Remember a week or so ago when we told you that Tomfat was too, well, fat to fit into his wedding tux? Luckily Giorgio Armani has some experience working with bingers and purgers and knows how to hide a few extra calories clinging to the hips: Slap a girdle on it and watch it waddle down the runway, hoping the seams can hold in the tide of blubber until the after party.  

Well, it was a monumental weekend, folks.



That's right! You are correct. It WAS, indeed the annual Winter Dreamscape Ball at Tinsley Frank Senior High. It was truly a night to remember, as evidenced by this beautiful portrait of the couple crowned Prince and Princess Snowflake, snapped right before their official dance to "I Still Believe" by Brenda K. Starr!  

Tom Cruise's transformation into John Revolta is just about complete. Unflagging, career-threatening devotion to Xenu? Check. A hot actress wife with early career nudity? Check. A solid layer of insulating yet female-fan-repelling fat? Check. Keeping those icky ladies away may be a plus, but popping buttons and bursting seams during your wedding ceremony is most definitely a minus.  

Oh, hey, look. It's TomFat, K-Hole, and Scientological Overlord Suri NoMiddleName Cruise in Italy.




We can gather a few things from these pictures. Namely, that the infant pictured closely resembles the one depicted in the infamous Vanity Fair spread, so either that's Suri, or the baby they rented for the shoot went on sale, and the couple were able to purchase her outright for all upcoming photo ops. Furthermore, it's nice to see that Tom, with his newfound lust for the more delicious things in life, didn't devour the child after mistaking her for a celebratory suckling pig or, perhaps, a Tastykake Honey Bun.  

• Oprah was not invited to Tom and K-Hole's wedding, but she is trying to figure out what to send them as a gift. Duh! A couch.

• Bigger news than Santa arriving at the lighting of the Macy's Christmas tree: Victoria's Secret supermodels getting on their boob-shaped spacecraft and arriving on Earth after their long journey from Planet Jiggle.

• Madonna wants to buy another baby as soon as possible. Perhaps it will be a Christmas gift for the other one.

• Sure, Vida Guerra has a gargantuan tail. But did you know that she has boobs, too?

• Nicole Richie has responded to PageSix's insinuation that SOMEONE had reverse gastric bypass in her MySpace blog. The lady doth protest too much.

• Is Kirsten Dunst sinking her vampiric meth mouth baby teeth into rodentlike eunuch Orlando Bloom? And will their hypothetical babies be weaselly nutless bloodsuckers?

• Paris Hilton's ass looks less flapjacky from the back. But don't they all, really? When it comes right down to it, aren't they all less flapjacky from the back? Deep.

• Jenny Love Hewitt might be all chaste and crap, but she will still wear a small strip of fabric nestled lovingly betwixt her buttocks.

• Lesbian Week continues: Joan Jett and Carmen Electra love rock n' roll. Joan mighta put another dime in Carmen's juicebox, baby.

• No, as a matter of fact, we haven't actually seen Ron Jeremy and Super Mario in the same room together. Luigi, though, sure.  

Katie Holmes shelled out $3000 on sexy lingerie for her wedding day and night. Riiight. Sorry, Katie, but owning some hot underthings isn't enough to convince us that Tom has any plans to caress your sensitive bits with anything other than a turkey baster. To make us believers, we'd have to witness actual penis-to-vagina contact, live and in person, from a distance of no more than five feet, with the assurance that David Copperfield and his magical mind-altering capabilities were vacationing in the south of France.  

Tom Cruise's dastardly plan to make Katie Holmes crack so he can hide her away in a state-run mental facility has finally been uncovered: Confuse her on the subject of caloric intake! One day she'll be with Tom, watching him pack in about 4000 calories with bag after bag of jalepeno Krunchers; the next she'll watch Victoria Beckham splurge on half a spicy tuna roll and have to replace a week's worth of Barney's visits with trips to the gym. It can't fail!  

• Is Australian actress Abbie Cornish the real reason behind the Reese/Ryan breakup? That would mark the second time Ryan's fallen for a blonde with an incredibly silly last name. At least he's consistent.

