• Jessica Simpson has lost the part of Lucy Ewing in the upcoming Dallas movie because movie bosses are concerned she'd out-diva the biggest diva on the set, John Travolta. Oooops, we meant to say Jennifer Lopez. Did we really say "John Travolta"? How silly of us.

• So who ended up winning that coveted Lucy Ewing role? Katie Cassidy, daughter of Partridge Family teen dreamboat David. Pictures here. "Rock Heiress". That's funny.

• Mischa Barton on the beach, in a bikini. New! Improved! Now with 100% less Nicole Richie!

• Gwyneth Paltrow is "cutting" some "hot tracks" in the studio, possibly for an album. Nothing could ever top the bunny-soft, bun-numbing pap-rock track "Cruisin'" she recorded with Huey Lewis. Why bother?

• Star Jones: FIRED from The View! Barbara Walters: BETRAYED! Joy Behar: GLEEFUL! Al Reynolds: Gay as a garden party! Us: bored and hungry. You got any Pop Tarts or Li'l Hugs?

• Jessica Simpson's new video involves Christina Applegate, Christina Milian, Eva Longoria, a terry-cloth romper, and roller skates. Sweet, it's just like the Dire Straits "Skateaway" video, only with famous broads. Yayyyy!

• Britney: evil purple sea witch? Yes.

• Well, Kate Beckinsale and her husband certainly look very together, after all.

• Lindsay says, "I did not have sexual intercourse with . . . that man. Mr. McFly."

• Someone stop Sharon Stone before she adopts again!  

Tiny Moses Martin just seems to instinctively know that the golden-maned woman clutching him to her bosom is the very same beast behind his unbelievably stupid moniker, and naturally shrinks, wincing and horrified, from her touch.


 

Here we've been watching Katie Holmes through our gossip telescope waiting for her to deflate the pillow under her shirt and magically turn it into a real live baby (Scientology makes you magic, people), and we were so distracted that we totally forgot that Gwyneth Paltrow even existed, let alone that she was carrying a spawn of her own. Now Gwyneth has produced (Ha! Produce! Apple!) another tiny human, proving once and for all the old hypothesis that incubating a Martin takes about four months, while incubating a Cruise takes roughly three and a half years. (We learned that one in chemistry class right after memorizing the periodic table.)  

So pregnant Gwyneth Paltrow drank a Guinness. Big fuckin' deal. Our mom drank a bottle of Jim Beam and smoked three packs of Pall Malls a day when she was pregnant with us, and that tail was really easy to remove.  

• A surprise appearance by Mick Jagger causes a near-riot at his illegitimate son's grade school. Right, like Brazilian 6-year-olds know who the fuck Mick Jagger is.

• Most women look all glowy and happy and shiny and fresh when they're all knocked up. Gwyneth Paltrow? Ehhhhh, not so much.

• Thar she blows! A hump like a snowhill! It's Britney, breaching and proving that yes, the Murphy's Mart Five and Dime off Cub Run Highway in central Kentucky does, in fact, have a swimwear line!

• An Olsen twin with her right teat hanging out? HOW RUDE!

• PETA urges our vice president to shoot Eva Longoria in the face. Yes, you read that correctly.

• We're kind of grossing ourselves out over the fact that we think Avril Lavigne is suddenly utterly alluring.

• Betty White. Naked. Eh, she's no Rue McClanahan.

• Carmen Electra and Victoria Silvstedt fake make out, legions of dudes in fake tans and Gotti boy hairdos cream.

• Not satisfied with adopting needy children from across the Earth, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt branch out and adopt a beautiful new baby from the planet Owens-Corning and debut their new child in all her rosy, fluffy glory in Paris. Congrats to the new parents!  

We thought that between the two of them Gwyneth Paltrow and husband Chris Martin had about as much of a sense of humor as Droopy Dog, but apparently we were wrong. Martin at least can crack a joke. It just takes his pants falling down in front of thousands of people.  

Gwyneth Paltrow is hoping and praying that, despite raising her in England, her daughter Apple will develop an American accent, because she hates the way Brits pronounce "basil" and "pasta". We guess saying "Ahhhn-tony Hupkins" is fine, however.  

