We absolutely, unequivocally believe that we are just moments away from seeing Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey perform the hillbilly interpretation of sex on our very own moving-image-machine thingy. But then again, we also believe that we are a magical creature birthed of the union of a unicorn and a hallucinogenic mushroom and that we can shoot diamonds encased in fire out of our ass. So what we believe might not hold much water.  

• Kirsten Dunst's teatlets meet a lace-paneled dress, peekaboo nippage ensues. The pictures are old, but so are you, geezer.

• John Mayer and Jessica Simpson are together again, naturally. Even though they say they weren't together in the first place. But they are now. Probably. Eh.

• Well, we had the dubious honor of viewing the Screech sex tape yesterday. What can we say about it? He refers to himself in the third person, as "the D Man", he is more interested in the various edibles the ladies have around their hotel room than their vaginas, and the first 15 minutes consist of Dustin and his lady in a bubble bath, discussing the finer points of 24. Fleshbot has their own review. And screencaps.

• Agent Scully had a baby! And despite her insistence that the child was sired by boyfriend Clyde Klotz, her ex-husband Julian Ozanne is demanding a paternity test. So we can find out it's half-alien. And then Mulder will watch porn and there will be sexual tension, etc.

• Australian Holly Valance's nipple boomerangs out of her swimsuit. Crikey!

• Keira Knightley is engaged to her actor arm candy Rupert Friend. Can you imagine calling up your parents and saying, "Mom, Dad, I am going to be Mrs. Rupert Friend"? And then your parents would howl with laughter and say, "Sure, and I'm about to marry Nigel Sparkleshowers! Ahahahaha! His best man will be Cecil Rhys-Babybunnybottom! Hahahahaha!"

• Penelope Cruz half naked for Pirelli. Why are you still reading this?

• Janet Jackson has made whoopee on a plane. In her seat. Surrounded by passengers. And peanuts. And crying babies. And manhandled issues of Flight magazine. And the heady stench of impeding fiery death. Anyone else have a boner right now?

• Will Smith says that he and Jada are homeschooling their children, because history and dates aren't important, and anything of consequence you need to know, like for example how to fly a space shuttle, can be found in books. So if you see a couple of confused children wandering around Hollywood, scratching their asses and crying because they don't know how to find bus fare or talk to non-Cruises, but do know how to commandeer a submarine, they would be the Smith progeny.  

• Elle Macpherson's still got it! Believe the hype, feel the magic, catch the wave, etc., etc.

• Anna Nicole sold the video of her C-section to Entertainment Tonight for $1 million. OK, so for those who like to keep count: she sold the last pictures of her with her son, she sold the pictures of her "commitment ceremony" to lawyer/barnacle Howard K. Stern, she sold the (incredibly bloody and brutal) video of her baby's birth. Next on the auction block: the baby.

• Moby hopes that if and when he has children, they will turn out gay. Gay children everywhere are hoping that if and when they are sired, it won't be to Moby.

• Ryan Phillippe says, in regards to rumors that he cheated on Reese Witherspoon, “I’m not a perfect person, but I’m not guilty of a lot of the things I have been accused of.” He's not guilty of a lot of those things. Just a bunch of them. A passel, if you will.

• Lindsay Lohan has been rear-ended. Has she ever!

• Sienna Miller gets revenge on Pittsburgh by showing her boobs. That'll learn 'em.

• Jordan (sweet, sweet Jordan) says that husband Peter Andre's past as a schtupper of tramps makes her sick. Apparently, she feels fine about him being a present schtupper of one tramp.

• Jessica Simpson makes with the cleavage; jazz hands.

 

Jessica Simpson is reportedly addicted to flirting online, via a fake MySpace profile. Also, Jessica has met the man of her dreams on the networking site. He's knowledgable, prolific, All-American, and friendly. Although the pair have yet to meet "IRL", Jessica is confident that she's found The One in her new e-boyfriend . . . Tom!  