• Sumner Redstone says that he dropped Tom Cruise's contract because his wife, Paula, "like women everywhere, had come to hate him." Ouch, and hahahahaha.

• Cindy Margolis is in Playboy. And her bod makes us hum Bob Seger's "Like a Rock".

• The drummer for McFly (who?) has been bragging to anyone who'll listen that he has felt the gently licking flames of Lohan's firecrotch. Yeeeeah, that's like bragging that you ate food once, or that you sometimes blink.

• Step aside, Brangelina! Take a hike, Bennifer! Let's all give a warm welcome to . . . Tophvanka Grump!

• If there's anything U.S. Marines hate, it's being in the presence of a large-breasted, blonde, ultra-famous porn star.

• Katie Holmes recently ran into Brooke Shields and stopped to chat. Afterwards, her handler best friend ever threw a burlap sack over her head, threw her in the back of a Brinks security van, drove her to a secluded location 4 miles beneath the earth's crust, and subjected her to 72 straight hours of deprogramming and delousing.

• Heidi Klum: finally, a celebrity who ain't afraid to get a little scary for the sake of Halloween. Nicely done.

• Patrick Dempsey's ex-wife, whom he married when he was 21 and she was the 48-year-old stepmother of his best friend, is alleging that he beat her during the filming of Can't Buy Me Love. Hey, these actors are tempestuous, artistic types and often have trouble bringing their work home with them at the end of the day. Can you really blame Dempsey for feeling violent when he spent day in and day out in character as a brutal, sexist killer with a hair-trigger temper. Wait, what? Can't Buy Me Love was about a mild-mannered nerd on a riding lawnmower? Oh.  

Like the Roman Empire, Mama's Family, and Britney Spears's boinkability, all good things must eventually end. And so we come to the end of one of the world's most cherished and heartwarming friendships: Katie Holmes and Victoria Beckham have uttered a mutual "screw that bitch" and broken off their shopping-centered coalition. And the world weeps.  

Sometimes it seems like celebrities are only aware of about fourteen locations on the face of the earth. Hyde is one, of course, then there's that really sketchy house in The Valley that's a pain in the ass to get to but always has the best drugs. Once in a while a celeb like Angelina Jolie or Madonna gets uppity and flees to Africa or Cambodia, but that's just temporary, before they return to the Chateau Marmont. And of course there's George Clooney's Italian villa. Anyone who's everyone (including now Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes) has almost gotten married there. But, see, famous people have very little follow-through, so usually they just give up and make some babies instead of actually getting hitched and say, unh, maybe next year.  

Katie Holmes has been enjoying a girls-only vacation in Paris with her new Tom-approved BFF, Victoria Beckham. And reportedly, she told Victoria that even though baby Suri Nomiddlename is barely 5 months old, she is still "desperate" to have another child. No need to dream, little Katie. Just close your eyes, lie back, let the choloroform take over, and enjoy the romantic touch of the water pistol filled with Scientological donor seed flooding your womanhood. Just like the first time.  

• Buffy costar Mercedes McNab to pose for Playboy; socially-challenged fanboys to spring boners eternal.

• Sweet little cherub Mandy Moore is bringin' schlumpy back, and pulling it off.

• And lo, brash angel of God Kathy Griffin alit and sayeth unto Tori Spelling: "unto you a childe is borne!"

• Paris Hilton has been officially charged with drunk driving. Now, if only she were to be officially charged by the fashion police. Ooh! That's right! We went there! Uh-huh! Two snaps up, girlfriend!

• Aerosmith's Steven Tyler is one hep cat.

• Ashlee Simpson premiered as Roxie Hart in the London Cambridge Theatre's production of Chicago Monday night. And alas, there was no one with an oversized novelty hook, nor any clowns with comical janitor's brooms in sight.

• Lindsay Lohan's father brags about porking his daughter's Herbie stunt double. No punch line needed.

• A helpful compendium of celebrity nippage to clip, save, collect, and trade with friends.

• Tom and K-Hole are looking for a project they can star in together. Might we suggest adapting Ronnie Spector's biography, Be My Baby? Though Tom as a megalomaniacal, shrimpy Svengali with a predilection for shades holding his young and innocent wife captive in their own home might be a bit of a stretch. Har de har har.  

