Jessica Alba doesn't want God to tell her how to dress. If she wants to wear a shirt with a neckline down to her navel, then God can suck it. But she's way too moral to ever show off her stuff on camera. That would be, like, a sin or something.  

Scarlett Johansson has been named Esquire magazine's "Sexiest Woman Alive". Jessica Alba nabbed the title of "Most Kissable" by readers of The Sun. And Beyoncé's buns are wearing a little crown today, as they've been deemed "Best Booty" by the discerning readers of In Touch Weekly. Which begs the question: who possesses the sexiest and most kissable ass? Did we just blow your mind?  

Jessica Alba says she lost a tooth while filming a sex scene with Dane Cook. We're guessing that the thing sacrificed itself just to escape Dane's whiny, frat-boy-tinged brand of "humor". Really, Jess is lucky something more serious didn't happen, like her arms detaching themselves from her torso or her internal organs crawling up through her throat and making a run for it.  

So what were the serious journalists over at In Touch doing while People was negotiating their $4.1 million buy of the Brangelina family fun pics? They were rating celebrity racks. Because who cares about Piloh Shitt when there are boobs to ogle?  

• Heath Ledger got squirted with water as a prank and took it really personally. What, are you gonna cry about it? Huh, little tiny baby Heathie? Gonna cry? Go on, cryyyyyy, baby! Cryyyyyy!

• Piloh Shitt, for real this time:

Many, many more pictures of mom, dad, Zahara, new baby, and nursing bra here.

• We're just a copper hair away from seeing the freckles pouring forth from Lindsay Lohan's firecrotch.

• Speaking of Lindsay, she incurred the fiery wrath of Vogue editrix Anna Wintour at the CFDA Awards when she failed to get a hall pass to visit the potty. Six times. In two hours.

• Elle MacPherson is still a foxy MacPerson.

• Nicole Richie, mad with hunger, throws water all over some poor paparazzo. Maybe she mistook him for Heath Ledger?

• Jessica Alba pulls a Teri Hatcher and trusses up her already buoyant, flawless blammos with tape. Son of a bitch.

• Katherine Heigl wants to show off her Grey's Anatomy on a sex tape. We can say with utterly no sarcasm whatsoever that the idea is a wonderful one and should be carried out immediately, and with zest.

• PIcking up freshly-laid, warm dog crap with a plastic bag makes Mariah's nipples hard.

• Chris "alpha heterosexual male" Klein grows the beard that Topher Grace just shaved off.  

When Jessica Alba was a mere teenager she was incessantly poked with big, long penises. Big, long . . . dolphin penises?  

Our gossip godhead, FemaleFirst, reports that Jessica Alba is "desperate"--desperate!--to sun her bare beans at the beach this summer. And she would be able to get away with it, too, if it weren't for you pesky paparazzi!  

Jessica Alba's nipple! Jessica Alba's nipple! We. Can. See. Jessica. Alba's. Nipple. This may be the greatest moment of our pathetic, joyless life. We now have no goals, no ambition, no reason to live. If we're not here tomorrow, know that we died with a smile on our face and a dong in our hand.  

All we have to say is "Jessica Alba making out with a monkey" and you will be compelled to click on that little thing that says more and read on. Hell, we probably could have stopped at just "Jessica Alba" and you still would have read on, hoping that we were going to talk about her boobs.  

Hugh Hefner truly is the most powerful man on the planet. One minute Jessica Alba is threatening to sue him for getting men's penises hopes up that she's naked on the pages of Playboy, and then he sends her a letter saying, "I'm sorry, gorgeous, can't we make up?" and all is forgiven. He must have a foot-long dick made out of chocolate and dipped in gold and studded with diamonds. Ew. We just talked about Hugh Hefner's dong. We feel dirty.  

Another day, another lad mag tells you whom you should masturbate to tonight. And in what may be the upset of the century--or at least right behind that whole Crash/Brokeback Mountain thing--Scarlett Johansson is now your top masturbatory fantasy. Jessica Alba is crying into her no-nudity clause as we speak.  

We are conducting an informal poll to dissuade Jessica Alba from becoming Joan Crawfordesque box-office poison. Will you help us out?

