When you're a child, every birthday is a milestone. From playing "stack the Big Macs" at your sixth birthday at McDonald's, to your roller rink hoe-down at nine, to frenching Cody Johnson in the wood-paneled rec room closet at your thirteenth, they're all important winners. And if there's one thing you can count on for every single birthday, it's a mawkish, Raggedy Ann-emblazoned card from the grandparents so syrupy sweet, you're gently coaxed into a diabetic coma. Unless you're the child of Angelina Jolie. Then you're S.O.L. because Pappy Voight can't even tell the difference between you and a fully grown South American singer who has a penchant for singing about her hips and humble breasts.  

There's a chill in the air and the holidays are nearly upon us, so naturally celebrities are pairing off and trying to keep warm with marathon humping sessions. Hey, it's more practical than padding their bodies with a healthy layer of fat for insulation and risk landing only roles as the perpetually single friend of the slim and sexy star. We've got engagements between Nicole Kidman and a non-Kenny Chesney country star and Kimberly Stewart and some dude from some MTV show that our fourteen-year-old cousin really likes, Leonardo DiCaprio filling his Gisele void with some saggy Kirsten Dunst tit, and oh so much more.