It's been a long, hard almost five months since little Suri No Middle Name Cruise donned sunglasses and BVDs and sock-slid out of Katie Holmes's rent-a-womb to the strains of "Old Time Rock and Roll". It's been speculated that she's actually Chris Klein's baby, that Katie was never pregnant and wore a prosthetic baby belly, that Suri was hideously deformed. Well, to all the naysayers: Tom and Katie have finally ponied up that enigmatic baby for all to see:



Surprise #1: she's adorable. Surprise #2: she does look quite a bit like Katie. But before you start with your "That baby looks Asian! That baby looks way older than four and a half months! Boy, that line of Marie Osmond porcelain dolls sure is lifelike!", read our conspiracy theory under the cut. We feel it makes much more sense.  

Four months ago we were all like, "Suri, Suri, where's Suri? Gotta see Suri. Have to inspect her for gills or scales or a prehensile tail. C'mon, where's Suri. We've gotta see her. Show us the Suri!" But now that the moment is upon us and we are mere hours away from Suri's unveiling, we're not so interested anymore. You've played with our emotions for too long, Tom, and we won't kowtow to your publicity stunts any longer. Plus, by this point we're pretty sure Suri bears no resemblance to Godzilla, Mothra, or Rodan. Pretty sure.  

Like the mythical Yeti of yore, Suri No Middle Name Cruise roams the land silently and stoically under the cover of night, emerging only to feed and mingle briefly with Scientology-approved thespians. Sightings of the mysterious infant have increased tenfold, in a highly crop-circle-style fashion, in the last month, and this past weekend Suri experienced that milestone in every celebrity child's life: her first industry party!  

After exhausting his list of Scientological compatriots (Leah Remini) and tight-lipped celeb cronies on the L. Ron payroll (the Pinkett-Smiths, Penelope Cruz), Tom Cruise is branching out and inviting other celebrities to bear frankincense, myrrh, and designer Baby Bjorns, follow the star in the north and come to gaze upon baby Suri No Middle Name as she lies in her plexiglass, thetan-repelling hyperbaric cradle. He's invited Posh Spice and her well-waxed husband David Beckham to come visit the child (after agreeing to adhere to a list of creepy rules, natch), but we just think he wants to throw the fact that they haven't yet been able to produce a girl-child in their faces.  

• K-Fed and Britney want to launch a non-false tabloid Magazine of Truth that doesn't tell any lies or nasty rumors or fun stuff about celebrities. Sorry to piss in your lemonade, but that already exists. It's called People.

• Jessica Simpson's mother does not agree with Papa Joe's willingness to pimp her out. Jessica responds by donning a semi-sheer dress. Nations rejoice, war and poverty and crime end.

• Heath Ledger: what a joker.

• Most actresses like to don an expensive, tasteful, and stunning designer gown to their post-wedding reception. Pam Anderson wears a skipper hat, a $12.99 bikini from Fashion Bug, and naked nipples.

• In some circles, Tom Cruise's crotch is known as The Punisher. Poor Katie Holmes has certainly suffered enough as a result of it.

• And is Tom about to ensnare K-Hole as his legal baby-baking concubine? If oversized planters and outdoor chandeliers are any indication of a Scientological spirit-uniting ceremony (and they certainly should be), then yes.

• What's more entertaining than a Mel Gibson mugshot? Pictures of Mel Gibson, well into his cups, manhandling strange women mere hours before said mugshot.

• Would you like to see Lindsay Lohan's box? Oh, wait, we meant "Lindsay Lohan boxing". So sorry.

• Speaking of Lohan, and nipples, and transparent apparel: Lindsay aped Jessica and ponied up some vague nip. Or did Jessica ape Lindsay? No matter--we're all winners here.  

• Macaulay Culkin and Mila Kunis star in the action-packed thriller Escape!!! From the Holy Land!

• Ex-supermodel/ex-Rod Stewart concubine Rachel Hunter shows her punters on the beach. Stacy's mom has got it goin' on.

• Do you want to watch Jessica Simpson gulp down a phallic mouthful of creamy, fluffy froth? You probably do, sure.

