You may not have known that Sienna Miller and Jude Law have actually been together (TOGETHER together) for the past few months. But now, they are over for good. Finito. Officially. No, for real this time. Serious! No, don't roll your eyes at--oooh, you're asking for it, mister.  

We've mostly ignored the rumors that Jessica Simpson was porking Jude Law, 'cause, enh, why not? They both seem to have a goal of sharing bodily fluids with at least 76% of the world's population (they'll both skip over the really ugly ones). But now that Jude has proven his chops as an adolescent poet, we're in.  

So you're Sienna Miller and you're desperately trying to make yourself into the next Julia Roberts or some such. You land a sweet part as a crazy naked girl in a movie opposite People Sexiest Man Alive and manage to get him to profess his everlasting love to you. Then he fucks his nanny and everyone magically knows your name. You've discovered the joy of media attention. You make up and break up every other week just to keep your name on the tips of everyone's tongues. But then you realize that the public isn't so interested in your man candy now that he's not in every fifth movie at their megaplex (and now that they've seen his wee little pee-pee) and you take a look around you. Who's that man costarring in your latest project? And is he about to have a good year? It sure looks like it, Sienna Miller.  

• Paris Hilton believed in Santa Claus until she was seventeen years old. Oh, how the tears must have flowed when she found out that it was actually her parents enjoying the milk and cookies and VD she'd been leaving out for Kris Kringle all those years.

• In addition to being a pedophile with a candy-striped dingdongulus, Michael Jackson is an anti-Semitic a-hole. Way to endear yourself to a sizeable chunk of your fan base. And the majority of the recording industry.

• Cindy Crawford says, "Listen, bitches. I've been at this whole 'posing wet and half naked with my mouth seductively parted' racket for over fifteen years now. Step aside, and let me show you galumphing elephants how it's done. Amateur hour is over, whores."

• Tommy Lee is such a damn cigarette fiend that he considered hiring a private jet to fly him to Jack Osbourne's birthday party, so he could smoke on the plane. Also, he hates airport security because his wallet chain sets off alarms. Poor Tommy, seemingly unaware that a wallet is not a part of the body, and a wallet chain is not an unremoveable piercing.

• Christina Aguilera dons the best in 1987 wedding gear. Mazel tov to the newlyweds!

• Charlize Theron in a bikini, just because.

• They're on! They're off! They're on again! They're fucking the nanny! Fucking Bond! Fighting! Crying! Breaking up! Together again! Listen, Jude and Sienna. Pick something and stick with it. Either get married, or set each other on fire. Just shit or get off the pot, please.

• Little Sean Preston Federspears makes his official pictorial debut in People magazine. He's got his father's looks. Hopefully he has his mother's brain. Er, maybe we mean father's brain. No, not that either. Shit, that kid is screwed.

 

Usually when we dump our fiancé because he’s been caught cheating with the nanny, we don’t go cheating on him after we’ve gotten back together, but that’s just us. And as you may have noticed, Sienna Miller is not us.  

Kate Moss is so the new Courtney Love. And we couldn’t be happier. In fact, Kate is better than Courtney because she’s hot and likes having sex with other hot people (Pete Doherty aside). She even likes coke-fueled lesbian orgies. We’re just going to have to stop for a minute and slowly ponder those last words . . . coke-fueled lesbian orgies. Mmmmmmm.  

• In case Paris Hilton's nipples weren't enough for you the first one thousand and eight times, here's more.

• No, no one is shocked by Kate Moss's boogar sugar use, but still, repercussions. Don't fire Kate, fancy fashion people! Don't force little Lila Grace to wear last season's Burberry!

• Looks like Jude and Sienna may be back on. CoughBABYcough.

• Debra Messing consults her nip-oracle for post-Will and Grace career advice.

• Ewan McGregor gets his dong sucked.

• Jennifer Lopez is a barbarian. She will skin an animal with her bare hands, slap its bloodied hide on her back, and then beat you with your own prosthetic leg. This story made us laugh, because we are dark and cold and bad inside.

