The other day you all gathered around with carpet squares and juice boxes, and in hushed, reverent tones, we told you the tale of Beyoncé and Eva Longoria preparing to star in a film in which they would bump donuts. But Eva now tells us that it's lies, all lies. Filthy lies. Dirty lies. Dirty, delicious, tasty, perfumed, lacy little lies. Soft and supple, taut and firm lies. Lies tinged with the sweet, lusty sweat of mingled feminine liquids. Tangy lies. Fleshy lies.  

Which actresses would you must like to see clam jousting on the big screen? Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Alba? Angelina Jolie and Lindsay Lohan? What if we offered you a two-for-one taco night with Beyoncé and Eva Longoria? Yeah, we didn't think there'd be any objections.  

Our jubilance upon learning that Eva Longoria and her romantically subnormal toy boy, Tony Parker, had split was short-lived. Today we learn the sad fact that they are trying to save the romance, and that Eva has dropped everything and flown to France to try to work things through, thus giving gossip writers yet another reason to think they're terribly clever by describing Eva as "desperate". Oh ho ho!  

Ring the alarm! Sound the gong! Eva Longoria and her frog baller lover Tony Parker are over! Guess that "T.P." mons pubis tattoo doesn't seem like such a stellar idea today, eh, Eva?  

• "Eva Longoria Loves Facials". Yep, that sounds about right.

• My Gwen Stefani doll can beat up your Peaches N' Cream Barbie.

• Still no word on whether or not Lohan is engaged to Harry "Pink Taco" Morton, but she's sporting an '80s-style pear-cut diamond that Alexis Carrington herself would find distasteful.

• Kelly Clarkson was embarrassed to learn that she owned the same pink convertible as a porn star. The fact that she actually owns a pink convertible is much more embarrassing, however.

• Brittany Murphy exits club, gets propositioned for some tuna taco tangoing, signs autographs, lets us look down her shirt. Now that's multitasking.

• Eva Mendes's bare ass in Flaunt magazine. You heard us. That's right. Believe it. Flaunt magazine! Seriously!

• Kate Bosworth and Orlando Bloom broke up. Again. If a walking Chupa Chups lollipop and a crustachioed eunuch can't make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us?

• An idea we wish we'd thought of: Gossip Blog Wars.

• Kate Moss + underwear = server crash. Way to get your kit off, bird! Pip pip! Tut tut! Tally ho! Cheerio!  

OK, so Eva Longoria's publicist is denying a few rumors about her love life that have appeared in the press recently. "Great," we thought. "That right there is the stuff of titillation! Let us dip our quills in the proverbial inkwell and get started, post haste!" Then we stared at the blank computer screen for twenty minutes, trying to think of an Eva Longoria joke we haven't already beaten into the ground with bloodied clubs. So instead we'll post pictures of Eva in the lastest issue of Maxim, Photoshopped to smoothed-out, stretched-out perfection so that Joe Fratguy can safely manually stimulate his genitals to it without being reminded of the fact that human females have pubic hair, pores, ankle bones, and creases at the knee.

 

Papa Joe Simpson gives a hearty thumbs-up to the following things: his daughter's breasts, talking about his daughter's breasts, allowing his daughter to show off her breasts in print and on screen. Not OK? Hanging out with Eva Longoria. Never did we think we'd have so much in common with Jessica Simpson's father. Aside from our shared glorious mango-hued tans and an airs of stifling skeeziness.  

We have never hidden the fact that we do not share Maxim's desire for Eva Longoria's bikini-clad body to be visible from space. While we love things like nudity and bikinis and vibrators and sexy talk, there can be too much of a good thing. You've oversaturated the market, Eva. We don't need to see you in any more bikinis; we don't need to know how many vibrators you own and what variety does a better bedroom job than your sexually stunted near-virgin boyfriend. So if you get your wish of fewer naked Desperate Housewives bubble baths, we won't cry or anything.  

There may be some truth to Eva Longoria's admission that her man-candy, San Antonio Spur Tony Parker, is woefully inexperienced when it comes to romantic/erotic matters, as he became wildly jealous when his girlfriend hopped into the ocean and began cuddling with dolphins. You may think this sounds like the action of a desperate, insecure man; we think it's the action of a smart man. If Jessica Alba has taught us anything, it's that dolphins are poonthirsty perverts by nature and will stop at nothing to grab a heavenly piece of woman-cake.  

There's a very good reason why Hollywood types keep themselves locked up in the VIP sections of exclusive clubs and multimillion-dollar homes in the Hills, only emerging for vital necessities like coke and non-fat, low-foam triple-shot buckywuckyccinos. They're just too beautiful to be seen by people who are used to being surrounded by three-hundred-pound Wal-Mart employees from Joliet who are in desperate need of some expensive dental work and VO5 hot oil. If Kate Hudson can cause a helicopter crash and Eva Longoria can bring down a photographer, just think what kind of destruction Angelina Jolie could cause if she was spotted in a bikini. Maybe that will be the catalyst for the world's ultimate destruction. People magazine's 50 Most Beautiful People will gather on a Malibu beach and hurricanes, tsunamis, earthquakes and the like will bring about our planet's end.  

