile young lass in the bloom of early adolescence. You know what we're getting at here. We're getting at Kelly Brook.  

Oh, hey. Here's a third clip of Kelly Brook's big ole bouncing beans from Three. A girl, a boy, her rack, a beach, and some really cringeworthy "acting". But who cares about how Kelly delivers her lines when her boobs have obviously really honed their craft?  

• Bai Ling wants to marry her boyfriend, Backstreet Boy/Hilton slugger Nick Carter. Please, God. We don't ask for much. But we're begging and pleading here. Let this union happen. Oh, the stories we would write! And the pictures! My God! The pictures!

• Another clip of Kelly Brook's two in Three.

• Despite being a boozy druggie and cramming his weenis into hookers, Charlie Sheen has been taken back by his estranged wife, Denise Richards. Welp, good luck with that.

• She's alive! A Natasha Lyonne sighting is like catching a glimpse of mythical cobbler elves. Only crackier.

• Hey, look. Naked supermodel.

• We're, like, 50 billion days late on this, but Vincent Gallo has put his sperm up for sale. Perhaps Rod Stewart/Danny Wood/George Michael can buy a gallon of it, get their stomachs pumped, and make that urban legend a reality.

 

Kelly Brook's fight to keep her truly spectacular boobs out of her new movie, Three, have fallen on deaf ears and blind eyes and . . . gimpy knees? Or something. At any rate, glorious clips of one of her new nude scenes have hit the computerweb today, proving that you can't keep a good mam down.  

English people have accents that make them sound smart, busses that have two levels, a really big clock, and the world's most brutal sports fans. Yessiree, seems like they've got it all, but here in the US of A we've always felt safe and snug in the understanding that we will always have the trampiest, least-dressed women. And then the Brits invented Kelly Brook and her staggeringly colossal breasts and now we're empty vessels, left with nothing but grief. Grief, and the comforting knowledge that we still have better pizza than England.  

Being Americans, we don't really know who Kelly Brook is, other than the fact that she has spectacular snoobs and has taken up with the charming and highly mockable Billy Zane. But what's made us sit up and take notice is not the huge boobs or the Billy Zane, but the fact that although she gets naked, often and with zeal, she now wants the naked scenes from her new movie, Three, to be cut.
OK, maybe it was the huge boobs that made us take notice. But still.