Yes, Jessica, we believe you. Your daddy loves his little girl, but not in an inappropriate way. He would never want to ogle your breasts and he surely never talked momma Tina into playing the at-home version of Newlyweds, complete with Ken Paves wigs. He just likes to take pictures of you while you're on a bed, wrapped in a sheet, and looking as relaxed and fulfilled as that lady in the old Calgon ads. But he didn't ask you to think about dildos while he was taking those pictures, so that's gotta count for something.  

Awhile back we brought you a story of Britney Spears firing her publicist and becoming her own rep. (And these rather respectable-looking pictures make us think that might not have been the idiotic move we prophesied.) It may be a bit shocking, but it seems that Britney has started a trend, as Jessica Simpson is now following in her footsteps. Let's just hope that Jess doesn't find herself a baggy-panted deadbeat and shoot out a couple of kids, cause we can't handle two Britneys.  

Jessica Simpson's creepy daddy has convinced her that she's starring in a new movie opposite Luke Wilson even though Wilson has not agreed to the film. We hear Papa Joe has a knack for convincing his daughters of things that are completely untrue. After all, someone must have told Ashlee she had a really pretty voice.  

Hey, guys, did you hear? Jessica Simpson is sexy. She has amazing boobs. And now that her sister Ashlee got that nose job she's sexy too. You hardly even notice her butt chin anymore. They are sexy, sexy, sexy. You know how we know? Their dad told us. He thinks they're totally hot and sexy and yummy and tasty and other words that no father should ever say about his little girls. And you know what else? He loves to take pictures of them. Doesn't every dad love to take pictures of his daughters? In bikinis? With cleavage hanging out?  

Are John Mayer and Jessica Simpson a perfect match, like Peaches and Herb? Are they even really dating? Did John dump Jessica's ass? Do we get to take a crack at her next? Then we really don't care.  

You know how in school when there was a raffle to give away a giant trampoline or a moped or something the girl who 's dad owned the paper mill and who had her very own Lamborghini at fourteen always won even though you really, really wanted it and totally deserved it? Jessica Simpson is that girl.  

Yesterday we made fun of Jessica Simpson's resemblance to Daisy Duck. Sure, it was a low blow and we were a bit ashamed of it, but we stand by our assessment of the state of Jess's lips, even if it was just an odd expression. What we had forgotten about were the days of yore, lo, nine months ago, when Jessica's lips were inflated like a juicy pair of Italian beefs. But thankfully Jess has jogged our memory by admitting that it wasn't a jealous punch in the face by Ashlee or even an allergic reaction to Johnny Knoxville's teeny wiener that gave her the Rinna lips, but a nice dose of foreign matter pumped into her face.  

We have never in our life believed one word we read in The National Enquirer. Wait, we take that back. When we read the ad for 100% polyester culottes in various shades of sorbet and it claimed they were a "flattering fit to any body type," we were sold. And damn do those things make our ass look outstanding. But nonetheless, when we received the latest copy of the tab and read a little article claiming that Jessica Simpson and John Mayer were secretly dating, we might as well have been reading an article about Britney Spears's gestating offspring possessing both male and female genitalia--and a tail! But it turns out that the story might be true. Does this mean that Mike Walker's story about Angelina Jolie wrestling an alligator and cutting off its head for a trophy is true too? (OK, we might have made up that last part, but you believed it, didn't you?)  

We feel kind of bad for the Jackass guys. Sure, they have another movie coming out and Johnny Knoxville seems to be doing pretty well for himself, but the lesser Jackasses seem to have fallen on hard times. Bam Margera's uncle was just arrested for being a kid-toucher, Steve-O has a heart condition and possibly placed his pork sword inside of Nicole Richie, and now, Chris Pontius has been relegated to writing and recording a novelty song about last year's rumor involving Bam boffing Jessica Simpson. Which comes hot on the heels of Brandon "Fat Elvis" Davis and Scott Storch recording a "Firecrotch" diss song. And you can't fall much lower than being likened to Brandon Davis and Scott Storch. Unless you were to force a kindergarten class to watch you set fire to a litter of newborn bunnies, maybe.  

