Sometimes it seems like celebrities are only aware of about fourteen locations on the face of the earth. Hyde is one, of course, then there's that really sketchy house in The Valley that's a pain in the ass to get to but always has the best drugs. Once in a while a celeb like Angelina Jolie or Madonna gets uppity and flees to Africa or Cambodia, but that's just temporary, before they return to the Chateau Marmont. And of course there's George Clooney's Italian villa. Anyone who's everyone (including now Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes) has almost gotten married there. But, see, famous people have very little follow-through, so usually they just give up and make some babies instead of actually getting hitched and say, unh, maybe next year.  

• Following her guest-starring role as lottery winner Dawn Budge on Nip/Tuck, Rosie O'Donell will be doing a spinoff series. A Dawn Budge spinoff but no Riding the Bus with My Sister spinoff? God, the injustice in this world.

• We can see right through Mischa Barton.

• And after that, she pokes out our eyeballs so that we might never see again.

• Lance and Matt: forever putting the "ghey" in "McConaughey"!

• Ellen Barkin would like you to know that she has fucked George Clooney. Big deal. Join the club.

• Kelly Brook's underwear can be yours. In fact, Kelly Brook's underwear can be anybody's now.

• Suzanne Somers wrote a new book about hormone replacement therapy being the fountain of youth. Before you go clamoring to pick up a copy and a side of progesterone, have a gander at the results. Sweet fancy Moses on a cracker!

• Whitney Houston is legally extricating herself from Bobby Brown. Hopefully she'll get custody of a better weave. Oh yeah! We went there! That's right!

• Heather Mills is alleging that Paul McCartney roughed her up during their marriage. Oh, please. That's like saying you got roofied by Cat Stevens. Paul McCartney? Macca? Seriously? The worst we can picture is him smoking a laced doob and giving a half-hearted slap with some organic radishes or something.

• The wrestlers of the WWE had their way with Kevin Federline the other night. And while the pictures of K-Fed getting body-slammed in the ring are pleasant enough, we can't help but yearn for the quality WWF days of our youth and wish that Junkyard Dog and the Iron Sheik would join forces to tag-team Federline, while Lou Albano shot rubber bands from the sidelines and afterwards, Rowdy Roddy Piper would make a man out of K-Fed during a Backlot Brawl.  

• Andy Dick chalks up the fact that people call him gay to everyone being jealous of him, and not him having sex with men.

• Kate Beckinsale says she'll never get plastic surgery. Despite the fact that her boobs were named the Ugliest in Hollywood.

• Madonna probably adopted a baby, for real this time, though. Toting around an African baby is the new Birkin bag!

• George Clooney says he'll never run for president because he's boffed too many ladies. Insert Clinton joke here, please.

• Amber Tamblyn's nip is Tumblyn out of her dress.

• Et tu, Rose McGowan?

• Finally, Johnny Depp to make an honest woman out of Vanessa Paradis! Hopefully she'll be able to get on his dental plan now.

• Lindsay Lohan says, "It's up to me and my mom to decide if I am partying too much." Ah, yes, nothing like that tender moment between mother and daughter, when Mom gently strokes Daughter's hair and says, "Beer BEFORE liquor, sweetheart. And coke before ecstasy. And Red Bull before semen."

• Dr. McDreamy gets McCreamed by McCastmate. We promise that's the only time you'll ever have to read the name "McDreamy" on these pages.

 

If you are a lady and it is time for you to head over to your local vagina doctor for your annual exam, you may just find that your pap smear is suddenly 92.3% more erotic, thanks to photos of oiled-up Hollywood beau-hunks on the doctor's walls.  

We know that Keira Knightley admitted that she's got less going on in the chestal region than Ben Affleck, but that's no reason to call her a man. You're mean, FemaleFirst.  

"Hey, guys, remember me? I'm Roseanne. I know I haven't been around lately, but I'm still totally famous. And people still love me even though I'm a total shit-whore bitch. Remember my show? The reruns are on like twelve times a day on one of those channels for women. No? You don't remember? I was fat, then less fat, then even fatter, then a little less fat again. Not ringing any bells? I know George Clooney! He's totally famous. I know him. We're tight."  

It seems that Russell Crowe is a little desperate for attention lately. He spent all of 2004 away from the big screen, and he's a bit scared that the fickle movie-going public has forgotten him. What's a boy to do? Why, take a few swipes at stars who had hit movies last year, of course. Oh, and throw in a few swear words to make himself look tough.  

We never liked Brad Pitt hanging out with that Clooney boy. George is a little older and more experienced; those Ocean's Twelve boys are a bit of a fast crowd. We always thought he was a bit of a bad influence on Braddy, and now we find out that George introduced him to a swimsuit model? What would Jen think? Ohhhh yeah, Jen's too busy with her own canoodlage.