Having trouble finding an appropriate covering for your gazongas? That tarp from the back of your boyfriend's pickup truck not sufficing? Too modest to go the way of Pamela Anderson and just stretch a flimsy and transparent piece of white fabric over your man-made magambos? You're in luck, because Jordan's new lingerie line is for women just like you!

 

• Elle Macpherson's still got it! Believe the hype, feel the magic, catch the wave, etc., etc.

• Anna Nicole sold the video of her C-section to Entertainment Tonight for $1 million. OK, so for those who like to keep count: she sold the last pictures of her with her son, she sold the pictures of her "commitment ceremony" to lawyer/barnacle Howard K. Stern, she sold the (incredibly bloody and brutal) video of her baby's birth. Next on the auction block: the baby.

• Moby hopes that if and when he has children, they will turn out gay. Gay children everywhere are hoping that if and when they are sired, it won't be to Moby.

• Ryan Phillippe says, in regards to rumors that he cheated on Reese Witherspoon, “I’m not a perfect person, but I’m not guilty of a lot of the things I have been accused of.” He's not guilty of a lot of those things. Just a bunch of them. A passel, if you will.

• Lindsay Lohan has been rear-ended. Has she ever!

• Sienna Miller gets revenge on Pittsburgh by showing her boobs. That'll learn 'em.

• Jordan (sweet, sweet Jordan) says that husband Peter Andre's past as a schtupper of tramps makes her sick. Apparently, she feels fine about him being a present schtupper of one tramp.

• Jessica Simpson makes with the cleavage; jazz hands.

 

• George Michael says, "I don't have a drug problem!" Aside from being arrested after falling asleep in his car at an intersection. For the second time. In eight months.

• Avril Lavigne apologizes for hawking loogs on the Pavarotti, stating that she'd never spit on her fans. No, she'll just flip them off and cuss them out.

• Well, Jordan's obviously got her cell phone on "vibrate".

• There's another warrant out for Bobby Brown's arrest--he owes two months' worth of back child support, totalling $11,000. Oh please, they can't expect Bobby Brown to scrape up that kinda scratch these days.

• Mischa Barton's shirt says "Drop knowledge, not bombs". But what she's really dropping is a big ole doo log of an outfit.

• Carmen Electra poses for some nice "F U, Dave" shots.

• The "Marie Antoinette Association" of France are hopping mad about Kirsten Dunst's portrayal of the queen in Sofia Coppola's new film, helpfully titled Marie Antoinette. A spokesperson for the association hisses, "I've seen the trailer for the film on the internet. It is a fright. We've spent years trying to convince people that the queen was not just a libertine who told the starving to eat cake. What do you see on the trailer? You see Marie Antoinette eating cake. You see her lying naked on a chaise longue. I fear the film is going to set us back many years." God, just think of all the advancements these people have made by dressing up in powdered wigs and sending out mimeographed newsletters . . . down the drain! All those hours spent planning historical reenactment dinners--wasted! And just wait until people see the movie and actually believe that Marie Antoinette was a fang-toothed California blonde who listened to New Order! It'll be anarchy! Civil war! Innocents will be slaughtered! Pestilence will sweep the land! Sacre bleu!  

If you've been keeping up on the life and times of Jordan (and we know you have been, because you love tits, and she's got gargantuan ones) you know that she has a really interesting existence. So interesting, in fact, that she needed to write file her nails and look on approvingly as someone else wrote three volumes on her (surely randy) adventures (girl is frickin' twenty-eight!). And naturally after Paramount loses the rights to the life stories of Goldie Hawn, Tori Spelling, Minnie Mouse, and Saskatoon's local crazy cat lady, Jordan's memoirs will make a killer movie. And because Jordan happens to be a casting genius (we heard she was the true force behind the whole Gwen Stefani/Jean Harlow thing) she wants Keira Knightley to play her. Because that wouldn't be at all like Kate Bosworth wanting Gilbert Grape's mom to star in her life story.  

Flush with the first giddy glow of our morning speedball, we happily hopped on the internet to read the haps put forth by our gossip drill sergeant, FemaleFirst, and were met with the following headline:



Immediately, we were giddy with the mental image of Jordan happening upon a lass sporting an A-cup on the street, rolling up her "Your boyfriend wants me" glitter baby tee, and boxing the unsuspecting under-endowed lady about the face and chest with her Earth ball-sized conkers.  

• The highly downloadable Cindy Margolis will be posing for Playboy. She's the spokeswoman for the National Infertility Association. God, that makes us feel horny.

• Paris Hilton: attacked by evil flying car!

• American Idol contestant Katharine McPhee almost McPhlashed some McPhurburger on national TV last night. And she would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you pesky panties!

• Jordan shows us what she's famous for. And we ain't talkin' acting chops, writing style, or mellifluous singing voice. NSFW, natch.

• More Gong for your dong! Asian skinsation Gong Li gives us a reason to see the upcoming Miami Vice movie.

• When presented with the choice of doing time in the pen or being nurturing and contributing kindly to society via a little community service, Michelle Rodriguez said "fuck that" and picked jail. Because she's an asswipe. An asswipe who loooooves incarcerated poontang.

• Ashlee Simpson says that she's taller than sister Jessica and her legs are longer, although her jugs aren't as udderly colossal. It's a draw.

• Kevin Costner settles with the woman who accuses him of stroking his weiner in front of her. He is not Untouchable after all.  

Some people wear their hearts on their sleeves. And some people, like talking Real Doll Jordan, wear their hearts on their vulvas.  

• Katie Holmes: putting the "tard" in "unitard".

• Penelope Cruz dons the itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow bikini, sans polka dots.

• Reese was like "OMG I totes slept through the Oscar noms cuz I sooo don't care, whateverrrrr, tee hee hee" and then Heath and Michelle were all "Oh like us too, that illegitimate baby of ours can be a real shit so we were catching some Z's and like we got nominated and didn't even know it cuz we are sooo coooool LOL" and then we were like, "shut up, asswipes."

• Elle MacPherson toasts her tater tots in the sun. Again. Plus bonus Kylie Minogue shots (maybe old, but those breasts look perfectly healthy and cancer-free to us).

• Love is blind. Really, really, really blind: Zach Braff and Mandy Moore to wed.

• Crazy, cardboard-colored, bewigged Jordan is going to update her tits, trading her 32FFs for a more "pert" pair, and selling the old ones on eBay (natch). "I've had them eight years now," she says of her old pair. That's like 48 in fake tit years.

• Lisa Loeb ponies up a little bra to match the thong. Either she's really desperate for attention or she just likes to show off her underoos. Either way, you have an erection.  

You know what we always say: There's only one thing more eye-opening than coffee on a gray and gloomy Monday morn, and that's really really really gigantic overinflated fake breasts. That, and meth.