Remember the time you heard about the rumored remake of Dirty Dancing that was going to star Ricky Martin and Britney Spears but then it never happened? You thought that was the greatest cinematic missed opportunity in history. Well, you were wrong. That distinction belongs to the never materialized pairing of Gwyneth Paltrow and Vanilla Ice. (OK, so maybe modern-day, golden-showers-loving Ricky and unwashed, Tato Skins-bloated Britney could have surpassed that.)  

So Gwyneth Paltrow has officially announced that she's pregnant. Usually this would be big news and people would joke over what the kid would be named. (At this point we think that the Paltrow-Martin household uses the "pick up the first reading material you see and point to a word" strategy of child naming, with Apple coming from a Macintosh catalog and the rumored Capone coming from an encyclopedia on American crime. The kid's just lucky its parents don't read The Wall Street Journal, cause if they did the poor thing could have been saddled with something like Fiduciary.) But since this announcement comes the day after we officially learned of the Jolie-Pitt super fetus, we just say, "Enh."  

Remember how yesterday we told you that Gwyneth Paltrow might be naming her excuse for getting fat incubating baby Capone and you thought she had gone the route of Tom Cruise and was never coming back from that land where unicorns eat people and shit smells like fresh-baked cookies? Well, now she thinks ghosts are after her. It's going to take more than an infant-sized gat to scare her back to reality.  

And you thought she couldn't top "Apple" . . . the name Gwyneth Paltrow has chosen for her new baby is pure crapple.  

Apple Martin, the fruit (haw!) of Gwyneth Paltrow's loins, rendered the fruit (guffaw!) of her mother's chest twisted, hideous, misshapen, sagging, eye-singeingly deformed. Thanks a bundle, Apple, you ungrateful little shit.  

• Despite wasting away from Exhaustion, Colin Farrell somehow musters up the strength to swing one feeble, Irish fist and "fight off" the rumors that he OD'ed.

• Orlando Bloom is tactless. And Gwyneth Paltrow is heavy with baby, for real though.

• Die Hiltons!

• Die Hiltons stuff Santa's stocking with hard nipples and thongs, that is.

• And Heather Locklear says, "Hard nips? I'll show you hard nips, bitches. I was busting out the party hats before you were out of Luvs."

• Rod Stewart swears that his marriage to Penny Lancaster will last the rest of his life. The old guy's got about 6 good years left in him, so we'd say that's doable.

• Eva Longoria is a jolly clown.

• When the rich are launched into space, and aliens finally meet delegates of Earth, the first face upon which they will lay their cold, shiny black eyes will be that of . . . Victoria Principal?

 

Gwyneth Paltrow and her fey Coldplay husband Chris Martin have reproduced yet again. Tears of joy, awe, congratulatory handshakes, hearty high-fives, gasps, over-the-top chest-clutching, impassioned dancing in the streets, fainting, tickertape parade, baby animal sacrifice, etc., to come.  

• The fatcats behind Jessica Alba's recent movies have messed with perfection. They must pay. Oh, wait, they made her boobs BIGGER? Oh. Carry on.

• Is Gwyneth Paltrow with child again? If true, congrats! And welcome, little Pomegranate Martin!

• Lara Flynn Boyle's lips just keep getting more blown up. That's bad. But the rest of her anatomy is blowing up too, and that's good. Food is nice. And see-through dresses? Also nice.

• Ghandi is the new Kabbalah! Not only did Tara Reid's tit shoot the wizened old fossil, his teachings are comforting Jennifer Aniston in her time of need. Sorry, Vince Vaughn: apparently, Jen finds nonviolence and the wearing of loosely-draped diapers far sexier than the likes of you, champ.

• Jennifer Garner is having a baby girl. We guess that means Ben Affleck is having a baby girl, too. We have no opinion in regards to this information, so do with it what you like.

• Courtney Love: dosed with acid at age four! Therapy at six! Porno at nine! Swearing off letting homeless men suck her cans outside of Wendy's! Stars: they're just like US! Only not. At all.

• Damage control spins into overdrive! After being dropped as the face of Chanel, H&M, et al, Kate Moss has checked her bony ass into rehab. With the stink of scandal wafting off her, Moss will be lucky if she can land a deal as the face of Generra or Fashion Bug now.  

Gwyneth Paltrow is determined not to let her daughter Apple grow up to be a freak. So we're guessing she's had a bit of a change of heart since she named the kid Apple.