• Kirsten Dunst brings in da noize, brings in da fug.

• Christina Aguilera's breasts are covered in this fetching golf-style ensemble, but the scoop neck still manages to caress and cradle them gently, yet conspicuously. Well done!

• Leah Remini says that Suri Cruise is totally real and has dark hair. Katie Holmes is spotted with curiously plasticine blonde baby-like figure. Someone's a lying sack of turds.

• Lance Bass and Reichen Lehmkuhl: "If you're Lance Bass, and you're going to the gayest town on the gayest day of the year and going to gay parties, you have to expect something."

• That bandeau bikini top is no match for the speckled flesh globules resting upon Lindsay Lohan's upper chestal region.

• Justin Timberlake is desperate for street cred. Who's bad?  

Suri No Middle Name Cruise is like the mythical yeti, emerging from the mist during the darkest hour before the dawn to create footprints in the snow (in Telluride, CO) and feed (at a health food store). Someone saw her . . . and lived to tell the tale!  

Over the weekend we were taken hostage by a couple of glassy-eyed and stiff-limbed members of our local branch of the Church of Scientology and made to watch what they called "mind-correcting informational films" for the better part of two days. When we were finally released into sunlight and allowed to once again intake fluids, we had a deep love and admiration for our patron saint Tom Cruise and knew that we would never again crack wise at his expense. But last night we had an emergency lobotomy and today we can forge ahead with a report on Suri No Middle Name Cruise's all-clear state in regard to engram infestation.  

The three month anniversary of the miraculous virgin birth of Suri No Middle Name Cruise is nigh, and we have still seen neither hair nor hide of this tiny little demon. The reason? Not camera shyness and not secret birth defects, surprisingly enough. It seems that pictures of the spawn were offered, Piloh Shitt style, to all the major magazines, and when her photo failed to generate an astounding sum, the offer was rescinded. That doesn't bode well for poor Suri's future. We picture her playing in her first soccer game. She kicks for a goal, misses, and Tom promptly grabs her by the ear, drags her off the field, and refuses to let her ever play again.  

Britney Spears is a shoo-in for Crappiest Celebrity Mom, but Tom Cruise takes the cake when it comes to being an objectionable father. He recently was quoted as saying that having baby Suri made him "very, very happy" because he "always wanted to be a father." It must have slipped Tom's mind that he's actually been a father for, oh, thirteen years now. But we suppose having one's publicist shuttle him over to photo opportunities soccer games in which one's two adopted underaged humans play pales in comparison to that blessed moment when the mothering vessel (that your religion has bought in hopes of producing an heir that may continue to produce multimillion-dollar-grossing motion pictures long after its host father has passed on to the next plane) finally issues forth that first biological stripling from its host womb.  

Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise have reportedly finally hammered out their binding pre-nuptial contract that specifically lays out the amount of cash and number of homes K-hole will receive per each year the couple is wed. Man, in these crazy, heady days full of all this talk about same-sex couples wanting the right to legally commit to each other, it's nice to see a good solid American heterosexual couple exemplifying all the moral tenets of Christian marriage.  

Kanye: See, it's shaped something like this . . .
Tom: I got that part, what I don't understand is where exactly the penis goes.



Katie: (to herself through gritted teeth) If this fucking midget doesn't let go of my hand I'm going to bite those jagass sunglasses right off his face. His hands are always slimy, it's so gross. Gawd, I can't take this anymore. I just gave fake birth, like, two weeks ago, and then he locked me in that room and made me read all of L. Ron's books AGAIN and now I have to be here and pretend that I don't want to gnaw off both of his arms and then beat him to death with them. I swear to God I've got to get out of here. I wonder if Chris Klein would take me back. Even he's better than this a-hole.



Katie: I'm going to take all of your money. And if you had a soul, I'd take that too. I'm in charge now, bitch, and don't you forget it.  

• Matthew McConaughey beat some rape charges. Which is actually kind of easy to do when your accuser is a foaming-at-the-mouth loonybird who claims she turned down MM's proposal of marriage while they were studying Scientology and then he tried to kill her after knocking her out with drugged milk.

• Paris Hilton knows when to hold 'em and fold 'em, but not when to walk away or run, so much.

