• Kirsten Dunst's teatlets meet a lace-paneled dress, peekaboo nippage ensues. The pictures are old, but so are you, geezer.

• John Mayer and Jessica Simpson are together again, naturally. Even though they say they weren't together in the first place. But they are now. Probably. Eh.

• Well, we had the dubious honor of viewing the Screech sex tape yesterday. What can we say about it? He refers to himself in the third person, as "the D Man", he is more interested in the various edibles the ladies have around their hotel room than their vaginas, and the first 15 minutes consist of Dustin and his lady in a bubble bath, discussing the finer points of 24. Fleshbot has their own review. And screencaps.

• Agent Scully had a baby! And despite her insistence that the child was sired by boyfriend Clyde Klotz, her ex-husband Julian Ozanne is demanding a paternity test. So we can find out it's half-alien. And then Mulder will watch porn and there will be sexual tension, etc.

• Australian Holly Valance's nipple boomerangs out of her swimsuit. Crikey!

• Keira Knightley is engaged to her actor arm candy Rupert Friend. Can you imagine calling up your parents and saying, "Mom, Dad, I am going to be Mrs. Rupert Friend"? And then your parents would howl with laughter and say, "Sure, and I'm about to marry Nigel Sparkleshowers! Ahahahaha! His best man will be Cecil Rhys-Babybunnybottom! Hahahahaha!"

• Penelope Cruz half naked for Pirelli. Why are you still reading this?

• Janet Jackson has made whoopee on a plane. In her seat. Surrounded by passengers. And peanuts. And crying babies. And manhandled issues of Flight magazine. And the heady stench of impeding fiery death. Anyone else have a boner right now?

• Will Smith says that he and Jada are homeschooling their children, because history and dates aren't important, and anything of consequence you need to know, like for example how to fly a space shuttle, can be found in books. So if you see a couple of confused children wandering around Hollywood, scratching their asses and crying because they don't know how to find bus fare or talk to non-Cruises, but do know how to commandeer a submarine, they would be the Smith progeny.  

If you've been keeping up on the life and times of Jordan (and we know you have been, because you love tits, and she's got gargantuan ones) you know that she has a really interesting existence. So interesting, in fact, that she needed to write file her nails and look on approvingly as someone else wrote three volumes on her (surely randy) adventures (girl is frickin' twenty-eight!). And naturally after Paramount loses the rights to the life stories of Goldie Hawn, Tori Spelling, Minnie Mouse, and Saskatoon's local crazy cat lady, Jordan's memoirs will make a killer movie. And because Jordan happens to be a casting genius (we heard she was the true force behind the whole Gwen Stefani/Jean Harlow thing) she wants Keira Knightley to play her. Because that wouldn't be at all like Kate Bosworth wanting Gilbert Grape's mom to star in her life story.  

You know that picture you have hanging next to your bed of Keira Knightley, the one that you drew all over with a red Sharpie, giving her Pam Anderson-sized boobs and a penis protruding out of her forehead like a unicorn horn? Well, carry on, our perverted brethren, because Keira doesn't care how people manipulate her photographs. But may we suggest that in your next draft you lower the penis slightly and render her eyes into a pair of balls? We think it would make a more poignant artistic statement.  

• K-Fed is all, "Yo, remember when I did PopoZao? Yo, I was just funnin' y'all. No, surriously. When my REAL shit drops, y'all are gonna go nuts. No, really. PopoZao: just a big ha-ha. I meant to do that. Yo. Yo."

• BREAKING: Hugh Hefner has had sexual intercourse with ladies!!!

• "Elizabeth Hurley See-Through Nipple" does not actually mean that her nipple is transluscent, you realize.

• Hilary Swank tells People that her split from husband Chad "brother of Rob" Lowe was not, in fact, due to her being a huge mega multiple Oscar-winning superstar acting Hollywood juggernaut while he had a few guest spots on CSI: Miami and Medium. It was because he's a druggie. Dun dun DUNNNN!

• Your friend Billy Zane orders his colossally-kanockered girlfriend Kelly Brook to wear only enormous, dowdy underpants. Because he is a bad man.

• Paris Hilton sets sights on passing down the wonkeye gene.

• Kingston Rossdale and Piloh Shitt had a little play date. Ah, yes. Angelina and Brad are already making quite sure that their facially fortunate offspring consorts with only the prettiest peers. Excellent, excellent.

• Our gossip doula, FemaleFirst, agrees with us that Natalie Portman will indeed be naked for real in her next film.

• Keira Knightley says, "I'm not anorexic. But my grandma was. And my great-grandma was. And also, Tracey Gold was."  

It's not often that you'll find us celebrating the fact that an actress is eschewing a bikini to go fully-clothed on the beach. But when the actress is question is Keira Knightley, she of the lovely name and alluring pursed upper lip, and she's wearing a completely wet and utterly sheer tank top, you'll quickly see the reason we're making merry like a roving band of woodland gnomes in a clover field.  