• Brittany Murphy has ended her engagement to best boy/grip Joe Macaluso. Brittany, do you actually think you're going to be able to do better? He's the BEST boy, for Christ's sake!

• "Kevin Federline mauled by rap community." God, if only that headline were literal.

• Janet Jackson says that fiancé Jermaine Dupri sexually takes her to places she's never been before. Oh, like the Ewok Village? Get it? Cuz he's short.

• Proving you can never have too much of a good thing: even more pictures of the expansive side of Lindsay Lohan's enormous, speckled breast.

• And Lindsay's dad is quite the little Jim Davis, taking pen to paper and cartooning the demons pulling his daughter from his fatherly embrace. Impressive, but we would have drawn Lindsay crying "ACK!" and holding a bikini on a hanger to illustrate her body-image issues.

• A devious, scrawny mammal that steals sneakily, and Kevin Federline. One and the same, friends, but which one has more facial hair?

• Britney angrily refused to allow Jessica Simpson to kiss her pregnant belly, which is the first smart thing Britney's done, child-rearing-wise. Perhaps she didn't want to risk having her fetus get poisoned by toxic, cupcake-scented plumping gloss.

• Beyonce and Jay-Z are planning a $3 million wedding. Bet the courtesy gift bag will be fabulous!

• Jessica Simpson is now hawking hairpieces. What is she, a Mandrell?  

Papa Joe Simpson gives a hearty thumbs-up to the following things: his daughter's breasts, talking about his daughter's breasts, allowing his daughter to show off her breasts in print and on screen. Not OK? Hanging out with Eva Longoria. Never did we think we'd have so much in common with Jessica Simpson's father. Aside from our shared glorious mango-hued tans and an airs of stifling skeeziness.  

• K-Fed and Britney want to launch a non-false tabloid Magazine of Truth that doesn't tell any lies or nasty rumors or fun stuff about celebrities. Sorry to piss in your lemonade, but that already exists. It's called People.

• Jessica Simpson's mother does not agree with Papa Joe's willingness to pimp her out. Jessica responds by donning a semi-sheer dress. Nations rejoice, war and poverty and crime end.

• Heath Ledger: what a joker.

• Most actresses like to don an expensive, tasteful, and stunning designer gown to their post-wedding reception. Pam Anderson wears a skipper hat, a $12.99 bikini from Fashion Bug, and naked nipples.

• In some circles, Tom Cruise's crotch is known as The Punisher. Poor Katie Holmes has certainly suffered enough as a result of it.

• And is Tom about to ensnare K-Hole as his legal baby-baking concubine? If oversized planters and outdoor chandeliers are any indication of a Scientological spirit-uniting ceremony (and they certainly should be), then yes.

• What's more entertaining than a Mel Gibson mugshot? Pictures of Mel Gibson, well into his cups, manhandling strange women mere hours before said mugshot.

• Would you like to see Lindsay Lohan's box? Oh, wait, we meant "Lindsay Lohan boxing". So sorry.

• Speaking of Lohan, and nipples, and transparent apparel: Lindsay aped Jessica and ponied up some vague nip. Or did Jessica ape Lindsay? No matter--we're all winners here.  

Ahhhh!!!! Everbody run! Tara Reid is on the other side of the pool! I heard she's been flashing her plastic tits all over the place! No one is safe! Get me out of here!  

• Macaulay Culkin and Mila Kunis star in the action-packed thriller Escape!!! From the Holy Land!

• Ex-supermodel/ex-Rod Stewart concubine Rachel Hunter shows her punters on the beach. Stacy's mom has got it goin' on.

• Do you want to watch Jessica Simpson gulp down a phallic mouthful of creamy, fluffy froth? You probably do, sure.

