We haven't made a joke containing the words "Fergie" and "pee" or "Depends" in quite a many months, and as much as we want to, we better restrain ourself or else she may send us to Hell. Apparently Fergie Ferg is God's homegirl, he loves her humps and her London Bridge, he doesn't phunk with her heart, etc. etc. etc.  

Normally, we refer to our lead story as "The Sexy Lady Story" and like to feature some sort of facially or corporeally attractive famous female in various states of undress, discussing her anus, and such and such.



Today, the term "Sexy Lady Story" is a misnomer, or possibly an outright lie. Gentle reader, accept our heartfelt apologies.  

But to the straights, she says, "Crack it up, bitches!"  

Fergie--the singer, not the former royal--has been speaking out about her erstwhile crystal meth addiction, likening the drug to a bad boyfriend. IMDb's headline today is "Fergie: Meth Was 'Hardest Boyfriend'", which doesn't really say much about poor Josh Duhamel. Zing!  

• Christie Brinkley's husband says sorry. "Sorry! Sorry for having sexy sex with a teenager. Seriously, sorry about that. My b."

• David Hasselhoff as Captain Hook in a London production of Peter Pan? Those are some pretty gay big shoes to fill. Only one man can replace The Hoff, and that's The Fonz. Ayyyyy.

• Paparazzi, please stop taking photographs of Natalie Portman. Or she will make her hair look like Annette Bening's circa 1989 and then waggle a hand at you in a vaguely threatening manner.

• Britney's little sister, Sean P Federline, and a turd on a stick. You heard us.

• I've had it with these motherfucking Mo'Niques on this motherfucking plane!

• Seacrest out? No. Lance Bass out? HELL YES! You go, girlfriend!

• Agent Scully is preggo . . . by an alien! No, by a businessman. Whatever.

• Carmen Electra, former wife of Dennis Rodman and newly split from Dave Navarro, was seen on a date with Jamie Foxx. Well, you know the old saying: once you go black, you go back once and then a few years later you look in the mirror and say "I'm married to a guy who still wears eyeliner and feather boas in 2006" and THEN you vow to never go back. Or something.

• Did Fergie get dumped? Get dumped get dumped get dumped? Check it out.
 

We always suspected that Josh Duhamel was about as sane as Judy Garland at an all-you-can-swallow pharmacy. His choice of Fergie pee pee pants as his "girl"friend pretty much proves some sort of chemical imbalance. But picking a fight with Tommy Lee? His penis could knock you clear across the room and he wouldn't even have to look up from his drink.  

Right now you might not know quite who Josh Lucas is (unless you're one of the few who clings to your copy of Sweet Home Alabama as if it were a loaf of bread and you were Jean Valjean), but soon you'll know him as that guy who admitted to drinking pee. Ol' piss drinker. Pee-pee-mouth McGee. Tinkle tongue. You get the picture.  

• Lil' Kim's leaky-ass fake yams need stop in the pit to be oiled, lubed, and rotated.

• Lindsay Lohan's Long Island ho buddies post pictures of the teen queen flipping the bird, boozing it up, hanging with Moss, making the international symbol for cunnilingus, and posing next to a bong and possibly a chopped-up coke line. Damn you again, MySpace!

• Slightly older pictures, but Natalie Portman nippage is forever newsworthy, do you not agree?

• Person you've never heard of likens Keira Knightley's torso to "two aspirins on an ironing board". We love the English! That almost beats Noel Gallagher's "Zorro on doughnuts" simile of yore. Almost.

• Said aspirin are in talks to hawk warpaint for Chanel.

• Does Tom Hanks make Fergie look more feminine, or is it the other way around?

• Dreamgirls producers are terrified that Beyonce's ass will bust through costumes, Kool-Aid Man style. Ohhhh yeaaaaah!  

We know that God must get pretty bored sometimes. There's not even any color in heaven, and all that white day after day must get pretty mundane and make anyone itch for a little excitement. But, I mean, he's God. He could choose to make himself heard to anyone. He could tell one of those loner teens that taking a gun to school isn't a very good idea. He could make Tom Cruise admit to his sham relationship and his love of wiener. But no. He decides to encourage Fergie to bless us with "Don't Phunk with My Heart". Thanks a lot, God.  