We spent the weekend working on our impressions (so far we've got Charles Nelson Reilly and Ross Perot down). We would stand in front of our mirror and look at our normal face then turn away and come back with a totally different face. It was like we'd had a really speedy visit from Kenny Rogers's plastic surgeon. But our best impression by far has to be Keira Knightley. It was really easy 'cause all we had to do was suck in our cheeks to look emaciated and say "fuck" a lot.  

Angelina Jolie's futon-lipped mug dons the cover of People's annual "100 Most Beautiful" issue. Not to be outdone, the UK version of FHM magazine named Keira Knightley the Sexiest Woman Alive. There's only one way to settle this. And that's with tea and scones at noon followed by a civilized game of chess. No, no, not a naked Vaselined caged match. Why on earth would we want to see something like that?

 

To all you guys who saw Bend it Like Beckham and Pirates of the Caribbean and Pride and Prejudice (your girlfriend made you go, we're sure): If it weren't for you Keira Knightley would be a couple shots of Jameson away from going home with the first willing man to shag his brains out and leave without even exchanging names. Thanks a lot, guys.  

Keira Knightley is a petite Brit with bite-sized cans. Mariah Carey is a brassy American with colossal breasts. Keira is an actress. Mariah is a singer. Keira starred in a movie with Johnny Depp. Mimi starred in a video with Snoop Doggy Dogg. But despite outward appearances, these two have more in common than you think. The thing they have in common is recent upskirt shots. But only one of these ladies prefers to don underdrawers. So . . . um . . . we guess they don't have much in common after all.  

Another day, another lad mag tells you whom you should masturbate to tonight. And in what may be the upset of the century--or at least right behind that whole Crash/Brokeback Mountain thing--Scarlett Johansson is now your top masturbatory fantasy. Jessica Alba is crying into her no-nudity clause as we speak.  

• Lil' Kim's leaky-ass fake yams need stop in the pit to be oiled, lubed, and rotated.

• Lindsay Lohan's Long Island ho buddies post pictures of the teen queen flipping the bird, boozing it up, hanging with Moss, making the international symbol for cunnilingus, and posing next to a bong and possibly a chopped-up coke line. Damn you again, MySpace!

• Slightly older pictures, but Natalie Portman nippage is forever newsworthy, do you not agree?

• Person you've never heard of likens Keira Knightley's torso to "two aspirins on an ironing board". We love the English! That almost beats Noel Gallagher's "Zorro on doughnuts" simile of yore. Almost.

• Said aspirin are in talks to hawk warpaint for Chanel.

• Does Tom Hanks make Fergie look more feminine, or is it the other way around?

• Dreamgirls producers are terrified that Beyonce's ass will bust through costumes, Kool-Aid Man style. Ohhhh yeaaaaah!  

We know that Keira Knightley admitted that she's got less going on in the chestal region than Ben Affleck, but that's no reason to call her a man. You're mean, FemaleFirst.  

A couple of months ago, we told you about Rachel McAdams storming off the set of a Vanity Fair cover shoot because it required her to show tasteful nudity-but-not-really-nudity. A preview of said cover was revealed today, and while there is nary a Rachel to be seen, there's something even better: Scarlett Johansson flanks. Coincidentally, we had a big bowl of those for breakfast.  

• Dirty Dancing's Patrick Swayze says he's experimenting with “rap rhythms as an emotional undercurrent for ballads.” That makes sense, since rap rhythms are a feeling; a heartbeat. Guh-gung. Guh-gung.

• Katie Holmes sez: "I won't wed 'til afterbirth!" God, that's sick! Oh, wait. That's "after birth".

• Still married to one nonfamous guy, Tori Spelling gets engaged to another. That means two men have willingly signed up to make Tori Spelling's vagina the only vagina in their lives forever and ever and ever. Our world, it is a sick and sad one.

• Unbearable douchelord Bono flirts with his own daughters, but at least saves the massive shagging for his wife only.

• Wipe that image out of your mind with some naked pictures of former supermodel/erstwhile Axl schtup-puppet Stephanie Seymour.

• Is Naomi Watts about to marry Liev Schreiber? Is she incubating his young? Is she going to don a bikini and bang Bond? Whowhatwherewhenwhyhowwhatwhatwhhhatttt???!?!?!?!?!

• Whatsa matta, Paris? Crabs gotcha down?

• Cindy Crawford's little son is totally in my face! Poor Maddox Jolie--replaced by a newer, hipper, younger, more attitude-y at age four.

• Keira Knightley's thong. Yup. It sure is.

• Eminem will make ex-wife Kim new wife Kim on January 14th. The invitation reads: "This day I will marry my best friend, the one I laugh with, live for, love." Guess "Sit down bitch/If you move again I'll beat the shit out of you" doesn't exactly scream "holy matrimony".  

