Remember the other day when we said that Kate Moss was going to produce the world's first 95% cocaine baby? Well, we were wrong. It'll be more like 85% cocaine, 10% champagne.

 

Finally Bobbi Kristina Brown will have a celebrity offspring to look down upon and say, "That kid is soooo f'ed up." Kate Moss is pregnant with Pete Doherty's child.  

Jack "progeny of Ozzy" Osbourne recently revealed in his new autobiography that he once kissed friend, supermodel, and fellow class A drug gourmand Kate Moss, saying, "it just felt just right." Her crackulous paramour, Pete Doherty, is taking umbrage at the claim. Apparently the world thinking Kate Moss once gave an innocent kiss to a dorky teen is unacceptable, while the world thinking Kate Moss is having full-on genital-to-genital contact with a cartoon version of a cartoon version of a cartoon version of Keith Richards is A-OK!  

Coke boogers are the new skinny jeans:

Fig. 1: Nicole Richie


Fig. 2: Kate Moss


Which is pretty apropos since, well, you have to fit into said skinny jeans somehow.  

Despite her creativity in the you-put-yer-coke-in-it department, Kate Moss has not exactly proven herself to be of Mensa-quality intellect. Her genital-sharing judgment is proof of that. Now word has it that Kate wants to marry newly rehab-free Pete Doherty and move with him to New Jersey. Maybe she'll start a new famous-people trend. J.Lo and Skeletor will relocate to Joliet; Brad and Ang will make their home in Toledo. Before long every town with a looming steel-mill smoke stack will be lousy with paparazzi and Us Weekly reporters.  

We thought we had washed our hands of the whole Kate Moss/Pete Doherty thing for good. We realized that we could get pretty much the same effect by watching Sid and Nancy every couple of days, and it's much more fun to imitate Nancy whining "Seeeeyid" than it is to emulate Kate Moss--those skinny jeans are rather binding and we're developing a nasty cough from all those ciggies. But we can never ignore public groping in front of a gaggle of drug-addicted onlookers.  

• Yes, you've seen Kate Moss in her underwear before. But that's not going to stop you from looking again.

• David Hasselhoff says that he, like, totally could have done Princess Di if he wanted to, and that they flirted once. She said "You look much better with your clothes on," and then the Hoff replied, "Well Ma'am, so do you." That . . . doesn't . . . make any sense.

• For all you gymnast (we're quite dumb) figure skater-loving old dudes: Katarina Witt upskirt!

• When Britney and Christina kissed Madonna at the MTV awards lo, so many years ago, Christina suggested that she and Britney lock lips, but Brit declined, because she's incredibly classy and very discerning when it comes to whom she lays her mouth upon.

• A man resembling the leather daddy from The Village People is telling all about his affairs with Tom Cruise, Antonio Banderas, Randy Travis, Andrea Boccelli, and Garth Brooks. Of the latter, he says, "When you're fucking a whale, it seems like an eternity." You're preaching to the choir, pal.

• Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson are both presently vacationing in Maui. Which is purely a coincidence, we're sure.

• Welcome to Bizarroworld: Ashlee looks stylish, Jessica wears a harem-panted jumpsuit. 2 Legit!

• Jamiroquai frontman Jay Kay assaults a throng of Lohan-stalking Pavarottis when he thinks they're interested in him. But he did not do said assaulting in or with a wacky hat, sadly.

• Nicole Richie cries that the media reports saying she's anorexic are stressing her out so bad that she's becoming anorexic!  

• "Eva Longoria Loves Facials". Yep, that sounds about right.

• My Gwen Stefani doll can beat up your Peaches N' Cream Barbie.

• Still no word on whether or not Lohan is engaged to Harry "Pink Taco" Morton, but she's sporting an '80s-style pear-cut diamond that Alexis Carrington herself would find distasteful.

• Kelly Clarkson was embarrassed to learn that she owned the same pink convertible as a porn star. The fact that she actually owns a pink convertible is much more embarrassing, however.

• Brittany Murphy exits club, gets propositioned for some tuna taco tangoing, signs autographs, lets us look down her shirt. Now that's multitasking.

• Eva Mendes's bare ass in Flaunt magazine. You heard us. That's right. Believe it. Flaunt magazine! Seriously!

