Sigh.

We're kinda feeling like we did the other day when we had to write about Anna Nicole Smith's son's untimely death. On one hand, we need to make some funnies, because hoo-has are what we do. On the other hand,



There is obviously something unbelievably wrong with Kate Bosworth and to pretend otherwise or to make light of what looks to be a pretty serious situation would be irresponsible. Welp, looks like we finally figured out what that funny bump growing on our genitals is. It's a conscience!  

• "Eva Longoria Loves Facials". Yep, that sounds about right.

• My Gwen Stefani doll can beat up your Peaches N' Cream Barbie.

• Still no word on whether or not Lohan is engaged to Harry "Pink Taco" Morton, but she's sporting an '80s-style pear-cut diamond that Alexis Carrington herself would find distasteful.

• Kelly Clarkson was embarrassed to learn that she owned the same pink convertible as a porn star. The fact that she actually owns a pink convertible is much more embarrassing, however.

• Brittany Murphy exits club, gets propositioned for some tuna taco tangoing, signs autographs, lets us look down her shirt. Now that's multitasking.

• Eva Mendes's bare ass in Flaunt magazine. You heard us. That's right. Believe it. Flaunt magazine! Seriously!

• Kate Bosworth and Orlando Bloom broke up. Again. If a walking Chupa Chups lollipop and a crustachioed eunuch can't make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us?

• An idea we wish we'd thought of: Gossip Blog Wars.

• Kate Moss + underwear = server crash. Way to get your kit off, bird! Pip pip! Tut tut! Tally ho! Cheerio!  

We've got to keep up with the Johnsons and the Smiths and the Egotastics and the Idontlikeyouinthatways, so we're introducing a new feature. At the end of each month, we'll be your bloggy Rick Dees and will count down the top five search phrases (not including "CelebNewsWire" and its variants) people use to get to this site. There aren't a lot of surprises here, aside from the fact that "fergie pee" has finally slipped out of the top ten, and that one person (hi, Dad!) found us by searching for "Jessica Simpson hanging labia".  

In this entry, we use Natalie Portman and Kate Bosworth as bait and promise you that if you place your mouse over that little arrow next to the word "more", you will be rewarded with views of Natalie bearing stiff papillae mammae, and Kate flipping nip out over her top. But then you remember that you've been burned before. You've clicked on other websites' links before, links emblazoned with lip-licking ladies promising that if you just press that little right-hand button, you'll see Britney, hardcore, like you've never seen her before. And then, nothing but a pornado of XXX ads and a busted browser. Friend, we would not do that to you. We wouldn't let you down. We are the nip-givers. And like Charlie Brown going after that football held by Lucy, you hold your breath and click again.  

• Suri No Middle Name Cruise pictures might finally appear soon . . . in Vanity Fair! Hopefully on the cover, wrapped in swaddling clothes, using Scarlett Johansson's ass crack as a manger.

• Bryce Dallas Howard is baking up a big batch of baby.

• Kate Bosworth ate! Ate cigarettes, water, and lettuce. Baby steps, people.

• Pam from The Office becomes Pam from The Duff-ass.

• When Janet Jackson wants her water cold, she wants her water cold, dammit. Also, yes, she did feel that pea placed under her 12 mattresses last night.

• Newly-separated Dave Navarro is dating newly-separated Jenna Jameson. And she's now #1 on his MySpace Top 8, so you know it's love.

• Jen and Vince: engaged! Whhheeeeeeee! Yayyyyy! Whoooo! Who gives a crap! All riiiiight!

• Robin Williams is in rehab. Body hair rehab, we hope.

• Sienna Miller dons dirty pink cowboy boots, a wedding dress, a red Cleopatra wig, and an exposed upskirt cotton panty look. Indeed, she is truly the fashion icon of our time.  

All those tight bodices and heaving bosoms and sheer blousery and not a damn nipple in sight? These truly were the Gayest Oscars Ever.  

OK, so in case you aren't able to follow what's going on with this whole foursome of mega wicked pretty Brit celebs, we're going to break it down for you all nice and easy-like. Because we care.  

Bearding, weeping oral sores, brainwashing at the hands of a dangerous cult . . . all this could have been yours, Kate Bosworth! You coulda been a contendah!  

Back in January, Orlando Bloom treated his former ladyfriend Kate Bosworth to a $760 meal . . . and still hasn't paid for it. We find this story hard to believe--there is no way Kate Bosworth could rack up such a staggering restaurant bill. She only ingests iceberg lettuce in a water sauce.  

On-again, off-again flames Orlando Bloom and Kate Bosworth are off again. For now. They've decided to take a year off from their relationship so they can give each other "time to grow". I hope Kate means that in the literal sense. Because she's real scrawny, right? Ha ha ha. "Grow". Get it? . . . Get it? Oh sweet Jesus, we're all so hung over. Someone please just come over here with a gun and put a bullet of mercy in each of our heads.  

Yeah, so Kate Bosworth and Orlando Bloom are back together again. We would have gotten this information to you sooner, but forgive us if we were unable to muster anything remotely resembling enthusiasm towards an elfin eunuch and a B-list bobblehead joining giblets again. However, after viewing the following picture, we decided that we do care, after all. In fact, we're making it our personal mission to Feed Kate Bosworth. We've assembled a supergroup of some of our finest musicians (Kix! Ugly Kid Joe! And Frank Stallone!) to put out a beautiful song called "The Wind Whispers 'Kate' (Across Her Clavicles)". All proceeds go towards buying Kate a big fat gift certificate to Taco Bell!  

We're not sure why today's gossip is so dang homoerotic, but hey, we're going with it. Bobbleheaded beauty Kate Bosworth is speaking out about her split with actor Orlando Bloom, and blaming it on the fact that he likes to spend time with men. Lots of men. All the time.  

If you happened to walk past a middle school on your way to work this morning you probably saw groups of twelve-year-old girls weeping uncontrollably with joy and wondered what the hell was going on. Everyone's favorite elf Orlando Bloom has dumped the incredible shrinking Kate Bosworth. Let the swooning begin.