• Kirsten Dunst brings in da noize, brings in da fug.

• Christina Aguilera's breasts are covered in this fetching golf-style ensemble, but the scoop neck still manages to caress and cradle them gently, yet conspicuously. Well done!

• Leah Remini says that Suri Cruise is totally real and has dark hair. Katie Holmes is spotted with curiously plasticine blonde baby-like figure. Someone's a lying sack of turds.

• Lance Bass and Reichen Lehmkuhl: "If you're Lance Bass, and you're going to the gayest town on the gayest day of the year and going to gay parties, you have to expect something."

• That bandeau bikini top is no match for the speckled flesh globules resting upon Lindsay Lohan's upper chestal region.

• Justin Timberlake is desperate for street cred. Who's bad?  

• Jessica Simpson, in a bikini, on vacation. She's taking great care to conceal her crotch behind various objects, which can only mean one thing: BABY BUMP! Just kidding, she probably forgot to shave.

• Ever wonder what goes on behind the closed doors at a high-powered meeting in which executives get together with the Olsen twins to discuss their next line of clothing/cosmetics/cereal/handbags? Tareytons, is what. Cartons and cartons and cartons of Tareytons.

• Take a stick of raw linguine, dye it paper-bag brown, glue a Crystal Barbie wig to the top of it and two half coconut shells halfway down, and what do you get? Victoria Beckham.

• Jennifer Ellison wears panties that show her clam. Her pussyclam.

• Big fluffy hair was cool in the '80s; Tommy Lee sported the look well into the '90s. And now that it's 2006, Tommy Lee has finally moved on to last decade, showing off some highly sweet tribal tattoos paired with Manic Panic hair. Luckily, huge dongs never go out of style.

• The Curious Birth of Suri No Middle Name Cruise: the legend continues.

• Jackie Chan, all hopped up on Seagram's Golden Wine Coolers, causes a rumpus at a concert. We'd expect that kind of behavior from a McConaughey or a Sutherland, but that nice Chan boy?

• Alyssa Milano wants to create a line of women's sports fan gear. Which, if her shirt is any indication, will involve lots of pastel smocking and rainbow beads. Go team!

• Stacey Dash, naked in Playboy. Not a Monet.  

• Jessica Simpson has lost the part of Lucy Ewing in the upcoming Dallas movie because movie bosses are concerned she'd out-diva the biggest diva on the set, John Travolta. Oooops, we meant to say Jennifer Lopez. Did we really say "John Travolta"? How silly of us.

• So who ended up winning that coveted Lucy Ewing role? Katie Cassidy, daughter of Partridge Family teen dreamboat David. Pictures here. "Rock Heiress". That's funny.

• Mischa Barton on the beach, in a bikini. New! Improved! Now with 100% less Nicole Richie!

• Gwyneth Paltrow is "cutting" some "hot tracks" in the studio, possibly for an album. Nothing could ever top the bunny-soft, bun-numbing pap-rock track "Cruisin'" she recorded with Huey Lewis. Why bother?

• Star Jones: FIRED from The View! Barbara Walters: BETRAYED! Joy Behar: GLEEFUL! Al Reynolds: Gay as a garden party! Us: bored and hungry. You got any Pop Tarts or Li'l Hugs?

• Jessica Simpson's new video involves Christina Applegate, Christina Milian, Eva Longoria, a terry-cloth romper, and roller skates. Sweet, it's just like the Dire Straits "Skateaway" video, only with famous broads. Yayyyy!

• Britney: evil purple sea witch? Yes.

• Well, Kate Beckinsale and her husband certainly look very together, after all.

• Lindsay says, "I did not have sexual intercourse with . . . that man. Mr. McFly."

• Someone stop Sharon Stone before she adopts again!  

