We've all been waiting for a followup to last month's story/photo involving John Travolta laying a wet one on the parted lips of a male cohort, and finally, his camp have broken their silence and made a statement! Travolta's lawyer, Martin Singer, released the following official statement:

"As a manner of customary greeting and saying farewell, Mr. Travolta kisses both women and men whom he considers to be extremely close friends. People who are close to Mr. Travolta are aware of his customary, non-romantic gesture."

Singer further explained that Travolta's way of telling intimates "thank you" is to gently stroke their cheeks with his erect penis, and that he customarily wishes pals a merry Christmas by giving them a hearty reacharound.  

The explanation is as simple as it is innocent: John Travolta leans in to helpfully and selflessly suck out the thetans his intergalactic man-friend contracted after being dispatched to planet Earth on a top secret Scientological specimen-gathering mission.



Michelle Rodriguez, inspired by her gal-pal's novelty T-shirt, is about to heed its advice, take the lady home, and polish her breasts. With her face.

(Please don't stab us, Michelle.)  

Yes, it's apparent that Scientology can get you a position in the top echelon of the Hollywood elite, gobs of money, private jets named after your children (complete with you own hangar and runway), and a starring role in The Worst Movie Ever Made™. But John Revolta's most pressing needs--a personal trainer and a mega-dose of Trimspa--seem beyond The Church of L. Ron's reach.  

• Jessica Simpson has lost the part of Lucy Ewing in the upcoming Dallas movie because movie bosses are concerned she'd out-diva the biggest diva on the set, John Travolta. Oooops, we meant to say Jennifer Lopez. Did we really say "John Travolta"? How silly of us.

• So who ended up winning that coveted Lucy Ewing role? Katie Cassidy, daughter of Partridge Family teen dreamboat David. Pictures here. "Rock Heiress". That's funny.

• Mischa Barton on the beach, in a bikini. New! Improved! Now with 100% less Nicole Richie!

• Gwyneth Paltrow is "cutting" some "hot tracks" in the studio, possibly for an album. Nothing could ever top the bunny-soft, bun-numbing pap-rock track "Cruisin'" she recorded with Huey Lewis. Why bother?

• Star Jones: FIRED from The View! Barbara Walters: BETRAYED! Joy Behar: GLEEFUL! Al Reynolds: Gay as a garden party! Us: bored and hungry. You got any Pop Tarts or Li'l Hugs?

• Jessica Simpson's new video involves Christina Applegate, Christina Milian, Eva Longoria, a terry-cloth romper, and roller skates. Sweet, it's just like the Dire Straits "Skateaway" video, only with famous broads. Yayyyy!

• Britney: evil purple sea witch? Yes.

• Well, Kate Beckinsale and her husband certainly look very together, after all.

• Lindsay says, "I did not have sexual intercourse with . . . that man. Mr. McFly."

• Someone stop Sharon Stone before she adopts again!  

From today's PopBitch:

Fred Durst has been involved in many strange episodes but none quite like this story that's going around LA. Fred met John Travolta recently and the two men got quite chummy. One night, we hear, Travolta called Durst to say he was coming round. When he arrived, Travolta said "Johnny wants mouthwash. Johnny loves mouthwash." Durst gave him the mouthwash. Next thing he knew, Travolta leaned in for a kiss. Seeing Durst's surprise, Travolta took a step back, saying that he got the wrong end of the stick and left. Durst stood there, horrified. Not because of any kiss. But because Travolta wasn't wearing his wig.

I think we've all learned a sobering lesson here. When attempting a homosexual liplock with the be-hatted frontman of a bygone nu-metal outfit whose name is synonymous with a flaccid penis, sacrifice the Scope and instead, make sure to wear your toupée. Priorities, people.  

John Travolta and Kelly Preston have received the joyous news of the incubation of a brand new Scientologist, and they've graciously offered up a bit of parental guidance for Tom and Katie: a totally silent birth! No epidurals, no talking, no music, and no expressions of pain from the birthing mother. Sounds great! We at CelebNewsWire always make it a point to follow any advice that the Travolta is willing to toss our way, which is why we all work hard on our hair, and why we're living in a plastic bubble.  

• Frances Bean Cobain brings to mind the nature vs. nurture debate. A girl whose father committed suicide when she was a toddler and whose mother is a walking genital chancre can end up this mature, honest, and practical and yet your investment-banker brother's prep-school son deals meth and crashed his Escalade into a White Castle drive-through window. It boggles the mind.

• FEMA can't get it together to bring immediate aid to New Orleans, yet John Travolta can. What a sick, crazy, messed-up world we live in.

• Sloooowly they grow. Step by step. Inch by inch. Lindsay Lohan is looking positively zaftig.

• "Preseedeent Boosh, he is a bad man, yes? I know this because I open the television." Celine Dion, ladies and gentlemen!

• Angie Harmon: crooked eyeballs. Symmetrical nipples.

• Nicolette Sheridan: also boobs.

• As God is her witness, Britney will never! Eat Fritos! Again!

• First, their lives are shattered by a devastating national disaster, then the federal government fucks up colossally and drags feet on rescue efforts, then they're shipped off to Memphis, and now some New Orleans evacuees are denied the chance to belt out Rod Stewart's "Rhythm of my Heart" for Randy Jackson? That's cold, dawg.

 

In other creepy Scientologist news, "actor" John Travolta says that he sleeps all day because that's the only way to avoid fans who recognize him. The CelebNewsWire staff keeps those hours, too, but not to avoid crazed fans. We're just depressed alcoholics!