Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn have broken up. And so have Nicole Richie and that one guy. He's like the son of some famous guy who, like, did the luge or synchronized swimming at the Olympics or something. He dated that girl from that show that's like The O.C. only "real"? C'mon, he's tall, has dark hair, wears shirts? You know the one.  

From the mind and hands of the man who brought us the magnificent, hair-raising artistic works "Britney Spears Births Sean Preston" and "Suri Cruise's First Turd" comes a new sculpture depicting Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt, and Angelina Jolie engaged in a threesome. The piece will be lovingly cast in bronze, because you just can't capture the teeth-gritted expression hatefucking brings about with marble or clay.  

• Suri No Middle Name Cruise pictures might finally appear soon . . . in Vanity Fair! Hopefully on the cover, wrapped in swaddling clothes, using Scarlett Johansson's ass crack as a manger.

• Bryce Dallas Howard is baking up a big batch of baby.

• Kate Bosworth ate! Ate cigarettes, water, and lettuce. Baby steps, people.

• Pam from The Office becomes Pam from The Duff-ass.

• When Janet Jackson wants her water cold, she wants her water cold, dammit. Also, yes, she did feel that pea placed under her 12 mattresses last night.

• Newly-separated Dave Navarro is dating newly-separated Jenna Jameson. And she's now #1 on his MySpace Top 8, so you know it's love.

• Jen and Vince: engaged! Whhheeeeeeee! Yayyyyy! Whoooo! Who gives a crap! All riiiiight!

• Robin Williams is in rehab. Body hair rehab, we hope.

• Sienna Miller dons dirty pink cowboy boots, a wedding dress, a red Cleopatra wig, and an exposed upskirt cotton panty look. Indeed, she is truly the fashion icon of our time.  

Jennifer Aniston has called off the wedding we didn't know she was having. Is it possible that she was once again the victim of the second-biggest Hollywood dick affliction (after Syphilis): co-star cheating? That must be it. Vince Vaughn had an affair with the co-star of his latest movie, Jennifer Aniston. Wait, WTF?  

Your average girl would feel a little awkward walking around buck naked in front of her boyfriend's parents. Add in a team of movie cameras witnessing the strip down, and you've got a terrifying situation. Unless you're Jennifer Aniston. Then you say, "Yeah, sure, your parents can get a good look at my ass. And why don't you invite the family dog and your ten-year-old cousin and your high-school lunch lady. Hey everybody, look at my ass!"  

Just one day after we complained that Jennifer Aniston's recent sartorial choices have been making us hit the Zoloft like Kirstie Alley at the Ponderosa sundae bar, she goes and wears color. And not just any color: teal! She could have eased into it with some pastels, maybe the faintest hint of pink or baby blue, but girl went for it. And do you notice something else on Jen that we haven't seen in a while? That's right: a smile. We think the two are connected. And we think that our cry of concern may have been the turning point. We'll expect forthcoming Us Weekly articles asking "Why Is Jen So Happy?"  

• Vida Guerra displays her ripe rump for mateworthy males in Playboy.

• Daryl Hannah "arrested for farm protest"? What the . . . ? What kind of sick person protests farming?

• Ashlee Simpson's in the new issue of Marie Claire talking about how women should embrace themselves no matter what size or shape and love their flaws. Accompanied by a nice pictorial spread of her showing off her new rhinoplasty, collagen-infused lips, and cantaloupe diet waistline.

• The other day, Britney, Kevin and Federspears the Younger were photographed together for the first time since March. Oh, they're definitely a loving couple fully committed to one another. We're convinced now.

• Paris and Lindsay fight over Stamos Nachos. They just can't get enough of his warm, cheesy goodness.

• Heather Mills McCartney, soon to be defrocked and downgraded to "Just Plain Heather Mills but a $200 million richer Heather Mills so f u very much", makes viewers sing, "Hey Boob/Don't be a prude/Take some naked pics/And make wangs bigger".

• Some kids like football, some kids like video games, some kids like Legos. Pam Anderson's sons' favorite toy is her stripper pole.

• Brittany Murphy may be tinier than a baby flea, but her rack can compete with the best of them.

• You know what isn't tiny? Screech from Saved by the Bell's weenis.

• Jennifer Aniston's got pokies. And she knows how to use 'em.  

