Critics are having a hard time with Scarlett Johansson's new movie, The Black Dahlia. They all agree that while the movie is captivating, they had a hard time following the plot after watching Scarlett's sex scene with her real-life man-candy, Josh Hartnett. We mean "hard" time literally here.  

Scarlett Johansson and her charmingly squinty man-candy Josh Hartnett are not only handsomer than most Hollywood couples, they're smarter, too. Eschewing the usual Tinseltown courting timeline--meet on movie set, drop respective mates, deny romance while making out in nightclubs, get engaged after three months, marry, fight, divorce after 11 more months--they're taking it slow. After a year or so of dating, they're moving in together. And getting their bedroom soundproofed. While it's not on the same level as, say, Paris Hilton's stripper pole in the kitchen or Pam Anderson installing a trapeze in the bedroom she shared with Tommy Lee, it's still impressive. As long as it's not to mask the sounds of Josh weeping with inadequacy after being faced with the two most celebrated bosoms in recent history.  

We continue our round-the-clock coverage of Scarlett Johansson's cans and their whereabouts and goings-on with a tale of tantric sex that her beau, Josh Hartnett, tells, complete with the amazing quote:

"Sex rocks! Sex is really cool!"

We tried to think of something snarky to write here, but if one were to have intercourse with Scarlett Johansson, I'm sure one would be inclined to don a white baseball hat and a Coed Naked Twister shirt, high-five any and all errant passersby, and whoop, hyena-like, "Who da man now, dawg? I'm da man! I'm da man! Whoooo! WHOOOOOOOOOOO!"  

You think your girlfriend is really cool, right? She lets you have control of the remote and even keeps her mouth shut when you pop in a Girls Gone Wild DVD. Well, she's no Scarlett Johansson. She says, "Go pork other girls. That's cool with me."  

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• Scar-Jo and Josh Hartnett (Jo-Ho?) move in together! Eh, it's destined to fail. "Scarlett Hartnett" just sounds so douchey.

• Fleck's million-pound pits.

• Annie Hall is porking Ted "Theodore" Logan.

• Ohhhh, when Keef says Mick has a laughably tiny weenis, that's supposed to be a compliment. We see, we see.

• Does a rapper sire twelve billion babies and have two wives? Mos Def!