• Kate Bosworth and Orlando Bloom broke up. Again. If a walking Chupa Chups lollipop and a crustachioed eunuch can't make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us?

• An idea we wish we'd thought of: Gossip Blog Wars.

• Kate Moss + underwear = server crash. Way to get your kit off, bird! Pip pip! Tut tut! Tally ho! Cheerio!  

• Who wears short shorts? Jessica Simpson wears short shorts. Heyyyyy. Nice mons pubis.

• Given the choice, Nick Lachey would rather be stuck on a desert island with Satan than with his supremely vile former father-in-law, Papa Joe Simpson. That makes 6 billion of us, Nick.

• Kate Moss might as well face that she's addicted to Pete Doherty. She wishes she knew how to quit him. Brokecrack Mountain?

• Another Doherty--Shannen--angrily hung up on a Newsweek reporter after being asked about her fiery, Naomi-Campbell-like, fired-from-Spelling-shows days. God, you run over a boyfriend 15 years ago and you never hear the end of it!

• "Christina Milian" kind of rhymes with "this tiny little thong". Sorta.

• The divorce gets ugly: Travis Barker questions his estranged wife Shanna Moakler's parenting skills, booze intake, nail salon visits, and open-door vagina policy . . . on his MySpace blog! We can't wait until she hits back with a string of vitriolic friend comments and some extra-hot profile pics taken in the bathroom mirror.

• Keith Urban, pre-tooth job looks an awful lot like Limahl of Kajagoogoo fame.

• Note to Nicole Richie: when size 000 bikini bottoms start to look like droopy adult sumo diapers, it might be time to try a cruller or something.

• One, two, princes kneel before you/thats what I said, now/princes, princes who adore you/just go ahead, now/William has a cosmo in his hand/that sounds great, now/Harry said he wants to honk your mam, now/aint in his head, now.  

Kate Moss isn't attacking a photographer here, she's demonstrating krumping, the hot new urban dance move that's sweeping the country!



No, actually, she is just attacking a photographer.  

Kate Moss has ditched diddling Doherty and blowing rails off Nelson Mandela's can in favor of a new, healthier hobby: making out with rich broads. Kate, we're waving a rainbow banner and donning a PFLAG shirt! We love you and support you and your lifestyle!

 

From the "Say! That's a Swell Idea" files: Lindsay Lohan, Kate Moss, and Courtney Love are reportedly going on vacation together. Some jokes don't even need punchlines.  

Although Kate Moss's bygone crackhead boyfriend Pete Doherty has claimed he's still in love with her and wants her back, she's wisely steering clear and instead, going for a more reliable little friend, reportedly spending 350 clams on a solid gold vibrator. Maybe she's going to stash her coke in it. After all, you can stick a Fabergé egg in your fishmitten, but it won't vibrate.  

• Teri Hatcher reveals that she was brutally molested as a child by an uncle, and she testified against him recently and helped put him in jail. Go Teri!

• Mayhaps the Pussycat Dolls should change their name to the Pussyandtittycat Dolls.

• When your toddler asks you, "Daddy, what does 'bootylicious' mean?" you can now say, "Look it up in the dictionary, ya little shit" and mean it!

• Donald Trump says of his daughter Ivanka, "I'd hit it."

• Not only would Mariah Carey like you to touch her butt, she would like you to punch her in the gut. Well, okay.

• Yanni was charged with abusing his girlfriend in their Florida home. What, did he force her to to listen to his music? Haw haw, bet you didn't see that joke coming.

• In other domestic abuse news, the Hoff gets hasselled . . . by his estranged wife!

• Jerry Hall says younger men not only suck in bed, they make you listen to Coldplay. It's a scary day when Jerry Hall is a practical voice of reason.

• Thanks Easter bunny! Bok bok! As it turns out, Cokaite Moss used to hide her stash in a Fabergé egg. Pfft. We hide ours in a Ming vase.

 

The Nobel Peace Prize. The Order of St. John. The Presidential Medal of Freedom. Now Nelson Mandela can add another distinct honor to his long list: having had Kate Moss blow rails off his personal terlet.

 

• Apparently, you can steal cars and shoot heroin and get arrested 20 times a month and yet never see the inside of a jail cell. We're totally moving to the UK. It's like Eden, or Honah-Lee. Only with more crack.

• Speaking of drugs, Teri Hatcher admits to doing a little recreational Botox. Uh, no shit?