• And because we were too lazy to post it yesterday, here it is: Prez Bush forges a bathroom pass.  

All's been fairly quiet on the Sienna-Jude front. No talk of Jude going spelunking in nannycaves, and only vague whisperings of Sienna cooking up a genetically superior blonde Law-Miller hybrid. But yesterday, the pregnancy denials popped up anew, and today's news conveniently negates yesterday's empty-womb excuses. How terrifically convenient.  

• We've been warning you for weeks now, but the day is upon us: the ill-famed Tom Sizemore sex tape is now available for your online perusal. It's here, it's real. Live it, love it, own it.

• Are Sienna and Jude finito for good? Reportedly, she's told him to take his little kitty dick and shove it. Forever.

• Crepey, arthritic, doddering geezers take note: yes, you have a shot with Jessica Alba!

• Yesterday, we were told that Eminem was cancelling his tour due to Exhaustion. Which means "drugs" or "eating disorder". Today, the former is confirmed.

• The first time Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell had sex, it was an alarming experience. Alarming! Guffaw!

• Are you there, Miss Cleo? It's me, Jennifer Aniston.

• Listen, we know Coq Rock. Coq Rock was a friend of ours. Slipknot, you're no Coq Rock.

• For the aging celebrity pedophile who has everything: a detachable nose.

 

For the first time since Nannygate 2k5, Sienna Miller and Jude Law were spotted together, seemingly trying to patch up their relationship, proving that, for Sienna at least, size doesn't matter.  

Look, we've brought you enough areolas in our time together, right? Don't you think it's high time we show you a little Tinseltown ding-dong?  

Star magazine just can't seem to keep their noses out of celebrities' uteruses (uteri?). Seemingly unsatified to speculate on the state of Demi Moore's ripened womb, they've turned their hungry eyes and pens to Sienna Miller's womanly cavity and are reporting that the actress is six weeks gone with Jude Law's love child. NICE TIMING, KID.  

Cheery news for a gloomy Monday: Sienna Miller has magically shined the turd that is her life and transformed it into gold! Her public humiliation at the hands of her nannyboinking ex-fiancé has made her a household name, and now she has to beat casting directors off with a length of PVC pipe.  

OK, so in case you aren't able to follow what's going on with this whole foursome of mega wicked pretty Brit celebs, we're going to break it down for you all nice and easy-like. Because we care.  

After learning that her fiancé had been giving the nanny a special bonus with her paycheck, Sienna Miller is reportedly "devastated". But not too devastated to enjoy some face time with her exes! And by "face time" we mean "necking". And by "necking" we mean "making out". And by "making out" we mean . . . making out.  

• The plot thickens: Jude Law allegedly asked nanny Daisy Wright for a threesome. She turned him down, because she's "not that type of girl." She is, however, the type of girl who will have sex with her engaged movie-star employer. But you have to draw a line somewhere.

• Malcolm in the Marriage!

• Pamela Anderson to marry Tommy Lee a third time? Even Liz Taylor wasn't THAT stupid.

• Pam's also helping Courtney Love get into shape. BFF! After working out, the pair like to do each other's nails, have pillow fights, and call boys they like and hang up.

• Rob Thomas "can't remember the first two years of Matchbox Twenty" because he was so coked up. If only the rest of us were so lucky.

• Desperate Housewives creator vows to write "fantastic scenes" for Eva Longoria, hoping to help her nab some awards. We hope "fantastic scenes" means "naked scenes". And that "awards" means "naked awards".

• James Gandolfini angrily smashed his fist through glass on the Sopranos set. He then pulled out a gun and shot the glass, tied it to a couple of cinder blocks, and threw it in the East River.

 

In the grand tradition of such loveable limey cads as David Beckham and Hugh Grant, Jude Law has admittingly porked his nanny, causing wee Sienna Miller to promptly dump him. It's only a matter of time until Law appears on a popular American late-night talk show all sheepish and devastatingly handsome, shaking his golden forelock over his high, bronzed forehead while cheekily saying, "I was a bad, bad boy," We'll all sigh dreamily and promptly forgive him, Sienna included. Glorious!