OK, raise your hand if you'd like to see Jessica Alba with her caboose crack hanging out of her chaps, writhing on a table. Good! Great, thanks. OK now, raise your hand if you'd like to see Jessica Alba fully clothed in, like, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. Anyone? Hello? Anyone?

The point has been made. Jessica, this is for your own good.  

Wanna see Jessica Alba posing in a men's magazine? Albat you do! Oh ho ho ho ho! Great merciful God in heaven, how did we get to be so incredibly hilarious? CelebNewsWire does it again, people!  

Belinda Carlisle is shopping her life story around to movie execs, and she vainly wants Jessica Alba to play her. Because if anyone can fully inhabit the role of a chubby Valley Girl who goes punk then pop then picks up a rehab-worthy coke habit, it's a drug-free Latina health nut!  

It's been a few hours since Eva Longoria has spoken publicly about ripping all the hairs out of her vulva or cramming vibrating phalluses into her cooze or branding her ladybusiness with the initials of her boyfriend, giant Tony Parker. We make no bones about our derision toward the pocket-sized primadonna, but when she starts blathering about having lezzie crushes on a bunch of famous broads, we're all rears! Or ears. Same thing.  

If you are in charge of a magazine that puts hazy, back-lit photos of half-plastic women in crotchless white lace lingerie between its covers, don't try to fool us horny, Jessica Alba lovin' Americans by putting a picture of her in a bikini on your cover and then not delivering the hooters inside. 'Cause she'll sue you. And we'll be left jerking off to some girl we found on MySpace named Jessica Balba. Nobody wants that.  

Your long, sleepless nights full of hair-tearing, red-rimmed, gummy eyes, and constantly wondering, "Is she? Isn't she? How will I know for sure???" are over! Take the glock out of your mouth and remove the noose from 'round your neck, because it's finally official! Jessica Alba is, indeed, sexy!  

As we told you a few days ago, Jessica Alba topped a poll to be crowned the #1 girl with whom men would like to have a relationship. Jessica Alba as your best girl? Keen! Jessica in a Ship n' Shore blouse, on your arm at the big homecoming dance, holding hands at the flickers, sharing a raspberry lime rickey at the soda shoppe . . . However, one of her former costars classifies her under a different heading: #1 grudgefuck.  

Are you completely out of touch with the world? Are you still clinging to a stained and torn copy of 1987's JCPenney catalog, the lingerie section of which you have completely devoted to memory? Do you need new meat for your masturbatory fantasies? Ask Men is here for you, Mr. Stuck in the '80s Man, and has helpfully compiled a list of the 99 women you should most want to have sex with. And, no, the 17-year-old girl who works at KFC who kind of looks like your hot cousin isn't on it, you sick freak.  

Hey, there, Jessica Alba. Look at you! Look at cute little you, Jessica Alba. All wearin' another bikini and stuff, all playing around on the beach with your boyfriend and crap. Look at you. We see you, Jessica Alba! All holdin' hands and kissin' and dancin' in the surf and what have you. There you are. Cute. Cutie cute-cute. That's you. That's you, Jessica Alba.  

Admit it--if you were Jessica Alba, you'd wear a bikini all the time, too.  

Second-rate filmmakers are usually good at getting attention for their films without resorting to things like talented actors, good writing, or spectacular special effects. The best way to do this is with nudity, hopefully of the rampant and full-frontal variety. But when your flick stars famously prudish Jessica Alba, you have to look to other avenues. Such as coaching your actors to be total douchbags in public. It might have backfired for Cinderella Man, but it's sure to garner Awake a few viewers.  

• Pink says she wants to have lezzie sex with Kelly Osbourne. Well, that makes one of us.

• Jessica Alba pokes our eyes out. With her tits.

• Renée Zellweger's behatted bygone ball and chain Kenny Chesney assures us that he's "pretty firm" in his sexuality. Just pretty firm, though.

• Stamos Nachos learns an important lesson: when driving Paris Hilton's Bentley under the influence while chased by paparazzi and while bystanders are filming the whole melee, do not obscure your drunken double vision with your jacket or you will crash into a truck, leaving your girlfriend no other recourse than to blow kisses at the cops. Oh, please, like we all haven't been there.