• The year was 1984, and an unsullied, very young and fresh-faced Whitney Houston was given the old Serge Gainsbourg treatment on French television. If only she had been seduced by the wiles of a drunken, aged French lothario instead of a cracked-out faded R&B loser.

• Apparently, being used as Jackson Browne's personal punching bag wasn't enough for Daryl Hannah, and she's now romancing Brad Renfro, an admitted junkie about 43 years younger than her. Some people are just gluttons for punishment.

• A better shot of Paris's upskirt shot from the other day. You can actually see her anus devouring her underdrawers!

• Vanna White gets the ole Pussycat Dolls treatment. And actually, she looks pretty awesome. For 73.

• Some dude puts the kibosh on that whole "Charlize Theron as Dusty Springfield clam-slamming Kate Moss in Ang Lee movie" rumor. And we hate him for it.

• Young Hermione Granger mistakes Corona with lime for butterbeer; gets wasted, fails OWLs, and is forced into a life of peddling her feminine wares in the shadowy recesses of Knockturn Alley.  

The men, they love the lesbians. Something about the intertwining of soft lips and silky skin and the promise of swelling breast flesh gently touching swelling breast flesh really excites the ol' weenis. However, the reality of true-life lesbians doesn't usually live up to the male fantasy. But reality and fantasy are about to collide in the most prostate-tingling of ways when Kate Moss and Charlize Theron (fantasy) bump gorditas in a film adaptation of deceased lesbo Dusty Springfield (reality). Hoorah for movie magic.  

• Jermaine Dupri says that his girlfriend Janet Jackson purposely got all lumpy and lardy for an indie film role that fell through. We're totally stealing that excuse.

• Don't fuck with Reese Witherspoon. Unless you're into dying.

• Kate Moss proves that supermodels actually have brains!

• She also proves she has a nipple. Again.

• Heather Locklear allegedly was prompted to file for divorce when she discovered some racy emails and provocative pictures some dame had sent to her husband. Damn you, MySpace!!!

• Denise Richards recently got an AIDS test, her fears reportedly sparked after discovering that now-estranged husband Charlie Sheen paid for an "army of hookers". Soon to be deployed to Iraq?

• In case you were wondering, Fergie is still fergly.

• This guy's Maddox Jolie tattoo actually makes us feel pretty good about the fact that we have Isabella Cruise's face inked on our ass.

• Mandy Moore kissed Sarah Chalke on Scrubs. We're not going to make a joke here, because fake lesbian kisses on the television are serious, serious business.

• Val Kilmer has gotten so terribly corpulent that he actually tried to eat Paris Hilton!

• Luckily, she escaped and was able to safely slip nip yet again.

 

Kate Moss is pissed because Sienna Miller has stolen her job. Guess the market for drug-addled boyfriend-stealers is booming. Oh, wait, she meant the modeling thing. Right.  

You know what they say in drug and alcohol recovery circles: you can't start healing yourself until you've hit rock bottom. In the past few short months, we've seen sullied supermodel Kate Moss dorking a cracksmoker, having a topless seizure, blowing rails on film, and being dogged by the pigs. But this week, Kate has finally, finally reached the fabled nadir. She hit on Jack Osbourne.  

Holy shit! Lindsay Lohan died???

 

The death rattle of 2005 has not yet been heard, and we have yet to pinch the spittle-flecked cheeks of droopy-diapered baby 2006, but already, Kate Moss is back on coke. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

 

Lindsay Lohan was surprised and delighted recently when supersnorter supermodel Kate Moss invited her out to dinner at New York's trendy Mr. Chow. The pair reportedly gorged themselves on a single lettuce leaf before waddling, bloated and flushed with food coma, to the bathroom for a powdered sugar dessert.  

• Nicole Richie (version Fat.0) with plump rump ripe on the runway. Ah, those halcyon days of youth.

• Super kookynuts rumor of the day: Paris Hilton is set to dip her ring finger in the cheesy, Uncle Jesse style goodness of Stamos Nachos and become his lawfully wedded tortilla chip.

• Not only can 90210 "actress" Tori Spelling make disgusted faces and make David Silver get a boner, she can also make a baby! Yaaaay!

• After getting arrested for posession of crack yesterday, Kate Moss squire of yore Pete Doherty claims she left him for good because he's packing a wee weiner.

