Yes, Jessica, we believe you. Your daddy loves his little girl, but not in an inappropriate way. He would never want to ogle your breasts and he surely never talked momma Tina into playing the at-home version of Newlyweds, complete with Ken Paves wigs. He just likes to take pictures of you while you're on a bed, wrapped in a sheet, and looking as relaxed and fulfilled as that lady in the old Calgon ads. But he didn't ask you to think about dildos while he was taking those pictures, so that's gotta count for something.  

Jessica Simpson's creepy daddy has convinced her that she's starring in a new movie opposite Luke Wilson even though Wilson has not agreed to the film. We hear Papa Joe has a knack for convincing his daughters of things that are completely untrue. After all, someone must have told Ashlee she had a really pretty voice.  

Hey, guys, did you hear? Jessica Simpson is sexy. She has amazing boobs. And now that her sister Ashlee got that nose job she's sexy too. You hardly even notice her butt chin anymore. They are sexy, sexy, sexy. You know how we know? Their dad told us. He thinks they're totally hot and sexy and yummy and tasty and other words that no father should ever say about his little girls. And you know what else? He loves to take pictures of them. Doesn't every dad love to take pictures of his daughters? In bikinis? With cleavage hanging out?  

• Who wears short shorts? Jessica Simpson wears short shorts. Heyyyyy. Nice mons pubis.

• Given the choice, Nick Lachey would rather be stuck on a desert island with Satan than with his supremely vile former father-in-law, Papa Joe Simpson. That makes 6 billion of us, Nick.

• Kate Moss might as well face that she's addicted to Pete Doherty. She wishes she knew how to quit him. Brokecrack Mountain?

• Another Doherty--Shannen--angrily hung up on a Newsweek reporter after being asked about her fiery, Naomi-Campbell-like, fired-from-Spelling-shows days. God, you run over a boyfriend 15 years ago and you never hear the end of it!

• "Christina Milian" kind of rhymes with "this tiny little thong". Sorta.

• The divorce gets ugly: Travis Barker questions his estranged wife Shanna Moakler's parenting skills, booze intake, nail salon visits, and open-door vagina policy . . . on his MySpace blog! We can't wait until she hits back with a string of vitriolic friend comments and some extra-hot profile pics taken in the bathroom mirror.

• Keith Urban, pre-tooth job looks an awful lot like Limahl of Kajagoogoo fame.

• Note to Nicole Richie: when size 000 bikini bottoms start to look like droopy adult sumo diapers, it might be time to try a cruller or something.

• One, two, princes kneel before you/thats what I said, now/princes, princes who adore you/just go ahead, now/William has a cosmo in his hand/that sounds great, now/Harry said he wants to honk your mam, now/aint in his head, now.  

Papa Joe Simpson gives a hearty thumbs-up to the following things: his daughter's breasts, talking about his daughter's breasts, allowing his daughter to show off her breasts in print and on screen. Not OK? Hanging out with Eva Longoria. Never did we think we'd have so much in common with Jessica Simpson's father. Aside from our shared glorious mango-hued tans and an airs of stifling skeeziness.  

If there's one thing America likes more than blondes with huge snoobs, it's blondes with huge snoobs who like to talk about 'em all the time. Jessica Simpson: our national treasure.  

We have absolutely shocking news for you this morning: Joe Simpson is a skeezy lying old windbag. What’s that? You already knew that? Damn, what do we have to do around here to impress you, prove that Papa Joe lost both of his testicles in a misguided stunt orchestrated by a pre-adolescent Johnny Knoxville and that Ashlee’s biological father is actually a chimp named Goober? Would that make you happy?  

You know, we thought that Simpson sisters' creepmaster general father, Joe, couldn't get any more shuddersome after his appreciative comments in regards to Jessica's breasts. Guess what? We were wrong.  

What can one say about former Baptist minister and Simpson sister dad Joe Simpson that hasn't already been said? The highlights, the Botox, the way he puppeteers his progeny, his diva snit fits . . . if all that weren't enough to give you the douche chills, he's now singing the praises of Jessica's beans from every rooftop, while simultaneously forbidding Ashlee to dyke it up in her first movie.