• Mischa Barton wears lacy white panties. Tell your friends.

• Ashlee Simpson ponies up a little areola. Her yams look pretty nice. It's a shame about the makeup, though.

• We know Lohan gives Spuds McKenzie a run for his money in the "original party animal" category, but the fact that the cast of a show that works under cover of night, fueled on various stimulants, had to stage an intervention is just sad.

• Mandy Moore's parents were holed up in her basement, playing World of Warcraft and smoking bongs, posting on Doctor Who message boards and refusing to get jobs, so she kicked their lard asses to the damn curb.

• But y'all ain't mad at her, because look how adorable and precious she is! Awwwww. Mannnnndyyyy.

• If Tony Parker hadn't come along and made an honest woman out of Eva Longoria, she would have been straddling tables at nightclubs, inserting a Jeff Stryker Cock n' Balls into her netherholes instead of just talking about it.

• K-Hole asked for (and got) an epidural while crapping out Suri Cruise. Brutal, hateful, extra-long auditing session TK.  

Sometime yesterday, after we left work, a teeny flying saucer from the planet Cuckoobananabeans alit on Katie Holmes's prosthetic baby bump. The trapdoor soundlessly slid open, deposited a human girl child, and buzzed back up into the stratosphere. The human girl child's new Earth guardians toasted their new arrival over a light dinner of seared placenta with umbilical cord chutney. Welcome to the world, Suri Cruise!  

In a recent interview with GQ, Tom Cruise joked that he would like to eat his unborn child's placenta and umbilical cord. Take that, Woody Harrelson. You and your placenta soap have been totally faced.  

There was a time when Tom Cruise talking about his mind-blowing sex life would not have sent thousands of unsuspecting readers into seizure. Some of the ladies would have actually swooned over this proclamation. We're talking Cocktail era here. But when he's talking about his (now official!) Scientologist concubine, it's like the pie-eating-contest scene in Stand by Me.  

No, the little fucker has not popped out yet. Or completed it's scientist-monitored gestation period in a man-made womb-like environment. Whatever. The bottom line is the apocalypse has not yet arrived. You have at least one more day as a free earthling before our new infant overlord takes control of your mind. So go have sex and eat some cheesecake. Or pop a couple Prozac while you still can.  

• Rosie O'Donnell challenges Naomi Campbell to a cage match, saying, "I think she needs a big 200 pound lesbian to kick her ass." Normally, our money would be on Rosie, but we hear Naomi has custom-made bedazzled boxing gloves in the shape of hand-held communication devices, so . . .

• Natalie Portman: she's Harvard-educated, speaks four languages, acts, dances, saves Jason Bateman's puppy from certain death. Basically, she's like Jesus. Jesus in a thong.

• Well, hey there, Megan Mullally of TV's Will & Grace. You go, girl, with your big ole cleavage and your flashing of an actor dressed like a cop and all that. You go, Megan Mullally of TV's Will & Grace.

• The fat kid from Stand By Me is engaged to Pepper Dennis.

• Oh, that Paris Hilton! What a scamp! Her thrush-encrusted acid tongue is at it again. She says that former BFF Nicole Richie "cannot stand being around me because I get all the attention and people really don't care about her", and that "she has nothing else so she really wants to do [The Simple Life] but I don't. It's really pathetic that she needs to use my name to sell something because she's obviously not enough," and that Nicole is simply jealous and fame-hungry. Special emphasis on "hungry".

• Lindsay Lohan admits to dabbling in Kabbalah, saying, "All of us need something. You have to grab on to whatever gets you through." It's definitely pretty easy to grab a pretty red string when it's on your wrist. You know what else is easy to grab onto? Boobs. Big boobs.

• Kate Beckinsale is said to be the forerunner in the race to be cast as Wonder Woman. Her Halloween costume really gave her a leg up on the competition. Does that mean that Lindsay Lohan will soon be cast as a firefighting junkie stripper?

• Tom Cruise has a pacifier custom-made for Katie Holmes as an aid to shut her the hell up during delivery. And CelebNewsWire has an adult diaper made for Tom, because we hate his crazy ass.