• While Enrique Iglesias claims that the rumors of his own lack of girth have been greatly exaggerated.

• She says Jacko's not the one, no, the kid is not his son.

• Yet ANOTHER reason to hate Fergie.

• Keeping with the Halloween spirit, Tom and Katie are set to wed on October 21rst.

• After the three Magi heard King Herod, they went on their way, and the star they had seen in the east went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was. On coming to the Malibu house with the tricked-out pink Hummer out front, they saw the child with his mother Britney, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented Sean Preston with gifts of woobies and of binkies and of myrrh. Merry X-mas, y'all!

 

It seems the clinic that treated Kate Moss encouraged her to replace her powder-snarfling urge with creative expression through nude body movement. Rehab rules!  

When you look in a magazine and see a photo spread of a gorgeous supermodel, highlighted hair flailing, pert breasts brazenly bare, cheekbones chiseled, and generally looking F-I-E-R-C-E, you probably have no idea just how g.d.m.f. ludicrous the process of getting that photo was. Less rock and roll, and more Amy-Poehler-as-Caitlyn-on-SNL. Only fueled by coke instead of Coke.  

Ah, now we understand.

That wasn't cocaine Kate Moss was snorting. It was actually ground pegacorn horn mixed with pulverized fairy wings and freeze-dried centaur hooves that she had to huff every twenty minutes in a bid to halt rapid aging.

Will someone please cut Kate a couple lines, immediately? This is some next-level Dorian Gray shit right here.  

• We're scared, and expecting Renée Zellweger to show up at our offices with a sack of nickels and a sawed-off shotgun any day now.

• In the real world, when a guy plies a girl with booze and coerces her to strip, it's called date rape. In Hollywood, when it happens to Sly Stallone and Sharon Stone, it's called movie magic!

• BarryMORE, braLESS.

• Paparazzi didn't cause Lindsay Lohan's Benz bust-up, illegal U-turns did. GodDAMN, girl's got some good spin doctors.

• Hey, don't look at us! We've been abiding by the strict "at least 500 yards away at all times" clause in that restraining order Freddie Prinze Jr. took out on us. Right, Freddie? Right? Heh heh. Heh . . . heh. Heh?

• Man. For a pointy-faced prepubescent weinerless elf, Orlando Bloom sure gets around town with the pretty ladies.

• Thank GOD a dangerous criminal mastermind like Kate Moss will soon be behind bars! London, your streets are now safe again.  

• The fatcats behind Jessica Alba's recent movies have messed with perfection. They must pay. Oh, wait, they made her boobs BIGGER? Oh. Carry on.

• Is Gwyneth Paltrow with child again? If true, congrats! And welcome, little Pomegranate Martin!

• Lara Flynn Boyle's lips just keep getting more blown up. That's bad. But the rest of her anatomy is blowing up too, and that's good. Food is nice. And see-through dresses? Also nice.

• Ghandi is the new Kabbalah! Not only did Tara Reid's tit shoot the wizened old fossil, his teachings are comforting Jennifer Aniston in her time of need. Sorry, Vince Vaughn: apparently, Jen finds nonviolence and the wearing of loosely-draped diapers far sexier than the likes of you, champ.

• Jennifer Garner is having a baby girl. We guess that means Ben Affleck is having a baby girl, too. We have no opinion in regards to this information, so do with it what you like.

• Courtney Love: dosed with acid at age four! Therapy at six! Porno at nine! Swearing off letting homeless men suck her cans outside of Wendy's! Stars: they're just like US! Only not. At all.

• Damage control spins into overdrive! After being dropped as the face of Chanel, H&M, et al, Kate Moss has checked her bony ass into rehab. With the stink of scandal wafting off her, Moss will be lucky if she can land a deal as the face of Generra or Fashion Bug now.  

We haven’t mentioned Kate Moss or any sort of fluffy white substance for almost a week now, so we should get around to that. Poor coked-up Kate has lost myriad modeling contracts (Because fashion houses expect their models to stay skeletal on a diet of celery sticks and Camel Lights?), is reportedly spending a little time in the land of Courtney Love (a.k.a. rehab), and is even being publicly defended by Naomi Campbell. And this must truly be a milestone, as we think this is the first time we have ever mentioned Naomi Campbell and not had to say that she threw some shit at someone.