Friday morning as you were climbing over the little old lady with the club foot to get to the half-price cashmere rack, you heard the strains of Wham!'s "Last Christmas" and knew that you were in for a torturous month of George Michael haunting your dreams. But just be thankful that the Christmas stylings of Heidi Klum have yet to make it to the overhead sound system at Macy's.
(And, yes, we realize that we are making fun of a woman who just days ago gave birth to her third child, but we're ok with that.)
Is Australian actress Abbie Cornish the real reason behind the Reese/Ryanbreakup? That would mark the second time Ryan's fallen for a blonde with an incredibly silly last name. At least he's consistent.
The drummer for McFly (who?) has been bragging to anyone who'll listen that he has felt the gently licking flames of Lohan's firecrotch. Yeeeeah, that's like bragging that you ate food once, or that you sometimes blink.
Step aside, Brangelina! Take a hike, Bennifer! Let's all give a warm welcome to . . . Tophvanka Grump!
If there's anything U.S. Marines hate, it's being in the presence of a large-breasted, blonde, ultra-famous porn star.
Katie Holmes recently ran into Brooke Shields and stopped to chat. Afterwards, her handler best friend ever threw a burlap sack over her head, threw her in the back of a Brinks security van, drove her to a secluded location 4 miles beneath the earth's crust, and subjected her to 72 straight hours of deprogramming and delousing.
Heidi Klum: finally, a celebrity who ain't afraid to get a little scary for the sake of Halloween. Nicely done.
Patrick Dempsey's ex-wife, whom he married when he was 21 and she was the 48-year-old stepmother of his best friend, is alleging that he beat her during the filming of Can't Buy Me Love. Hey, these actors are tempestuous, artistic types and often have trouble bringing their work home with them at the end of the day. Can you really blame Dempsey for feeling violent when he spent day in and day out in character as a brutal, sexist killer with a hair-trigger temper. Wait, what? Can't Buy Me Love was about a mild-mannered nerd on a riding lawnmower? Oh.
We love Heidi Klum. Not like that writer for Gilmore Girlsloves Heidi Klum, but more in a we-wish-we-could-share-our-popsicle-with-her kind of way. (And, yes, we do realize that the last sentence sounded extremely dirty, but we swear we meant an actual popsicle.) But you know what we love more than Heidi Klum? A partially naked Heidi Klum. Like this:
Can't you just hear her saying, As you know, in Heidi Klum you're either in or you're out.
Posh Spice to become godmother to Ginger Spice's baby daughter, Bluebell Spice. That's nice. When Bluebell needs advice on bulimia, tanning beds, and how to be a good trophy wife, she'll have a wealth of information at her fingertips.
Nicole Kidman sends a case of beer to the paparazzi. We assume the reason for this was so that they wouldn't notice that her face has been freshly pulled, drawn up and over the back of her skull, and tacked into place for her upcoming nuptials.
Pink promises that for one day only, her wedding day, she will "be a girl". But after the ceremony is over, the dress and all its frilly, lacy trappings will come off, the foot-long silicone strap-on will come out, and Pink will bend her new husband over their marriage bed and show that little bitch who wears the pants.
Stamos Nachos learns an important lesson: when driving Paris Hilton's Bentley under the influence while chased by paparazzi and while bystanders are filming the whole melee, do not obscure your drunken double vision with your jacket or you will crash into a truck, leaving your girlfriend no other recourse than to blow kisses at the cops. Oh, please, like we all haven't been there.
Mischa Barton's publicist once urged her to play hide-the-hot-dog with Leonardo diCaprio to further her career. Mischa expressed digust, not because he looks like a weepy-eyed Pekingese or the fact that he was on Growing Pains and totally has gross Ben Seaver germs, but because he's "like, thirty, or something".
Jessica Simpson tried to pull an Angelina and went on a humanitarian mission to Africa, only to fake sick. Because she's an asshole.
Models! Fluffy wings! Horny elves! Tyra Banks's farewell to modeling! Asses curiously devoid of cellulite! Light-up tit-tays! Candy canes! Inexplicable puffballs! High-res pics! Heidi Klum having a better body 8 hours after giving birth than we had at age 16! It's the Victoria's Secret fashion show! Wheeee!
We're the kind of people who leave our Christmas lights and animatronic waving Santa out until April. The type who likes to have Turkey leftovers until Dec. 17th. And the type of people who thumb our nose at The Man and plant trees allll fuckin' year, man, not just Arbor Day. So we'd like you to join us in extending the Halloween season. Take our hand, and together we'll enjoy watching young Hollywood turn Halloween into HO-lloweener.
According to PerezHilton.com, Rose McGowan was arrested last night at the T-Mobile party in Hollywood. He won't say why, but there are little Photoshopped white granules gently marching up her nose in the picture. Does she have really bad allergies? Was she doing some particularly dusty drywall work? Seriously, can someone help us decipher this cryptic clue?
First picture of the offspring of Seal and Heidi Klum is available, and little Henry sure is . . . he's really . . . he's quite . . . he's, uh, got a nice head of hair.
Yesterday, Michael Brown resigned from his trophy position heading up FEMA, and all the little babies incubating in the wombs of showbiz ladies caught wind and decided it was finally safe to enter the world. Photo spreads in People with the headline "Oh Baby!" TK.
Now, don't you go gettin' yerself a swoll head, Paris. Having an imposter is a nice start, but you haven't truly arrived until you have your very own stalker.
Seal, Heidi Klum, her mother, and daughter Leni were swarmed by paparazzi two days ago when they were atttempting to enjoy a family meal at a New York City eatery patio. An enraged Seal charged the group, barked, clapped his flippers together, and balanced a shutterbug on his nose for a full five minutes before Heidi showed her appreciation by tossing him a few herring that she kept in a bucket by her feet.
Heidi Klum is now officially Mrs. Heidi . . . uh . . . Mrs. Heidi Seal. She wed her adult contemporary crap-pop crooner in a ceremony in Mexico yesterday. Take THAT, Renιe and Kenny Chesney! In your face!
