• Hilary Duff has dropped her older emo craprocker lover with MySpace hair.

• She's also dropped the lower 2 inches off those much-maligned veneers. Neiggggh!

• J. Lo can't seem to make a baby. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that her husband is a reanimated corpse. That was mean.

• In this crazy age of full-on spread pink Britney labia in our faces, it's kind of refreshing and titillating to see a lady in a bikini. Good on ya, Kelly Brook.

• Rihanna, on the other hand, is taking a page from the Merry Divorcée and serving up lippage.

• Britney has mysteriously pulled out of planned joint Billboard Awards hosting duties, leaving Paris to go it solo. That marks the very first time you've ever heard "Britney" and "pulled out" in the same sentence.

• Borat blamed for the Pam Anderson-Kid Rock split. In related news, Borat causes global warming, racial profiling was Borat's idea, and Borat sold all that vodka to Mel Gibson.

• Note to Snoop: YOU HAVE MONEY. HIRE SOMEONE TO CARRY YOUR DRUGS AND GUNS FOR YOU.

 

Jennifer Lopez being "hopping mad" is nothing new. When her personal trailers on movie sets are scented of freesia instead of the orange clove/blonde woods combo she craves, she is known to pitch a Mariah Carey sized conniption. The latest thing to cause J. Lo to J. Blow her lid is the fact that she will be parodied in a porno. Uhhh, personally, we don't see why that would be a reason for disgust--having your own porn tribute means you've made it! That, and being immortalized in song by Weird Al. And since Jen's already been namechecked in his song "Couch Potato", she's got nowhere to go but down from here.  

• Matthew Broderick appears to have injured himself after falling off his wife.

• J. Lo es no preggo. "She is 100% not pregnant," says a rep, however, she is still 93% annoying.

• Tara Reid getting cockblocked from Hyde while Paris breezes right in = funny. The fact that the hottest club catering to young Hollywood is ironically blasting Kenny Loggins's "Footloose" = funnier.

• Lindsay Lohan changes her damn bikini almost as often as she changes her men.

• And speaking of Lindsay's wardrobe choices, she seems to have ditched the Kate Moss look and adopted a new fashion idol. The billowing, shapeless drawstring romper, the torpedo nips, the questionable footwear, the long, chalky black hair and the latte in hand . . . it's Britney all over again.

• Brad Pitt's parents were offended when, at Maddox Jolie-Pitt's birthday party, the elder Pitts were "the only ones not drinking." Including the 4-year-olds?

• Get Saved by the Buns when Mario Lopez (A.C. Slater) gets naked and homoerotic for Nip/Tuck.

• That Eminem boy has playdate with the little Girl Next Door, acts out, gets sent to the corner for a time out.

• Paris Hilton has been cast in a movie called The Hottie and the Nottie but keeps giving the thumbs down to potential leading men. An insider says, "A few [actors] have made it to a screen test with Paris but either the producers aren't happy or, more often, Paris has a problem with them. She is as picky with the men in her movies as she is in real life." AKA "not at all".  

Hey all you thirteen-year-old girls who check out CelebNewsWire every day for the latest in celebrity nip slips and upskirts, put down your Bratz dolls and your Nintendogs, 'cause we've got a treat for you. And he goes by the name Jesse McCartney. Sure, he's talking about the state of Jennifer Lopez's womb, but still, we'll probably never mention him again, unless he turns out to have a secret sex tape with a cast member of Laguna Beach or one of the Olsens or something, so enjoy.  

• Jessica Simpson has lost the part of Lucy Ewing in the upcoming Dallas movie because movie bosses are concerned she'd out-diva the biggest diva on the set, John Travolta. Oooops, we meant to say Jennifer Lopez. Did we really say "John Travolta"? How silly of us.

• So who ended up winning that coveted Lucy Ewing role? Katie Cassidy, daughter of Partridge Family teen dreamboat David. Pictures here. "Rock Heiress". That's funny.

• Mischa Barton on the beach, in a bikini. New! Improved! Now with 100% less Nicole Richie!

• Gwyneth Paltrow is "cutting" some "hot tracks" in the studio, possibly for an album. Nothing could ever top the bunny-soft, bun-numbing pap-rock track "Cruisin'" she recorded with Huey Lewis. Why bother?

• Star Jones: FIRED from The View! Barbara Walters: BETRAYED! Joy Behar: GLEEFUL! Al Reynolds: Gay as a garden party! Us: bored and hungry. You got any Pop Tarts or Li'l Hugs?

