Do you wanna hear Kirsten Dunst talk about sex? In public? With Jake Gyllenhaal? Of course you do. Because you have a much stronger stomach than we do and the thought of happening upon a gay cowboy giving it to Kirsten in a public restroom and periodically reaching down around her knees to fondle her breasts is something you can totally handle.  

After being seen together in New York over the weekend looking very couple like, the rumors are flying that Natalie Portman and Jake Gyllenhaal were, like, holding hands and smooching and soooo close to really making babies, I mean seriously, they are so going to prom together.  

• Jake Gyllenhaal has a new beard! And a new girlfriend. So that's . . . two . . . beards. Yeah.

• Ashlee Simpson and her freshly minted honker show some Ash-crack.

• And Jessica Simpson nearly put her dog through the scanner at an airport security checkpoint. In related news, she's still a big dummy.

• Lindsay Lohan still attempting to resurrect 1988 leggings. Next up, LiLo will singlehandedly bring back Fido Dido gear.

• See Kiefer. See Kiefer drink. See Kiefer drink and drop trou.

• Keith Richards may never perform again. Promise?

 

In a desperate attempt to show the world that he really loves chowing down on pussy, Jake Gyllenhaal proves that he's never even seen one of those icky things.



God, Jake, even Lindsay knows that one.  

• Macauley Culkin and That '70s Show's Mila Kunis have been shopping for engagement rings and getting ready to create the dirtiest sounding hyphenated surname ever: Kunis-Culkin. Penis-Cockin'? Pubis-Caulking?

• Kim Raver: nice boob. We mean, shirt.

• PopBitch sez: "Jake Gyllenhaal was in London last week to promote Jarhead. He was without on-off love Kirsten Dunst but quickly had another girl in tow, whom he attempted to impress by telling her he'd also shagged Chelsea Clinton." Well, we're impressed. And by "impressed", we mean "the opposite of impressed".

• Listen, Lindsay, you had your moment as Owner of the Best Breasts in Young Hollywood but you blew it, OK? You fucked it up. Put the Sharpie down and back away from the bathroom wall. The tiara has been passed. The tiara has been passed.

• White of teeth and gargantuan of boob, Jenna Jameson ruled the AVN Awards.

• Hey cancer, you can ravage Kylie Minogue's breasts but you will never! Take! That ass!!!

• Cindy Crawford pix! Actually, Cindy Crawford picks.  

We love a good drunk celebrity. They bring joy into our life and reassure us that we are not the only one ending every Friday night in a pool of our own vomit on the bathroom floor. But frankly we’re a little tired of always talking about Tara Reid. The poor girl has been through enough. So thank you, Kirsten Dunst, for stepping up to the booze-soaked plate and saving Tara Reid from our continued torment.  

Usually we don’t really care which celebrities may or may not be crapping out little tykes (Demi Moore’s pregnant; no, she had a miscarriage; no, she’s still pregnant, she just has the gestation period of an elephant), but on a slow gossip day, a young movie star possibly being knocked up is our savior from having to write a story about Rob Schneider proving to his dining companions that he can cram an entire ham sandwich up his ass. (To our knowledge he didn’t actually do this, but if he did we would be sure to bring you up-to-the-minute coverage in between our bouts of vomiting.) So here it is, kids: Kirsten Dunst and Jake Gyllenhaal may be spawning.  

Kirsten Dunst and Jake Gyllenhaal are impossibly attractive. They are wealthy. They don't have to work 9 to 5. They sleep on 5 trillion thread-count sheets. They don't have to clean up their dog's crap. They can languidly rise at 1 P.M., sit around in their jammies, have their personal chefs make them seared tuna with paté, and then spend the rest of the day exploring each other's professionally groomed and scented genitalia. In fact, that's probably what they're doing right now.
So, hey, how's that budget review going?  

What do you suppose Mischa Barton does in her free time? Kicks off her Keds and lets Rachel Bilson give her pedicures? Tries to keep fat-boy-in-training Brandon Davis away from craft services? Bet you never would have guessed that when she's not knocking back margaritas and throwing deck furniture into pools in front of the camera she's reading poetry with Jake Gyllenhaal.  

Lindsay Lohan and Jake Gyllenhaal together? No, no, no. That does not compute. Jake is under 38. And still has a full head of luxurious non-graying tresses. And he's never been divorced. And he's not a dad.  

Jake Gyllenhaal claims he was left battered and bruised after shooting delightfully brutal gay love scenes with Heath Ledger for the upcoming flick, Brokeback Mountain.