Nip slips, like shit, happen. And when they do, the owners of said bared boob-buttons remain mum on the subject, generally. Except for Keira Knightley, who says, "Yeah, I showed my nip. I shoulda shown the whole damn tit. Jealous, buddy?'  

Some entries need no introduction. Especially when we're too lazy to write one, and you're not going to read it anyway. So click on the little spot that says "more" for some tit chat.  

That Keira Knightley sure is a refreshingly unconventional sort, isn't she? She talks about how ugly she thinks she is and her perpetually bad skin, she flashes her bazongas practically every chance she gets but won't let anyone catch a peek at her bum, she stars in movies no one watches yet is still a huge a star. She's a nice change of pace from your predictable Katie Holmeses and your boring Jennifer Anistons. Plus Keira even admits that she's not above starring in a movie just to make out with a hot guy.  

Keira Knightley . . . new movie . . . stripping . . . lapdance. Your eyes are surely bulging out of your skull and your tongue is lolling out of your mouth like a cartoon dog confronted with the aroma of a succulent steak, but be advised: there is nary a nip to be seen, on this, America's day of discovery. Because Keira is an even worse American than Jessica Alba, and we're not just saying that because she's English.  

• We're scared, and expecting Renée Zellweger to show up at our offices with a sack of nickels and a sawed-off shotgun any day now.

• In the real world, when a guy plies a girl with booze and coerces her to strip, it's called date rape. In Hollywood, when it happens to Sly Stallone and Sharon Stone, it's called movie magic!

• BarryMORE, braLESS.

• Paparazzi didn't cause Lindsay Lohan's Benz bust-up, illegal U-turns did. GodDAMN, girl's got some good spin doctors.

• Hey, don't look at us! We've been abiding by the strict "at least 500 yards away at all times" clause in that restraining order Freddie Prinze Jr. took out on us. Right, Freddie? Right? Heh heh. Heh . . . heh. Heh?

• Man. For a pointy-faced prepubescent weinerless elf, Orlando Bloom sure gets around town with the pretty ladies.

• Thank GOD a dangerous criminal mastermind like Kate Moss will soon be behind bars! London, your streets are now safe again.  

By now you know that we like boobs. We like talking about them and looking at them and showing you pictures of them. And the more famous the woman attached to those boobs, the more we like them. Especially when one is bared accidentally in a mainstream magazine that doesn’t usually feature nudity. So kudos to Keira Knightley and her one accidentally slipped boob.  

So Keira Knightley has been single for a few weeks now, and girl is ready to find herself a new man. And she plans on doing this by frequenting 40s-themed clubs in London. But, alas, that phrase does not mean what we had hoped.  

• Christina Aguilera reaches out one manicured hand and gleefully sounds the death gong on Britney's career.

• Choo-choo! All aboard the Breakup Train 2k5! Keira Knightley and her arm candy split, and Sadie Frost cut her pet boy loose after she was awarded $10.5 million clams in her Jude Law divorce settlement. See ya, sucker!

• Mike Tyson: philosopher. Poet. Testicle-stomper.

• Now, don't you go gettin' yerself a swoll head, Paris. Having an imposter is a nice start, but you haven't truly arrived until you have your very own stalker.

• Walking in Memphis. Shot in Denver.

• Heidi Klum: pregnant, praying, licking? Whatta country!

• Eminem busts out his most hard-hitting lyrics yet!

 

It seems that the latest Hollywood trend is to admit that under all of that orange pancake make-up every celebrity really looks like Mickey Rourke, what with Jessica Simpson, Britney Spears, and P. Diddy shilling for Proactiv. Well, way to go Keira Knightley for jumping on that "I'm so ugly" bandwagon. We really feel your pain.  

Why is it that the parents of famous celebrities feel the need to litter the earth with their pet projects and artistic endeavors? Why don't they just let their spawn buy them houses and spare the rest of us their over-inflated sense of purpose for having birthed such wonderful entertainers? We're sick of all celeb parents, but Keira Knightley's mum may cause the most wrath. Is Keira Knightley even A-list enough to spread her fame on to her family tree? We think she best be hording that shit for herself.  

Keira Knightley certainly is having a sexy week here on CelebNewsWire. Talking about her heinie? Check. Baring her boobs in a new movie? Check. Now the Pirates of the Caribbean star talks about taking lap dancing lessons for another new movie. All this onscreen skin, Keira . . . are you trying to be taken seriously as an actress, or is this a cry for help? Who cares, she's gettin' naked!  

We sent our intrepid reporter to Sundance to uncover all who got uncovered in upcoming indie flicks. And lemme tell ya, boy, in addition to the usual suspects, there's a surprise or two.  

Even though she's busted out her bitty bust on screen before, in front of God and everyone, Brit actress Keira Knightley is refusing to give up the glutes.  

Most teenaged girls' mothers frown on such body-modifying frivolity as piercings and tattoos. Keira Knightley's mom, on the other hand, FORCED her to get a belly button piercing in a bid to make her daughter "popular". And it worked!