• Jessica Simpson's new video involves Christina Applegate, Christina Milian, Eva Longoria, a terry-cloth romper, and roller skates. Sweet, it's just like the Dire Straits "Skateaway" video, only with famous broads. Yayyyy!

• Britney: evil purple sea witch? Yes.

• Well, Kate Beckinsale and her husband certainly look very together, after all.

• Lindsay says, "I did not have sexual intercourse with . . . that man. Mr. McFly."

• Someone stop Sharon Stone before she adopts again!  

• FemaleFirst reports that Nicole Kidman used "the F-word". Oh, but they meant "fiancé!" Awwwww, ha ha ha ha, that was so clever! You really had us going there, FemaleFirst!

• Debra Wilson from Mad TV shows off her comedic chops. And by "comedic chops" we mean "tits".

• Barbra Streisand gets on the guest list at your local Loews.

• Carmen Electra hates herself for lovin' Joan Jett. Can't break free from the things that she . . . doan . . . dett? Eh, we suck.

• Janice Dickinson: genius of our time.

• Elle MacPherson loves to have loads and loads of casual sex. Just not with you. You fat loser.

• Light-filled goddess from heaven Mandy Moore denies cherry-poppage at the hands and wang of Fez. Wouldn't you?

• Is J. Lo preg. o?

• Speaking of cherries, The Virgin Adriana Lima is a punchy little firecracker. We got a little something that would chill her right out. Yeeeeah, that's right. A little somethin' in our pants, if you dig what we're saying. It's a packet of chamomile tea and a fizzy bath bomb in our pocket. They're great for de-stressing!  

With the obvious exception of Fergie and others of her urine-stained, hatchet-faced ilk, we're trying to get away from ragging on celebrities' looks. It's one thing to knock someone for wearing white shoes after Labor Day or getting Meg Ryan lips, but if someone's gained a few or has jug ears, who are we to judge? However, we do feel compelled to point out Jennifer Lopez's obvious gray roots:

This is a woman famous for, like, bathing in $7 million/oz. anti-aging pegasus semen, and yet she attends an awards show sporting an inch and a half of Clooney gray? Tsk!  

• Mariah Carey ensures that she will never receive a free Chanel dress ever again.

• Why, hello, M&Ms stuck in Jennifer Lopez's dress. Nice to see you.

• Speaking of small round candies and boobs . . .

• Beyonce once jiggled her jelly so damn hard that her entire dress fell off. Guess she didn't see that ragtag group of young men with oversized novelty magnets who sewed her garment with metal thread.

• Lindsay Lohan dresses up as Diane Keaton, Liza Minnelli, and Liz Taylor. Gay male plotzing TK.

• Tom Sizemore has been sent back to rehab. Also, the sun rose today.

• Ya can't shine shit: MK and Ashley Olsen are all gussied up and shilling for Badgley Mischka. Funny how chimpanzees in $5,000 frocks are still chimpanzees.

• Britney took her baby Sean to the emergency room because he was constipated. Now, we're no Dr. Spock or nuthin', but maybe, just maybe, if she stopped giving him tubes of nacho bacon E-Z Cheez in lieu of bottles, this wouldn't happen.

• And maybe Brit should lay off the aerosol delicacies herself.

• Poor Nikki Cox learns that when you agree to marry a professional guest star, you lose your livelihood. And your breasts.

• PETA activists threw flour on Paris Hilton as she entered a London fashion week party. They then battered and deep-fried her and enjoyed her with some honey BBQ dippin' sauce. Just kidding, that's not vegan.  

If you looked like a carved apple that had been left out in the sun or that priest who fondled our privates in 1978 and told us that Jesus would never forgive us if we told, you wouldn't want your wife kissing all over some male model. And that's exactly why Marc Anthony had to raise his squeaky little voice and tell Jennifer Lopez, "Hell no, bitch!"  

• According to PerezHilton.com, Rose McGowan was arrested last night at the T-Mobile party in Hollywood. He won't say why, but there are little Photoshopped white granules gently marching up her nose in the picture. Does she have really bad allergies? Was she doing some particularly dusty drywall work? Seriously, can someone help us decipher this cryptic clue?

• Britney reportedly has post-partum depression after turding out baby Sean Federspears. Blah blah Tom Cruise blah blah blah blah.

• J. Lo-Anthony to show a little spare tire for the upcoming Pirelli calendar, alongside disco dust martyr Kate Moss.

• Possibly old, possibly not even Paris Hilton, but there's an ass, a boat, another naked girl, and no Tom Sizemore in sight.