Usually when a girl's husband cheats on her and she's suddenly single and needs a good rogering, she finds some hot asshole with whom she can barely carry on a conversation but who gets the job done. And it doesn't matter if he's a total prick who calls her fat to her face, because once she's had a good bout of rebound sex she never has to see him again. But in Jennifer Aniston's case, she just kept on dating the guy.  

Yesterday we brought you the glorious news that Jennifer Aniston's twin gluteus globules had a walk-on role in all their Zone Dieted, Pilatefied glory in tomorrow's new release, The Break-Up. Today, she reveals that not only did she totally show her ass, she liked it, that filthy little minx.  

It's been a long time (since Mischa Barton in The OH in Ohio, wethinks) since we've been able to send Quasimodo up the tower to ring the Bell of Boobs, heralding a new movie in which an A-list actress shows a private part or three. But hear ye, hear ye, Jennifer Aniston's actually given audiences one reason to see the critically skewered The Break-Up.  

Nipples here! Step right up and get your nipples here! We've got nipples. They're slipping, they're poking, they're outright busting. Come one, come all and see our amazing array of specialty nipples. We've got pink ones, we've got brown ones, we've got large ones, we've got small ones. There's something for everyone. Nipples here!  

• Jennifer Aniston is moving to Chicago. We can't wait to run into her in the health and beauty aisle at Jewel!

• Piper Perabo lowers herself to date former pill-popper/Friends friend Matthew Perry. Move over TomKat and Brangelina, here's . . . Pipthew Perrybo?

• Our #1 deity, Mariah Carey, teams up with Snoop, shoots a video, mounts a mesa of Vuitton luggage, wears very little clothing.

• Salma Hayek chortles when confronted with Colin Farrell's weenis. Understandable.

• Portman pokies, redux!

• If your daughter were Tori Spelling, wouldn't you sue her too? Just for fun?

• K-Fed hates the Pavarotti, loves his kids and wife, raps about it in hot new tune on MySpace. This one's for the haters. Fuck the media.

• Pink's special surprise for her husband is reportedly a "12ft pole to be erected in her dressing room". But the bigger surprise is that said pole is being erected in her pants! Because she's a man, see.

• Aerosmith's Steven Tyler is about to undergo surgery for an "undisclosed medical condition". Lip reduction? Eyeliner tattoos? Scarfectomy?  

Would you be shocked to find out that Jennifer Aniston isn't a woman who has conquered the world with nothing but God-given talent, a humane spirit, and the desire to treat the world's people kindly? Then read on and be prepared to have your world view challenged.  

You know the things you would do to Angelina Jolie if you ever found her lunching at the Cracker Barrel down the street from the factory where you work? If you were a Jennifer Aniston fan you'd want to smear mashed potatoes in her face and give her a good spanking. Actually that's probably not far off from what you were thinking.  

• Kelly Osbourne thinks Paris Hilton inspires parents to dress their children like hookers. Would she rather the children of the world take fashion cues from her?


• Is Liz Hurley all knocked up again? Does anyone care?

• Nicky Hilton calls Mischa Barton a "fat pig". Huh. Maybe she meant "stuck pig"?

• Remember those Lisa Loeb thong shots we showed you yesterday? Of course you do. Well, now you can see those pictures move! It's called "the talkies", which translates to "motile ass".

• Jodie "Stephanie Tanner" Sweetin was a meth head, but she's since Cut! It! Out!

• Oh, speaking of thongs, flash leads to a see-through dress in Alyssa Milanoland.

• Egotastic!'s got the poop scoop on what's really going down betwixt Sienna Miller and Darth Vader. It's considerably less sexy than previously thought.

• Tyra Banks rocks the pit stubble. Fierce!!!

• Quote of the year: "If you're going to be raped in a movie, it may as well be Vincent Cassel." Oh, Jennifer Aniston, you are so terribly high-larious.

• Oh yeah, Oscar nominees.

• Tom Cruise's next potential film project will be a "contemporary romance". We have a good idea for a romantic film! Boy divorces girl, elders at boy's cult pay new girl to perpetrate like she's dating boy, boy jumps on furniture, cult elders impregnate girl with mythical animal-human hybrid, and . . . aw, never mind. Nobody would buy it.  

Do you remember yesterday? We brought you news of the Colin Farrell sex tape that briefly hit the internet and Lindsay Lohan calling a respected Vanity Fair writer a big stinkin' liar. And there was something else. It was so long ago we can't quite remember. Oh, right, that's it. Angelina Jolie was all knocked up 'n' shit. Those were good times, weren't they? There'll never be another day quite like it. And it just kept on getting better when Brad Pitt finally opened his publicist's relationship-denying mouth and confirmed his virility.  

