We were fairly excited when we saw the headline "Justin Timberlake defends Jackson boob" over at our gossip schoolmarm, FemaleFirst. "Not only has JT resorted to bragging about his totally super badass drug use to sell records," we thought, "he's actually supporting Michael Jackson, boob that he is." But no, he's just dredging up that old Janet Jackson Superbowl titty scandal and milking it yet again. Milking. Titty.  

Justin Timberlake is afraid that if Lindsay Lohan gets too close to him she'll ruin his image. But spending all of his time with Cameron Diaz, what, that's a good idea?  

• Macaulay Culkin and Mila Kunis star in the action-packed thriller Escape!!! From the Holy Land!

• Ex-supermodel/ex-Rod Stewart concubine Rachel Hunter shows her punters on the beach. Stacy's mom has got it goin' on.

• Do you want to watch Jessica Simpson gulp down a phallic mouthful of creamy, fluffy froth? You probably do, sure.

• Kirsten Dunst brings in da noize, brings in da fug.

• Christina Aguilera's breasts are covered in this fetching golf-style ensemble, but the scoop neck still manages to caress and cradle them gently, yet conspicuously. Well done!

• Leah Remini says that Suri Cruise is totally real and has dark hair. Katie Holmes is spotted with curiously plasticine blonde baby-like figure. Someone's a lying sack of turds.

• Lance Bass and Reichen Lehmkuhl: "If you're Lance Bass, and you're going to the gayest town on the gayest day of the year and going to gay parties, you have to expect something."

• That bandeau bikini top is no match for the speckled flesh globules resting upon Lindsay Lohan's upper chestal region.

• Justin Timberlake is desperate for street cred. Who's bad?  

Despite what our dazzling good looks and brilliantly clever barbs might imply, we at CelebNewsWire are indeed human, and do occasionally make mistakes. When we said, the other day, that Justin Timberlake had shitcanned Cameron Diaz, we were wrong. However, when we said in that same story that she had gone topless at the beach, we were right. Damn right. Oh, what's that you say? "Prove it"? "Post pictures"? Well, okay. Sure.  

It's been a busy week for Cameron Diaz. She's reportedly been dumped by long-time love Justin Timberlake and she's lost her bikini top at the beach. But when you think about it, showing your boobs to God and everyone in a public place really is the best course of action a famous lady can take after suffering the injustice (inJustince?) of being shitcanned by her cherub-curled child lover.  

Earlier this week, we reported that Cameron Diaz was allegedly heavy with a baby Timberlake (Kinderlake?). Apparently, this is not true. She is, however, a young boy suffering from the rapid aging disease progeria:
 

On Friday we brought you news of Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake's reported engagement while trying to stifle our yawns. Today their story may be a wee bit more interesting, as Cammy is said to be incubating a baby. Although our judgment of what constitutes interesting may be a bit skewed without our daily dose of caffeine. We think our assistant may have peed in the coffeepot this morning. She's still mad at us for what we made her do after our last viewing of Secretary.  

Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake are reportedly engaged. Eh. Listen, we've almost written 1000 entries here, and we've frankly become jaded. If you're not breaking up a marriage or doing angel dust with a former child star, we're kind of finding it hard to give a damn these days. Congrats, JT and Cam. May you live long and prosper and make dim-witted golden-haired progeny, etc. etc.  

It's a sad day when your ex boyfriend has to come to your rescue and defend your right to privacy to the media. But somebody had to stick up for poor post-partum Britney Spears while Kevin Federline was off perfecting his weed-enhanced moonwalk under the tutelage of Joe Jackson.  

First Elton John, now Johnny Rotten? Justin Timberlake is fast becoming the new king of celebrity impersonators. Somewhere, in a broken-down house in Canada, Rich Little sheds one lonely tear.  

Occasionally, we come across a story that is so perfect, so flawlessly hee-haw-larious, that (almost) no jokes are needed. Please enjoy, after the cut, the following, from imdb.com:  

OK, let's get this out of the way: Never trust Ozzy Osbourne. If you tell him something important, like perhaps the details of your super-secret wedding, he will mumble something about it in between bites of his burrito and swearing about dog poop on the floor when in the presence of a member of the press.  

Justin Timberlake was delighted when he was offered the role of Elto--sorry, Sir Elton John--in a forthcoming biopic. There was just one problem--the script was all rock n' roll, sans the sex and drugs JT craves.  

Now they'll be punching photographers as man and wife: Cameron and Justin are reportedly engaged.  

Sadly, Justin Timberlake proves once again that his IQ hovers only slightly above the "borderline retarded" level as he states that after all these years, he still hasn't guessed the secret meaning behind his nickname, "Trousersnake".  

Justin Timberlake is certainly no stranger to making people forcefully eject half-digested food from their mouths, I'm sure, but this time it was intentional.