• And for David Copperfield's next trick, he'll impregnate a woman onstage without touching her. Blah blah Tom Cruise blah blah blah Katie Holmes blah.

• Angelina and Brad are betrothed?

• First picture of the offspring of Seal and Heidi Klum is available, and little Henry sure is . . . he's really . . . he's quite . . . he's, uh, got a nice head of hair.

• Bono says he always wears sunglasses because "My eyes are very sensitive to light. Also, I'm a humungously pretentious douchelord."

 

Apparently, Jennifer Lopez really, really likes it when people comment on her large buttocks, so please be sure to approach her and tell her just how much you enjoy her protruding yet peculiarly firm and honestly kind of biteable ass the next time you see her out and about. You know, the next time she shows up at your studio apartment to watch your torrented copy of Spanglish and eat a Totino's Party Pizza on your futon. Hahahahahahaha. Loser.  

• In case Paris Hilton's nipples weren't enough for you the first one thousand and eight times, here's more.

• No, no one is shocked by Kate Moss's boogar sugar use, but still, repercussions. Don't fire Kate, fancy fashion people! Don't force little Lila Grace to wear last season's Burberry!

• Looks like Jude and Sienna may be back on. CoughBABYcough.

• Debra Messing consults her nip-oracle for post-Will and Grace career advice.

• Ewan McGregor gets his dong sucked.

• Jennifer Lopez is a barbarian. She will skin an animal with her bare hands, slap its bloodied hide on her back, and then beat you with your own prosthetic leg. This story made us laugh, because we are dark and cold and bad inside.

• And because we were too lazy to post it yesterday, here it is: Prez Bush forges a bathroom pass.  

We usually don’t care about who is or isn’t crapping out babies. More infants just means more double-wide strollers taking up the sidewalk and getting in between us and our coffee run. But when the womb in question belongs to a super-famous celebrity and the baby could possibly be named something like Sunrise Bubblegum, we listen for any sign of impregnation. And Jennifer Lopez has graciously given us one of those signs.  

Jennifer is sad. And for once we’re not talking about Jennifer Aniston. Rather Jennifer Lopez got bummed the fuck out when a reporter for Elle magazine asked her about Ben Affleck’s new marriage and incubating spawn.  

We all know that Jennifer Lopez is the farthest thing from a diva. She’s just misunderstood and really has the interests of the little people at heart. When you thought you heard her say, “Bring me some coffee, bitch, or I’ll slaughter your first born,” what you really heard was, “Please, gov’nor, may I have some coffee? I’d be ever so obliged.”  

Politics can be a confusing and frustrating thing, but it could always be worse. Jennifer Lopez could be President of the United States.  

It's official: Jennifer Lopez's latest album, Rebirth, has barely sold 400,000 copies, making it a bona fide dog biscuit. To deflect attention from the poor sales, Lopez recently blinded onlookers with her wide gluteal plateau, clad in a white bikini. Shock and awe!

The lack of juicy gossip this week has reduced us to Jay Leno-level "J. Lo has a fat butt! Am I right or am I right, people?" jokes. We apologize.  

J. Lo's big fat ass has been the muse of many an artistic dilettante. We've seen it ensconced in the finest fashions from Milan and Paree, jiggling hypnotically in our faces via aesthetically stunning music videos, heard it praised joyously in song. But her husband Marc Anthony knows that oil paint is the greatest medium in which to celebrate those twin globules of loin flesh.  

That Jennifer Lopez is such a martyr. Really. She's given up so much. And all for the love of art. Now she's giving up her tremendous acting potential because the draw of song and dance is just too damn powerful. Seriously people, she could have been Meryl Streep. Some fat rich guy in a suit even said so.  

Cher called Britney Spears and Jennifer Lopez "hos"! We're tellin'! MOOOOOMMMMM!  

For years, the public has been obsessed with the size of Jennifer Lopez's ass. We marvel at it, we dissect the waxing and waning of its vastness, we dedicate VH1 shows to it. But the squaw of Anthony has been acting a little funny lately, so we finally tear our eyes away from her posterior and focus them firmly on her uterus.  

Poor Marc Anthony. Not only is he married to the most high-maintenance woman in the world, she won't even let him pick out his own panties.  

At a mere crawling, drooling six months of age, the marriage of oft-betrothed J. Lo and her scary singer spouse Marc Anthony appears to be on the rocks. This comes as no surprise -- J. Lo's relationships are counted in dog years, so the 7 year itch is setting in.