• K-Fed is all, "Yo, remember when I did PopoZao? Yo, I was just funnin' y'all. No, surriously. When my REAL shit drops, y'all are gonna go nuts. No, really. PopoZao: just a big ha-ha. I meant to do that. Yo. Yo."

• BREAKING: Hugh Hefner has had sexual intercourse with ladies!!!

• "Elizabeth Hurley See-Through Nipple" does not actually mean that her nipple is transluscent, you realize.

• Hilary Swank tells People that her split from husband Chad "brother of Rob" Lowe was not, in fact, due to her being a huge mega multiple Oscar-winning superstar acting Hollywood juggernaut while he had a few guest spots on CSI: Miami and Medium. It was because he's a druggie. Dun dun DUNNNN!

• Your friend Billy Zane orders his colossally-kanockered girlfriend Kelly Brook to wear only enormous, dowdy underpants. Because he is a bad man.

• Paris Hilton sets sights on passing down the wonkeye gene.

• Kingston Rossdale and Piloh Shitt had a little play date. Ah, yes. Angelina and Brad are already making quite sure that their facially fortunate offspring consorts with only the prettiest peers. Excellent, excellent.

• Our gossip doula, FemaleFirst, agrees with us that Natalie Portman will indeed be naked for real in her next film.

• Keira Knightley says, "I'm not anorexic. But my grandma was. And my great-grandma was. And also, Tracey Gold was."  

Shannon Elizabeth wears tape over her nipples and has a no-nudity clause. Hilary Swank eshews any and all nip shields and will shuck her shirt in the blink of an eye and the whirr of a camera. Guess which one is getting sued by her Neanderthal ex-mate, and which has two Oscars? (Hint: that's a trick question!)  

Blah blah Oscars blah Crash blah gay cowboys blah blah. We watched the Oscars. We were bored silly. We have no follow-up stories to bring you other than the fact that last night, we noticed for the very first time that Hilary Swank is actually Matt Damon in a dress.

 

She's won a couple of shiny statues for straddling that masculine/feminine line but will always be Steve Sanders's unwed-mother girlfriend in our minds. And he got a couple of slightly-less-important statues for pretending to have AIDS on Life Goes On, but we can't think about him without wondering if he's got a hidden copy of his brother's teen-twiddling tape. The really sad thing about the separation of Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe is that the previous two sentences were the most interesting things we could say about them. Welcome to Hollywood's most boring breakup.