• Kirsten Dunst's teatlets meet a lace-paneled dress, peekaboo nippage ensues. The pictures are old, but so are you, geezer.

• John Mayer and Jessica Simpson are together again, naturally. Even though they say they weren't together in the first place. But they are now. Probably. Eh.

• Well, we had the dubious honor of viewing the Screech sex tape yesterday. What can we say about it? He refers to himself in the third person, as "the D Man", he is more interested in the various edibles the ladies have around their hotel room than their vaginas, and the first 15 minutes consist of Dustin and his lady in a bubble bath, discussing the finer points of 24. Fleshbot has their own review. And screencaps.

• Agent Scully had a baby! And despite her insistence that the child was sired by boyfriend Clyde Klotz, her ex-husband Julian Ozanne is demanding a paternity test. So we can find out it's half-alien. And then Mulder will watch porn and there will be sexual tension, etc.

• Australian Holly Valance's nipple boomerangs out of her swimsuit. Crikey!

• Keira Knightley is engaged to her actor arm candy Rupert Friend. Can you imagine calling up your parents and saying, "Mom, Dad, I am going to be Mrs. Rupert Friend"? And then your parents would howl with laughter and say, "Sure, and I'm about to marry Nigel Sparkleshowers! Ahahahaha! His best man will be Cecil Rhys-Babybunnybottom! Hahahahaha!"

• Penelope Cruz half naked for Pirelli. Why are you still reading this?

• Janet Jackson has made whoopee on a plane. In her seat. Surrounded by passengers. And peanuts. And crying babies. And manhandled issues of Flight magazine. And the heady stench of impeding fiery death. Anyone else have a boner right now?

• Will Smith says that he and Jada are homeschooling their children, because history and dates aren't important, and anything of consequence you need to know, like for example how to fly a space shuttle, can be found in books. So if you see a couple of confused children wandering around Hollywood, scratching their asses and crying because they don't know how to find bus fare or talk to non-Cruises, but do know how to commandeer a submarine, they would be the Smith progeny.  

In case the 7,534,115 interviews about her dramatic! weight! loss! and the 53,499,302 magazine spreads of her cupping her choco-beans didn't clue you in, Janet Jackson is back, people! And in her new video for "So Excited", she proves she's back by . . . showing off her dramatic weight loss and cupping her breasts! However, she might also, possibly, maybe, be slipping a hint of nip as well. Whip out your reading glasses, jeweler's loupe, and protractor, because after the cut, we have exclusive pics.  

In today's very special edition of shit you've seen a million times before we will be featuring the nipple-slipping stylings of Pam "Mrs. Kid Rock" Anderson and another version of Janet Jackson's niche specialty, showing off her bazooms while conspicuously covering the nipples--cause she's a modest lady, after all.  

• Janet Jackson says that her sex life was great when she was fat, and that her Ewok lover Jermaine Dupri would "grab me, pull me around the stomach, look me in the eyes and say, 'This needs love too!'" And then he'd gently insert his penis into her stomach folds.

• Britney Spears reportedly had a tummy tuck following the birth of SPFsquared. Slowly inching closer and closer to Tara Reid territory (Taratory?).

• Little Aaron Carter is engaged! To a Playboy Playmate! Presumeably, his pneumatic bride-to-be has seen AARON CARTER SHIRTLESS.

• Safely ogle Kelly Brook in her underwear from the comfort of your own home, free from fear of retaliation at the hands of your friend Billy Zane.

• Lindsay Lohan is looking to move to England, most likely because the English are the only people who can drink her under the table.

• Jackass Steve-O tells us, in great detail, about the time he masturbated onto Nicole Richie's back. And then her semi-exposed spinal column recognized the protein content of the expelled liquid and, revolted at the idea of nourishment, quickly whipped the offending substance away from Richie's person.

• Courtney Love and Whitney Houston: not only are they recovering substance abusers, they both have names that end in -tney! BFFs!

• Paris takes advantage of Lindsay Lohan's absence; flirts with Harry Morton. When the exposed pussy lips are away, the skank will play.

• Asia Argento turns 31 today, and celebrates by picking G-string bikini bottoms out of her anus. Mazel tov!  

• Brittany Murphy has ended her engagement to best boy/grip Joe Macaluso. Brittany, do you actually think you're going to be able to do better? He's the BEST boy, for Christ's sake!

• "Kevin Federline mauled by rap community." God, if only that headline were literal.

• Janet Jackson says that fiancé Jermaine Dupri sexually takes her to places she's never been before. Oh, like the Ewok Village? Get it? Cuz he's short.

• Proving you can never have too much of a good thing: even more pictures of the expansive side of Lindsay Lohan's enormous, speckled breast.

• And Lindsay's dad is quite the little Jim Davis, taking pen to paper and cartooning the demons pulling his daughter from his fatherly embrace. Impressive, but we would have drawn Lindsay crying "ACK!" and holding a bikini on a hanger to illustrate her body-image issues.