Fergie's predilection for urinating in her clothing has been well-documented on this site. However, a quick look at this picture from last night's Grammy arrival reveals something much more sinister:
Is that a faded fecal stain on her dress? Has she lost complete control of her excretory system? We understand that being in the same room as Slipknot must be truly electrifying, but please, try to get a handle on your bowels.  

All those beautifully soft, rounded, fresh, young, nubile boobiles above are like a gentle buffered saline wash for the eyes. However, this is Monday morning and you most likely need a rousing jolt to shake the smokey crust from your blinkers, so here's Fergie in a bikini: like a hot splash of Cutex nail polish remover straight to the face!
 

Since 2005 is drawing to a close and everyone seems to think that the rest of the world gives a shit about what the schmuck from Farty McJizzington's Super Cool Blog liked best about the past year, we'll jump on that Big in '05 bandwagon by revisiting what may have been our favorite story of the year: The Black Eyed Peas' Fergie mistaking her pants for a toilet. And what made us think about this story today? Fergie has admitted that wasn't the first time she soiled herself onstage. Apparently she's a serial pisser. Serial Pea-er. Whatever, girl's just nasty.  

• Nicole Richie (version Fat.0) with plump rump ripe on the runway. Ah, those halcyon days of youth.

• Super kookynuts rumor of the day: Paris Hilton is set to dip her ring finger in the cheesy, Uncle Jesse style goodness of Stamos Nachos and become his lawfully wedded tortilla chip.

• Not only can 90210 "actress" Tori Spelling make disgusted faces and make David Silver get a boner, she can also make a baby! Yaaaay!

• After getting arrested for posession of crack yesterday, Kate Moss squire of yore Pete Doherty claims she left him for good because he's packing a wee weiner.

• While Enrique Iglesias claims that the rumors of his own lack of girth have been greatly exaggerated.

• She says Jacko's not the one, no, the kid is not his son.

• Yet ANOTHER reason to hate Fergie.

• Keeping with the Halloween spirit, Tom and Katie are set to wed on October 21rst.

• After the three Magi heard King Herod, they went on their way, and the star they had seen in the east went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was. On coming to the Malibu house with the tricked-out pink Hummer out front, they saw the child with his mother Britney, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented Sean Preston with gifts of woobies and of binkies and of myrrh. Merry X-mas, y'all!

 

The season of giving and sharing is upon us. Even big-name Hollywood actresses, notorious for spending all their money on cashmere toilet paper and mink tampons are getting into the spirit, unwrapping their bazooms to bestow their nipples upon needy children. It's a copious cornucopia of nipples. It's a horn o' plenty of nipples. It's horny plenty of nipples. Nipples. Nipples, nipples, nipples.  

Today is a lucky day for anyone who has ever dreamed of seeing a lady he's already seen doused in her own urine shaking her assets at the Bada Bing: Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas is planning a guest-starring role as an undercover cop posing as a stripper on The Sopranos. R. Kelly's already firing up his Tivo.  

Listen, we've made no big secret of our extreme distaste for Black Eyed Peas singer/Cabbage-Patch-Kid-with-a-melted-face Fergie. And these pee-pee pants pics are not changing our minds.  

• Pink proposed to her boyfriend, motocross racer and Surreal Life star Carey Hart. Not to be confused with Corey Hart. That would just be preposterous.

• Looks like Stella Lost Her Groove again. Because, as it turns out, her groove was A Gay.

• Fergie scares us. Fergie looks like a Cabbage Patch Kid that grew up and turned into a gypsy tweaker. But apparently, that's a look Josh Duhamel likes enough that he wants to wake up next to it for the rest of his life, so, you know. We're shutting up now.

• Bobby and Whitney say: You don't know true love until you've dug impacted feces out of your lover's sphincter.

• Brangelina gets attacked by some crazy punk kid! Not screwing? Pfft.

•Hey, look. Mariah Carey has a new boyfriend.