• Christina Applegate's husband of four years, Jonathan Schaech, has filed for divorce. We looked him up on IMDb to see what he's done recently, only to find that he's been tapped to play Dalton in the sequel to Road House! Christina, are you crazy? You don't incur the wrath of James Dalton. He will rip your throat the hell out with his bare hands!

• Sienna Miller seems to be canoodling with everyone these days. Leo DiCaprio seems to be canoodling with everyone these days. Thus, it was only natural that these two master canoodlers would eventually canoodle their way into each other's cozy, canoodly arms.

• The photog who snapped the now infamous but as yet unseen topless photos of Jen Aniston speaks! And he drops a juicy little nugget in the process. Mee-yow!

• You know Eminem's ex-wife, Kim? The one he's threatened to murder? The one who's been jailed several times and was thrown out of rehab for blowing a teenage patient? Well, they're going to remarry. Now that's a terrific idea.

• Although Lindsay Lohan was struck down with food poisoning and unable to make it to her scheduled Regis and Kelly appearance, she looked fit as a fiddle a few hours later on TRL. It's a Christmas miracle!

• You'll get sprong for Famke Janssen's thong. Yeah, that was dumb. Like you could do better? Jerk.

• Brad Pitt faces a long hard road when it comes to adopting Angelina's wee babes . . . unless he marries her. My, how positively convenient.

• Mariah's wearing clams on her boobs, which kind of makes you wonder what she might be wearing on her clam.  

If you happen to find yourself a mile away from Jennifer Aniston's home, do not break out the very strong and sensitive telephoto lens. And if you do take out the lens, do not use it to spy on Jen changing shirts in the privacy of her own home. And if you do spy her nips, do not snap pictures. But if by chance you do take a few photos, please do not develop them. But if you happen to accidentally develop them, do not sell them to tabloids. Because if you sell them to tabloids, Jen will sue your ass. And set you on fire!  

• Hepatitis A, Matt Damon, thongless male-on-male mud wrestling, and golden showers. We're not talking about Ben Affleck's bachelor party, we're talking about a Steven Soderbergh joint!

• Britney might be ready to finally get rid of those 170 extra pounds of ugly, useless flab. AKA, divorcing K-Fed.

• Or, she might be ready to accept a few more of his cornrowed sperms and bake another baby, because according to the oracle, it is written. Specifically, she's predicted to "fall pregnant", which sounds as if she's about to befall a hideous malady. Which is not too far off the mark, really.

• But who gives a crap, let's just look at Britney's pointy Spears, unfettered by brassieres. Hey, that rhymed.

• Madonna took it for a spin. It inspired Carmen Electra to bellow racial epithets. That's right, little ones--it's Dennis Rodman's rod, man (NSFW).

• Paris Hilton and the Jolly Greek Giant are still relaxing in the warm, bubbling hot tub of amorous rapture despite nasty rumors to the contrary and Baby Luv the Monkey's diabolical plot to tear them apart.

• Jennifer Aniston has been named GQ's (Wo)Man of the Year, along with her rumored beau Vince Vaughn and rapper 50 Cent. So, in order to be a major magazine's people of the year, all you have to do is A. have your husband divorce you after upgrading to a better model, B. bang aforementioned divorcée, or C. have Pittsburghers shoot each other during a screening of your movie. Oh man, we totally have next year's title in the bag!  

Again, all you have to do is hold your thumb over that pesky last word. WENN/IMDb headline writers are a devilish bunch.  

Way to go, Jennifer Aniston. Just yesterday you were telling us about how you got smacked around and beaten up while filming a recent sex scene, and today you're telling us how much you love it. And how much you love movie sex in general. You're finally coming out of your shell, Jen. Before you know it you'll be showing that tramp Angelina that you can steal a husband just as well as she can.  

Remember that scary w.t. girl named Tammy in your ninth grade class who would smoke menthols in the girls' can , reapplying her lavender Aziza eyeliner and hiking up her Palmetto miniskirt to show off the bruises she got from her boyfriend Travis's love of overly vigorous premarital sex? Yeah, that's pretty much Jennifer Aniston right now.  

