• Christie Brinkley's husband says sorry. "Sorry! Sorry for having sexy sex with a teenager. Seriously, sorry about that. My b."

• David Hasselhoff as Captain Hook in a London production of Peter Pan? Those are some pretty gay big shoes to fill. Only one man can replace The Hoff, and that's The Fonz. Ayyyyy.

• Paparazzi, please stop taking photographs of Natalie Portman. Or she will make her hair look like Annette Bening's circa 1989 and then waggle a hand at you in a vaguely threatening manner.

• Britney's little sister, Sean P Federline, and a turd on a stick. You heard us.

• I've had it with these motherfucking Mo'Niques on this motherfucking plane!

• Seacrest out? No. Lance Bass out? HELL YES! You go, girlfriend!

• Agent Scully is preggo . . . by an alien! No, by a businessman. Whatever.

• Carmen Electra, former wife of Dennis Rodman and newly split from Dave Navarro, was seen on a date with Jamie Foxx. Well, you know the old saying: once you go black, you go back once and then a few years later you look in the mirror and say "I'm married to a guy who still wears eyeliner and feather boas in 2006" and THEN you vow to never go back. Or something.

• Did Fergie get dumped? Get dumped get dumped get dumped? Check it out.
 

We always suspected that Josh Duhamel was about as sane as Judy Garland at an all-you-can-swallow pharmacy. His choice of Fergie pee pee pants as his "girl"friend pretty much proves some sort of chemical imbalance. But picking a fight with Tommy Lee? His penis could knock you clear across the room and he wouldn't even have to look up from his drink.  

• Nicole Richie (version Fat.0) with plump rump ripe on the runway. Ah, those halcyon days of youth.

• Super kookynuts rumor of the day: Paris Hilton is set to dip her ring finger in the cheesy, Uncle Jesse style goodness of Stamos Nachos and become his lawfully wedded tortilla chip.

• Not only can 90210 "actress" Tori Spelling make disgusted faces and make David Silver get a boner, she can also make a baby! Yaaaay!

• After getting arrested for posession of crack yesterday, Kate Moss squire of yore Pete Doherty claims she left him for good because he's packing a wee weiner.

• While Enrique Iglesias claims that the rumors of his own lack of girth have been greatly exaggerated.

• She says Jacko's not the one, no, the kid is not his son.

• Yet ANOTHER reason to hate Fergie.

• Keeping with the Halloween spirit, Tom and Katie are set to wed on October 21rst.

• After the three Magi heard King Herod, they went on their way, and the star they had seen in the east went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was. On coming to the Malibu house with the tricked-out pink Hummer out front, they saw the child with his mother Britney, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented Sean Preston with gifts of woobies and of binkies and of myrrh. Merry X-mas, y'all!

 

• Pink proposed to her boyfriend, motocross racer and Surreal Life star Carey Hart. Not to be confused with Corey Hart. That would just be preposterous.

• Looks like Stella Lost Her Groove again. Because, as it turns out, her groove was A Gay.

• Fergie scares us. Fergie looks like a Cabbage Patch Kid that grew up and turned into a gypsy tweaker. But apparently, that's a look Josh Duhamel likes enough that he wants to wake up next to it for the rest of his life, so, you know. We're shutting up now.

• Bobby and Whitney say: You don't know true love until you've dug impacted feces out of your lover's sphincter.

• Brangelina gets attacked by some crazy punk kid! Not screwing? Pfft.

•Hey, look. Mariah Carey has a new boyfriend.