• Mischa Barton's publicist once urged her to play hide-the-hot-dog with Leonardo diCaprio to further her career. Mischa expressed digust, not because he looks like a weepy-eyed Pekingese or the fact that he was on Growing Pains and totally has gross Ben Seaver germs, but because he's "like, thirty, or something".

• Jessica Simpson tried to pull an Angelina and went on a humanitarian mission to Africa, only to fake sick. Because she's an asshole.

• Models! Fluffy wings! Horny elves! Tyra Banks's farewell to modeling! Asses curiously devoid of cellulite! Light-up tit-tays! Candy canes! Inexplicable puffballs! High-res pics! Heidi Klum having a better body 8 hours after giving birth than we had at age 16! It's the Victoria's Secret fashion show! Wheeee!

 

You can stop egging Jessica Alba's house now. It's not Halloween anymore, she's never going to notice you, and you're violating your restraining order. Also, there's no need to be angry with her anymore--apparently, she is not the one to blame for her acute lack of film flesh.  

Jessica Alba says she's proud to be a role model for "curvy", non-anorexic girls. We don't know about the rest of you, but we think it's so refreshing to finally see a 122 lb. woman with 0.63% body fat make it in Tinseltown.  

Back in the day, magazines were like shiny books that had these funny squiggles called "words" that were part of things called "articles" that people "read". Weird, right? Now they're full of photographs of college co-eds and bartendresses with very very spherical buttocks. In the face of your Maxims and your FHMs, Esquire has stepped up its game, first featuring Keira Knightley's knipple, and now showing Jessica Alba all spruced up like sexy movie star broads of yore.  

In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. In 2005, Jessica Alba bares an ocean boob.  

Jessica Alba is, like, super pretty and stuff so it comes as no surprise that directors would try the old casting couch trick with her. And it should also come as no surprise that she would politely decline, because she is Jessica Alba, and she is super pretty and stuff. But she doesn't turn them down because she is out of their league. Oh no.  

• The fatcats behind Jessica Alba's recent movies have messed with perfection. They must pay. Oh, wait, they made her boobs BIGGER? Oh. Carry on.

• Is Gwyneth Paltrow with child again? If true, congrats! And welcome, little Pomegranate Martin!

• Lara Flynn Boyle's lips just keep getting more blown up. That's bad. But the rest of her anatomy is blowing up too, and that's good. Food is nice. And see-through dresses? Also nice.

• Ghandi is the new Kabbalah! Not only did Tara Reid's tit shoot the wizened old fossil, his teachings are comforting Jennifer Aniston in her time of need. Sorry, Vince Vaughn: apparently, Jen finds nonviolence and the wearing of loosely-draped diapers far sexier than the likes of you, champ.

• Jennifer Garner is having a baby girl. We guess that means Ben Affleck is having a baby girl, too. We have no opinion in regards to this information, so do with it what you like.

• Courtney Love: dosed with acid at age four! Therapy at six! Porno at nine! Swearing off letting homeless men suck her cans outside of Wendy's! Stars: they're just like US! Only not. At all.

• Damage control spins into overdrive! After being dropped as the face of Chanel, H&M, et al, Kate Moss has checked her bony ass into rehab. With the stink of scandal wafting off her, Moss will be lucky if she can land a deal as the face of Generra or Fashion Bug now.  

• We've been warning you for weeks now, but the day is upon us: the ill-famed Tom Sizemore sex tape is now available for your online perusal. It's here, it's real. Live it, love it, own it.

• Are Sienna and Jude finito for good? Reportedly, she's told him to take his little kitty dick and shove it. Forever.

• Crepey, arthritic, doddering geezers take note: yes, you have a shot with Jessica Alba!

• Yesterday, we were told that Eminem was cancelling his tour due to Exhaustion. Which means "drugs" or "eating disorder". Today, the former is confirmed.

• The first time Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell had sex, it was an alarming experience. Alarming! Guffaw!

• Are you there, Miss Cleo? It's me, Jennifer Aniston.

• Listen, we know Coq Rock. Coq Rock was a friend of ours. Slipknot, you're no Coq Rock.

• For the aging celebrity pedophile who has everything: a detachable nose.