If any of you are in the vicinity of Angelina Jolie on this fine day (perhaps because you are a sick loser and spend your day rooting through her trash cans in hopes that she maybe threw out a pair of used panties or something) do not let her look at any celebrity gossip. She will be pissed that Jennifer Aniston was kissing all over Vince Vaughn in public and stealing her hot and sexually satisfied spotlight.  

The sizzling romance between Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn heats up in the Windy City, while Oscar-winning legend Al Pacino's been spotted in Canoodle City with not-so-Fat Actress Kirstie Alley! LOL!

Whew. Sorry. We're practicing for our big Pat O'Brien Halloween costume. (We've already got the hookers and coke part down pat).  

• The fatcats behind Jessica Alba's recent movies have messed with perfection. They must pay. Oh, wait, they made her boobs BIGGER? Oh. Carry on.

• Is Gwyneth Paltrow with child again? If true, congrats! And welcome, little Pomegranate Martin!

• Lara Flynn Boyle's lips just keep getting more blown up. That's bad. But the rest of her anatomy is blowing up too, and that's good. Food is nice. And see-through dresses? Also nice.

• Ghandi is the new Kabbalah! Not only did Tara Reid's tit shoot the wizened old fossil, his teachings are comforting Jennifer Aniston in her time of need. Sorry, Vince Vaughn: apparently, Jen finds nonviolence and the wearing of loosely-draped diapers far sexier than the likes of you, champ.

• Jennifer Garner is having a baby girl. We guess that means Ben Affleck is having a baby girl, too. We have no opinion in regards to this information, so do with it what you like.

• Courtney Love: dosed with acid at age four! Therapy at six! Porno at nine! Swearing off letting homeless men suck her cans outside of Wendy's! Stars: they're just like US! Only not. At all.

• Damage control spins into overdrive! After being dropped as the face of Chanel, H&M, et al, Kate Moss has checked her bony ass into rehab. With the stink of scandal wafting off her, Moss will be lucky if she can land a deal as the face of Generra or Fashion Bug now.  

Amongst today's hottest young celebs, talking about your clam-jousting fantasies is the new talking about how you want to adopt a cute orphan from one of those icky far-off lands. But honestly, these two things are not so different--it's not like said starlets are actually gonna do either.  

It’s finally over, people. Pack up the kids and run for hills, because not one single, solitary person on earth will ever believe in the institution of marriage ever again. Society will soon degenerate into a non-stop sex fest between anonymous beautiful people, with the ugly fuckers left in the corner to wither up and die. The divorce between Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston has been finalized.  

~RARE~ OOP JENNIFER ANISTON PANTIES NR L@@K!  

• We've been warning you for weeks now, but the day is upon us: the ill-famed Tom Sizemore sex tape is now available for your online perusal. It's here, it's real. Live it, love it, own it.

• Are Sienna and Jude finito for good? Reportedly, she's told him to take his little kitty dick and shove it. Forever.

• Crepey, arthritic, doddering geezers take note: yes, you have a shot with Jessica Alba!

• Yesterday, we were told that Eminem was cancelling his tour due to Exhaustion. Which means "drugs" or "eating disorder". Today, the former is confirmed.

• The first time Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell had sex, it was an alarming experience. Alarming! Guffaw!

• Are you there, Miss Cleo? It's me, Jennifer Aniston.

• Listen, we know Coq Rock. Coq Rock was a friend of ours. Slipknot, you're no Coq Rock.

• For the aging celebrity pedophile who has everything: a detachable nose.

 

• Jennifer Aniston collapses on movie set, pregnancy rumors sure to follow.

• We previously reported that The Lady Federline was about to pose nude and el preggo on the cover of Vanity Fair. As it turns out, she's not. Her burgeoning bump has grown to such gargantuan proportions that they'd have to spring for a foldout.

• Hurry! Empty your bank account and place all celebrity death pool bets on Zsa Zsa Gabor, pronto!

• Drew Barrymore forced to gently care for eight peckers.

• Because we hate ourselves and can only bolster our fragile self-esteem by mocking others, please enjoy Sky's "Stars Looking Rough".

• First Neneh Cherry, now Daryl Hall . . . why are our best and brightest being struck down with Lyme disease? It's a deer tick conspiracy.

• It's Crazy Eddie's 24-Hour, 24 star liquidation sale! Our prices are crrrrazy! We've got Elisha Cuthberts on sale for the low, low price of $47! Act now, and we'll throw in a couple of Keifers at no extra cost!