• A devious, scrawny mammal that steals sneakily, and Kevin Federline. One and the same, friends, but which one has more facial hair?

• Britney angrily refused to allow Jessica Simpson to kiss her pregnant belly, which is the first smart thing Britney's done, child-rearing-wise. Perhaps she didn't want to risk having her fetus get poisoned by toxic, cupcake-scented plumping gloss.

• Beyonce and Jay-Z are planning a $3 million wedding. Bet the courtesy gift bag will be fabulous!

• Jessica Simpson is now hawking hairpieces. What is she, a Mandrell?  

We were fairly excited when we saw the headline "Justin Timberlake defends Jackson boob" over at our gossip schoolmarm, FemaleFirst. "Not only has JT resorted to bragging about his totally super badass drug use to sell records," we thought, "he's actually supporting Michael Jackson, boob that he is." But no, he's just dredging up that old Janet Jackson Superbowl titty scandal and milking it yet again. Milking. Titty.  

If you purchase a Bentley, you are going to go out and you are going to drive the shit out of it in front of as many people as possible. You are not going to be like Cameron Frye's dad and hide that thing in a glass garage in the wilds of Chicago's North Shore. Similarly, if you pay a highly regarded personal trainer top dollar to melt away the flab you piled on while stressed about your brother being a kid-toucher, you're gonna show those washboard abs off. Naked. In Vibe magazine. And by "you" we mean "Janet". Miss Rack-son if you're nasty.  

• Suri No Middle Name Cruise pictures might finally appear soon . . . in Vanity Fair! Hopefully on the cover, wrapped in swaddling clothes, using Scarlett Johansson's ass crack as a manger.

• Bryce Dallas Howard is baking up a big batch of baby.

• Kate Bosworth ate! Ate cigarettes, water, and lettuce. Baby steps, people.

• Pam from The Office becomes Pam from The Duff-ass.

• When Janet Jackson wants her water cold, she wants her water cold, dammit. Also, yes, she did feel that pea placed under her 12 mattresses last night.

• Newly-separated Dave Navarro is dating newly-separated Jenna Jameson. And she's now #1 on his MySpace Top 8, so you know it's love.

• Jen and Vince: engaged! Whhheeeeeeee! Yayyyyy! Whoooo! Who gives a crap! All riiiiight!

• Robin Williams is in rehab. Body hair rehab, we hope.

• Sienna Miller dons dirty pink cowboy boots, a wedding dress, a red Cleopatra wig, and an exposed upskirt cotton panty look. Indeed, she is truly the fashion icon of our time.  

Speaking of breasts, if someone could explain Janet Jackson's incomprehensible cleavage to us, we'd really appreciate it. Thanks.

 

• Jermaine Dupri says that his girlfriend Janet Jackson purposely got all lumpy and lardy for an indie film role that fell through. We're totally stealing that excuse.

• Don't fuck with Reese Witherspoon. Unless you're into dying.

• Kate Moss proves that supermodels actually have brains!

• She also proves she has a nipple. Again.

• Heather Locklear allegedly was prompted to file for divorce when she discovered some racy emails and provocative pictures some dame had sent to her husband. Damn you, MySpace!!!

• Denise Richards recently got an AIDS test, her fears reportedly sparked after discovering that now-estranged husband Charlie Sheen paid for an "army of hookers". Soon to be deployed to Iraq?

• In case you were wondering, Fergie is still fergly.

• This guy's Maddox Jolie tattoo actually makes us feel pretty good about the fact that we have Isabella Cruise's face inked on our ass.

• Mandy Moore kissed Sarah Chalke on Scrubs. We're not going to make a joke here, because fake lesbian kisses on the television are serious, serious business.

• Val Kilmer has gotten so terribly corpulent that he actually tried to eat Paris Hilton!

• Luckily, she escaped and was able to safely slip nip yet again.

 

Janet Jackson's broken her silence and is denying the whole DeBarge DeBaby brouhaha; however, now various sites are alleging that Janet may be expecting Ewok beau Jermaine Dupri's baby. Sadly, Rebbie was the only vaguely sane member of the family, and now Janet will have to send this child off to be raised by one of the lesser, battier Jacksons . . . maybe Marlon or Tito. But not Jermaine. That would be way too confusing.  

Janet Jackson allegedly has a secret love child, born from the unholy union between herself and a DeBarge. So where has said child been for the past eighteen years? We're crossing our fingers hoping that it's been stowed safely away in the cocoa globes of Janet's bongo ass, awaiting the day that it will be fully ripened and will spring forth, like Athena from the head of Zeus, and lead us all into a rapturous second wave of extremely hot dance pop.  

We could make some sort of groanworthy, Dad-like "wardrobe malfunction" joke here, but we won't. Even though we just did, by proxy.  

We know that Janet Jackson likes to get married and not tell anyone about it until the divorce papers come. She's done it before. And we know that she has allegedly married lost member of Kris Kross Jermaine Dupri about twelve times by now, but now a bona fide Hollywood executive has said they're married. And we know that Hollywood executives never lie.