• Hilary Duff has dropped her older emo craprocker lover with MySpace hair.

• She's also dropped the lower 2 inches off those much-maligned veneers. Neiggggh!

• J. Lo can't seem to make a baby. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that her husband is a reanimated corpse. That was mean.

• In this crazy age of full-on spread pink Britney labia in our faces, it's kind of refreshing and titillating to see a lady in a bikini. Good on ya, Kelly Brook.

• Rihanna, on the other hand, is taking a page from the Merry Divorcée and serving up lippage.

• Britney has mysteriously pulled out of planned joint Billboard Awards hosting duties, leaving Paris to go it solo. That marks the very first time you've ever heard "Britney" and "pulled out" in the same sentence.

• Borat blamed for the Pam Anderson-Kid Rock split. In related news, Borat causes global warming, racial profiling was Borat's idea, and Borat sold all that vodka to Mel Gibson.

• Note to Snoop: YOU HAVE MONEY. HIRE SOMEONE TO CARRY YOUR DRUGS AND GUNS FOR YOU.

 

We have been known to jest about Hilary Duff in the past. Mr. Ed may have been mentioned, there may have been jokes about a dentist who specializes in implanting novelty teeth into the mouths of women named Hilary (Duff and Swank), disparaging remakes may have been made in regards to Agent Cody Banks or Raise Your Voice. But we do not wish Hilary Duff any bodily or mental harm. We do not enjoy stalkers because every once in a while they turn out to have some follow through like the man who shot that nice girl from My Sister Sam, and we prefer our starlets alive and healthy and capable of withstanding our constant mockery.  

Remember when Hilary Duff said she was, like, so virginal she was practically a nun? Well, it's time to break out the rosary beads and the holy water, cause girl totally gave it up. Looks like Britney will finally have someone to pass on her "I'm a virgin (but this is an old shirt)" garb to.  

We never thought we'd get the opportunity to do two stories on Hilary Duff in as many days, but when she admits she's a big fat virgin we can't ignore her. Well, maybe "fat" isn't the word we should have used. Maybe big horse-toothed, Nicole-Richie-in-training virgin would have been more apropos.  

Hilary Duff is sick of being misunderstood as an artist. And if all you old people who make fun of her acting or her singing think she's so talentless, she'll show you. Cause you're old and poor and will probably die soon. So who's laughing now, grandpa? Huh? Huh? Who?  

Usually when an actress vows to never get all naked and let people film her, we cry. And we wait for the inevitable red-carpet nipple slip to placate us. But usually those actresses are your Jessica Albas and your Scarlett Johanssons, actresses who actually have the opportunity to show skin in movies we would actually watch. When Hilary Duff says she'll never do nudity, it really doesn't affect us much. Even if she were to go full frontal and have sex with a horse in Cheaper by the Dozen Part 8 we wouldn't know about it because we'd be in the next theater waiting for Jessica Simpson's bikini strap to lose its battle with gravity.  

We as Americans have been through a lot recently--the Nick and Jessica almost divorce, the shocking use of cocaine by a supermodel, "Y'all Ain't Ready". How are we expected to heal when we do not have wonderful diversions such as First Daughter and Raise Your Voice waiting for us at our local Loews? You're killing America, Hilary Duff and Katie Holmes.  

Neigh! I'm Hilary Duff.

Listen, ever since I got teef implants, I've been having trouble eating. My new veneers, they're hard to work, you see. I'm really hungry over here. Could you maybe put some food into my bag? A mashed-up apple would be nice, or a tender carrot. Or some oats. How about a sugar cube or two? C'mon, I'm dyin' over here. Anyone?  

Hilary Duff thinks that Jessica Simpson and Britney Spears are big f-in’ whores. And somehow she means that in a bad way.