Here is a celebrity in a see-through skirt.



Note the buttery, silken blonde hair, the toned physique. Gaze with wonder upon the finespun bones in her delicate ankles. Thrill to the buoyant youthfulness of her high-water chair cheeks. Is it Paris Hilton? Tara Reid? Jessica Simpson? No, gentle reader. And the answer as to who exactly this mysterious, shadowy, tight-duffed lady is may surprise you. Unless you're looking at the list of "Related Topics" underneath this entry. Shit! Stop! Oh, you looked. Smooth move, Ex-Lax. The surprise is ruined. Do you also read the last page of a new book first and did you peek in your parents' closet to check out your Christmas presents?  

Contrary to popular reports stating otherwise, the romance between Wild Thing Denise Richards and aging craprocker Richie Sambora is still on--they are presently kissing and getting sunburned together in Italy. And Heather Locklear is reportedly so steamed that she pulled a mean-spirited Lloyd Dobbler on Denise.  

When Wilmer Valderrama went on Howard Stern and rated all the famous trim he'd had the pleasure of Fezzing over the years, everybody rolled their eyes. Just another sad little tiny-crotched rooster fluffing up his feathers and waggling his sad little comb. After all, playing a lisping foreign dude on a dead-horse FOX show, doing a guest spot on Grounded for Life, and providing voice talent for Clifford's Really Big Movie is hardly the stuff of legend. But when that handsome John Stamos followed suit, we had to give the ol' thumbs up and appreciate the new trend of celebrity boff bragging for what it is: the closest any of us will ever come to sleeping with the likes of Rebecca Romijn.  

• Teri Hatcher deems her toes and nipples "suck-worthy". Just like her acting!

• Evangeline Lilly blames Hollywood for forcing her to get really, really buff.

• IF you want Rod Stewart's daughter's naked bo-dy, AND you think she's sex-y, COME on sugar, click right here.

• Ashlee Simpson begins her slow, painful metamorphosis into her sister. First, the nose. Then comes the Jackass copulating.

• Anna Nicole Smith climbed on top of an 89-year-old man, placed his shriveled, liver spotted member into her person, and is probably getting a billion dollars for the trouble. Now, possibly some dude has mounted Anna Nicole's shriveled, Trimspa-ravaged body, placed his member inside her person, impregnated her, and wants the ca$h. Ah, the circle of life.

• Dunstcrack! Dunstcrack! Dunstcrack! Dunstcrack!!!

• Eva Longoria talks about getting naked or doing it or something like that. In related news, bear shits in woods, Pope wears funny hat, etc. etc.

• Denise Richards tries to shake off the shit-stink of husbandstealing assholism, turning the tables on Heather Locklear, saying, "Heather knows why we aren’t friends.” Which sounds suspiciously like the now-classic "Nicole knows what she did."

 

First, Charlie Sheen threatened to kill her. Now, Heather Locklear claims "You no longer exist to me. It's like you've died." Wow, this whole "accuse your husband of kiddie porn and hookers, then take out a restraining order" plea for public sympathy Denise Richards is pulling doesn't exactly seem to be working out for her too well. When the public opts to side with Charlie Sheen-CHARLIE SHEEN, PEOPLE--over the pretty lady from Wild Things, you know you're pretty much an asshole.  

We heard reports earlier this week that recent divorce filer Heather Locklear was seen getting some deep tongue action from David Spade, but we shrugged it off in much the same way that we try to forget about that burning sensation when we pee--if we ignore it, maybe it will go away. It seemed to work when we heard Al Pacino was dating Rose McGowan. But this one has left us scratching our head. Heather Locklear is gorgeous. David Spade played Joe Dirt. We know she has a fetish for long stringy hair (see Lee, Tommy and Sambora, Richie), but it just doesn't make sense. Maybe all those years of extending her head to kiss much taller men has left her with severe neck strain and she was forced to find a mate closer to her own stature. Lucky for Heather Tom Cruise was already taken.  

You might think that dorking someone like Jessica Simpson would be a dream come true, but in reality, while you were pumping away, she'd be feeding some Pupparoni to her floofy dog, applying self-tanner and Creme de la Mer, taking on her cell with her publicist, and screeching at you to hurry up because her Birkin bag order was in at Hermes and good Christ, would you please fucking watch the nails? It makes sense, then, that people like Nick Lachey and Richie Sambora would toss their wives overboard in favor of copulating with norms. Personal assistant-fucking: catch the fever!  

• Jermaine Dupri says that his girlfriend Janet Jackson purposely got all lumpy and lardy for an indie film role that fell through. We're totally stealing that excuse.

• Don't fuck with Reese Witherspoon. Unless you're into dying.

• Kate Moss proves that supermodels actually have brains!

• She also proves she has a nipple. Again.

• Heather Locklear allegedly was prompted to file for divorce when she discovered some racy emails and provocative pictures some dame had sent to her husband. Damn you, MySpace!!!

• Denise Richards recently got an AIDS test, her fears reportedly sparked after discovering that now-estranged husband Charlie Sheen paid for an "army of hookers". Soon to be deployed to Iraq?

• In case you were wondering, Fergie is still fergly.

• This guy's Maddox Jolie tattoo actually makes us feel pretty good about the fact that we have Isabella Cruise's face inked on our ass.

• Mandy Moore kissed Sarah Chalke on Scrubs. We're not going to make a joke here, because fake lesbian kisses on the television are serious, serious business.

• Val Kilmer has gotten so terribly corpulent that he actually tried to eat Paris Hilton!

• Luckily, she escaped and was able to safely slip nip yet again.

 

February 2nd, 2005. The day love died. Yesterday, Heather Locklear filed for divorce from Richie Sambora. No reasons were cited for the split, but we can assume that it was either a fight over the bronzing powder or a heathed battle over whose highlights were more "buttery".  

• Despite wasting away from Exhaustion, Colin Farrell somehow musters up the strength to swing one feeble, Irish fist and "fight off" the rumors that he OD'ed.

• Orlando Bloom is tactless. And Gwyneth Paltrow is heavy with baby, for real though.

• Die Hiltons!

• Die Hiltons stuff Santa's stocking with hard nipples and thongs, that is.

• And Heather Locklear says, "Hard nips? I'll show you hard nips, bitches. I was busting out the party hats before you were out of Luvs."

• Rod Stewart swears that his marriage to Penny Lancaster will last the rest of his life. The old guy's got about 6 good years left in him, so we'd say that's doable.

• Eva Longoria is a jolly clown.

• When the rich are launched into space, and aliens finally meet delegates of Earth, the first face upon which they will lay their cold, shiny black eyes will be that of . . . Victoria Principal?