You thought it was odd when your parents said they were so proud of you after you rode the school bus by yourself. You thought it was stranger yet when they proclaimed their pride after you fouled up your lines in your church's Christmas pageant and said, "Unto you a child is burned!" But Paris Hilton's got you beat--nothing makes Rick and Kathy Hilton beam with pride quite like their eldest daughter's X-rated undercover sex video.  

Paris Hilton has revealed that she, like, cries when she hears herself sing. At least her own voice doesn't give her the urge to administer knob jobs, or else a night out at a club would leave her looking like Edward James Olmos.  

When our sweet lord Jesus returns to Earth and the heathens are cast into a boiling lake of habanero-infused diarrhea while awesome people like us rise into a kitten and bunny-filled heaven where we will start a band with Keith Moon's corpse, there will be an epic in the battle of the creepily MILFy stage mothers. Manicured talons will fly, weaves will be ripped out, they will stab each other to the death with loaded Botox syringes. Dina Lohan and Tina Simpson will lose and one mother will rise head and naked breastices above the rest, victorious: Kathy Hilton. You don't believe us? Well! Somebody obviously doesn't know their Bible! It is written.