Even thought she was rumored to be possibly throwing it to Zach Braff just last week, the word is that Jessica Biel is now maybe dating Derek Jeter. Sorry, but we're never going to be able to take anyone named JETER seriously. That's not the name of a virile sportsman. That is the name of a Saturday morning television show puppet who teaches you about cooperation and sharing.  

Well, what do we have here?

 

Jessica Biel has a new movie out. Jessica Biel's new movie is called The Illusionist. But the real illusion here is Jessica Biel's butt and the fact that it is jaw-droppingly, heart-clutchingly, groin-singeingly colossal.

 

On a slow gossip day we like to pander to the perverted. We give your nipple slips, your pokies, your ladies looking alluring or talking about vibrators or their waxing preferences. But since Eva Longoria seems to be sleeping off a night of Jello shots and Tony Parker pounding and is keeping her mouth shut this morning, we bring you Jessica Biel and the always arousing lesbian liplock.  

Posting pictures of celebrities wearing bikinis serves several purposes. First and foremost, it gives you, the reader, a reason to touch yourself, you know, down there. Second, it's sheer laziness on our part--we don't have to be our usually sparkling selves, whizzing zingers from beyond cyberspace. But most importantly, Jessica Biel's butt serves the important purpose of a beer rest, pillow, or stepstool. And that, friends, marks the first time the words "butt" and "stool" have appeared together in a very sexy sentence.
 

Are you completely out of touch with the world? Are you still clinging to a stained and torn copy of 1987's JCPenney catalog, the lingerie section of which you have completely devoted to memory? Do you need new meat for your masturbatory fantasies? Ask Men is here for you, Mr. Stuck in the '80s Man, and has helpfully compiled a list of the 99 women you should most want to have sex with. And, no, the 17-year-old girl who works at KFC who kind of looks like your hot cousin isn't on it, you sick freak.