Ohmigod! Kyra Sedgwick has turned into a vampire! And she's going to suck out all of Eva Longoria's blood and leave her for dead. Actually, we're pretty ok with that. Please proceed, Kyra. Wait, what's that you say? That's twenty-five-year-old Jessica Simpson, who as far as we know can let sunlight touch her skin, not forty-year-old Kyra Sedgwick preparing for her next role in an Anne Rice adaptation? Man, that girl's got problems.  

So Jessica Simpson is in the new issue of Maxim and if you think that means she's thumbing her nose at Papa Joe and Christ and the Bible and virginity till marriage and such and such, you're sorely mistaken. Dig, if you will, this picture:


Sure, we have that Jessica smile, a swimsuit, and a bit of undercleave. However, it's difficult to notice these things when she's painted a curious sorrel hue, crammed into a bathing suit designed for Floridian nanas, and sporting a wig that would look right at home perched atop the head of a Mandrell or two.  

So what were the serious journalists over at In Touch doing while People was negotiating their $4.1 million buy of the Brangelina family fun pics? They were rating celebrity racks. Because who cares about Piloh Shitt when there are boobs to ogle?  

Yesterday we brought you a story about Jessica Simpson's sterling, Dickensian intellect. Well, apparently thinking isn't the only thing this girl is less than adept at. She can't dance either. But she has mastered the art of dressing like a Long Island teenager cruising around in her twenty-six-year-old boyfriend's Iroc-Z, circa 1989.  

We would have thought that in a meeting of the minds between Jessica Simpson and Pam Anderson the result would pretty much be a draw. But, boy, did we overestimate Jessica Simpson's brain power. As our drunk, senile grandpa used to say, "She's dumber than a pocket full of rocks."  

Just when we thought Jessica Simpson was a cold, heartless, unfeeling celebubot, she proves us wrong by going to a psychiatrist to work through some mental issues. We thought that Papa Joe had taken care of those years ago, but apparently he left a couple emotion receptors intact when he was harvesting her soul.  

We've been hard up for gossip this week, and hard up for Sexy Lady Stories. Save for Ashlee Simpson's butt crack, the dames have been making like it's the 18th century and swaddling themselves from nose to toes in bulky clothes. The closest we're able to come to ocular titillation today is this confounding picture of Jessica Simpson:



The laser-like beam of the paparazzo's flash can cut clean through a sweater and a button-up shirt, but not through a flimsy, gossamer brassiere?  

• Jake Gyllenhaal has a new beard! And a new girlfriend. So that's . . . two . . . beards. Yeah.

• Ashlee Simpson and her freshly minted honker show some Ash-crack.

• And Jessica Simpson nearly put her dog through the scanner at an airport security checkpoint. In related news, she's still a big dummy.

• Lindsay Lohan still attempting to resurrect 1988 leggings. Next up, LiLo will singlehandedly bring back Fido Dido gear.

• See Kiefer. See Kiefer drink. See Kiefer drink and drop trou.

• Keith Richards may never perform again. Promise?

 

I'm sure you've noticed that we like to kick off every day with what we like to call "The Sexy Lady Story". An entry with a slipped nip, or a whiff of errant quim snaking out of a bathing suit, or some celebrity blathering on about her love of sex with cobbler elves. Celebrity camel toe is a trail upon which we've not yet trodden, but in these desperate, lean times, we need to provide a visual outlet for our reader's frustrations, and if a picture of Jessica Simpson's stretch pants tucked up into the cleave of her vulva is all we have to go on, then so be it.  

Jessica Simpson is reportedly "devastated" over Nick Lachey's tell-all interview with Rolling Stone/Us Weekly. Not that she cares so much that he revealed details of their split; she's just pissed that he did it right before the release of his sure-to-be-bigger-than-Thriller album. A boy's gotta pay for his Kiehl's and his mani-pedis somehow until those alimony checks start pouring in, and appearing as the hunky-yet-dimwitted refrigerator repairman on every show on the WB was getting a little stale.