So what were the serious journalists over at In Touch doing while People was negotiating their $4.1 million buy of the Brangelina family fun pics? They were rating celebrity racks. Because who cares about Piloh Shitt when there are boobs to ogle?  

Halle Berry recently told Conan O'Brien that she occasionally wears her X-Men costume in the bedroom when she's entertaining her gentleman caller. You'll recall that Hugh Jackman made similar claims not too long ago. But there's one big difference--when Halle Berry wears her X-Men costume in the bedroom, she takes it off to accept a human male's penis into her body. And when Hugh Jackman wears his X-Men costume in the bedroom, he takes it off to accept a human male's penis into his body. Huh. Guess that's not a big difference at all.  

• Nicole Richie and DJ AM have officially broken up. Apparently, he's disgusted by Nicole's extreme weight loss method of not eating, while he lost over a hundred pounds the old fashioned way: by having a team of doctors reduce his stomach to the size of a butterbean, then saw off all his excess skin with scalpels.

• Ryan Seacrest pulls a Heather Chandler.

• Naomi Campbell "keeps new man quiet". By beating his larynx clean out of his throat with a Sidekick.

• Beginning our special cleavage (un)coverage from Cannes: Halle Berry's berries!

• Up next: Elizabeth Hurley, trotting out her old girls!

• And finally, Alyssa Milano's Micelli mams! A stupendous showing! Props to all!

• Michelle Rodriguez is heading back to jail. Must be a dream come true for her.

• Michelle Williams's dad was jailed for tax evasion. Maybe he and Lindsay Lohan's father can break out the jug and harmonica and form a prison band.

• Penn Jillette and wife name newborn son Zolten, because they want him to grow up to tell fortunes.

• Geri "Ginger Spice" Halliwell names her newborn daughter Bluebell Madonna, because she wants her to be a magical pet rabbit that strips.  

We can only think of one person who comes close to being a bigger pile of cat turds than Brandon Davis, and that man is Brett Ratner. (OK, maybe Chris "no fat chicks" Klein.) Ratner has spent the last few years yelling "Action!" and "Cut!" and pretending he knows what those words mean, but it hasn't brought him any closer to his one true passion: Taking naked photos of hot famous chicks. And since he is so famous and important himself, only the most famous women on the planet will suffice. No Elisha Cuthberts or Piper Perabos for this guy, no sir. Only Halle Berry or Lindsay Lohan will fulfill his artistic vision.  

Bruce Willis allegedly refused to shoot a sex scene with Halle Berry because she is simply too beautiful and it would have been "awkward". Instead, Halle was filmed writhing solo on a bed while Bruce's recorded voice played in the background. Sooo, we can assume the writhing she was doing was caused by disgust, or pain, or quite possibly revulsion.  

If you're anything like us, and we know you are, you perv, you wish Halle Berry would stop dicking around in cinematic gems like Catwoman and the body-double tomfoolery of Gothika and just get naked again. Well, it looks like she read all those letters we sent (most of them just said "show us your tits" because we're not particularly creative) and might be ready to grant our wish.  

Another day, another lad mag tells you whom you should masturbate to tonight. And in what may be the upset of the century--or at least right behind that whole Crash/Brokeback Mountain thing--Scarlett Johansson is now your top masturbatory fantasy. Jessica Alba is crying into her no-nudity clause as we speak.  

We know you've all seen Halle Berry all kinds of down-and-dirty naked. But that doesn't mean you don't want to see pictures of her jiggling her jugs and dry humping a giant poodle, now does it?  

Halle Berry has revealed (see, that was a good word choice, right there) the reasons behind her extraneous Swordfish titty flash: it was simply a trial run for her more intense Monster's Ball skin scene. A dress rehearsal, if you will. Or, an undress rehersal, if you will.  

You know that friend of yours, the guy who goes to X Files conventions in 2005 and sweats when he eats? You know how he's always like, "I had this intense conversation with Halle Berry in the MforW23402911 chat room last night. No. Dude. Seriously."? As it turns out, he may be telling the truth.  

So. It seems that Halle Berry was approached by the Playboy folks a decade ago and agreed to peel for the publication, but only after the "right film" came along. Huh. Guess The Flintstones and B.A.P.S. weren't exactly inspirational in the nudity department?  

Eligible men of America: well, you’ve really dropped the ball this time, dudes. First Pam Anderson could not find a man to impregnate her, and now Halle Berry is crying hot salty tears into her flawless cleavage because she can’t seem to locate any poor sap to inject her with baby juice. What kind of sick, sad world do we live in?