After their marriage, Nicole Kidman and her new husband, crooning outback troubadour Keith Urban, jetted to a remote, staggeringly expensive, extremely private resort on the island of Bora Bora. Picture it: You're arguably the world's most famous actress, you've just pulled of a smooth wedding, you're heading to a tropical locale away from the prying eyes of the public, you've hired a team of jet-skiing bodyguards to patrol the area, and you're met with . . . the infamous Eva Longoria, staying mere steps from your private cabin, banging gongs and knocking on your door asking to borrow a cup of sugar and offering you marital aids from her vast private stash.  

• Jessica Simpson has lost the part of Lucy Ewing in the upcoming Dallas movie because movie bosses are concerned she'd out-diva the biggest diva on the set, John Travolta. Oooops, we meant to say Jennifer Lopez. Did we really say "John Travolta"? How silly of us.

• So who ended up winning that coveted Lucy Ewing role? Katie Cassidy, daughter of Partridge Family teen dreamboat David. Pictures here. "Rock Heiress". That's funny.

• Mischa Barton on the beach, in a bikini. New! Improved! Now with 100% less Nicole Richie!

• Gwyneth Paltrow is "cutting" some "hot tracks" in the studio, possibly for an album. Nothing could ever top the bunny-soft, bun-numbing pap-rock track "Cruisin'" she recorded with Huey Lewis. Why bother?

• Star Jones: FIRED from The View! Barbara Walters: BETRAYED! Joy Behar: GLEEFUL! Al Reynolds: Gay as a garden party! Us: bored and hungry. You got any Pop Tarts or Li'l Hugs?

• Jessica Simpson's new video involves Christina Applegate, Christina Milian, Eva Longoria, a terry-cloth romper, and roller skates. Sweet, it's just like the Dire Straits "Skateaway" video, only with famous broads. Yayyyy!

• Britney: evil purple sea witch? Yes.

• Well, Kate Beckinsale and her husband certainly look very together, after all.

• Lindsay says, "I did not have sexual intercourse with . . . that man. Mr. McFly."

• Someone stop Sharon Stone before she adopts again!  

Ohmigod! Kyra Sedgwick has turned into a vampire! And she's going to suck out all of Eva Longoria's blood and leave her for dead. Actually, we're pretty ok with that. Please proceed, Kyra. Wait, what's that you say? That's twenty-five-year-old Jessica Simpson, who as far as we know can let sunlight touch her skin, not forty-year-old Kyra Sedgwick preparing for her next role in an Anne Rice adaptation? Man, that girl's got problems.  

There is no rest for Eva Longoria! Desperate Housewives may be on haitus for the summer, but she's keeping busy writing her first book, which she calls an "erotic novel." Far be it from us to question self-obsessed television starlets' intelligence or wordpower, but it can be safely assumed that her book will read like Captain Underpants with more fellatio.  

Eva Longoria recently said that she and boyfriend Tony Parker (you know, the demi-virgin who's fumbly in the bedroom) need to "spiritually connect" every day. And much to the chagrin of her neighbors, they connect by banging a gong. Whether or not said gong-banging occurs in conjunction with getting it on is anyone's guess, but in certain circles, Eva is said to have a hubcap diamond star halo in addition to the blues in her shoes and her stockings.  

We would have thought that in a meeting of the minds between Jessica Simpson and Pam Anderson the result would pretty much be a draw. But, boy, did we overestimate Jessica Simpson's brain power. As our drunk, senile grandpa used to say, "She's dumber than a pocket full of rocks."  

• Teri Hatcher deems her toes and nipples "suck-worthy". Just like her acting!

• Evangeline Lilly blames Hollywood for forcing her to get really, really buff.

• IF you want Rod Stewart's daughter's naked bo-dy, AND you think she's sex-y, COME on sugar, click right here.

• Ashlee Simpson begins her slow, painful metamorphosis into her sister. First, the nose. Then comes the Jackass copulating.

• Anna Nicole Smith climbed on top of an 89-year-old man, placed his shriveled, liver spotted member into her person, and is probably getting a billion dollars for the trouble. Now, possibly some dude has mounted Anna Nicole's shriveled, Trimspa-ravaged body, placed his member inside her person, impregnated her, and wants the ca$h. Ah, the circle of life.

• Dunstcrack! Dunstcrack! Dunstcrack! Dunstcrack!!!

• Eva Longoria talks about getting naked or doing it or something like that. In related news, bear shits in woods, Pope wears funny hat, etc. etc.

• Denise Richards tries to shake off the shit-stink of husbandstealing assholism, turning the tables on Heather Locklear, saying, "Heather knows why we aren’t friends.” Which sounds suspiciously like the now-classic "Nicole knows what she did."

 

• Matthew McConaughey beat some rape charges. Which is actually kind of easy to do when your accuser is a foaming-at-the-mouth loonybird who claims she turned down MM's proposal of marriage while they were studying Scientology and then he tried to kill her after knocking her out with drugged milk.

• Paris Hilton knows when to hold 'em and fold 'em, but not when to walk away or run, so much.

• Mischa Barton wears lacy white panties. Tell your friends.

• Ashlee Simpson ponies up a little areola. Her yams look pretty nice. It's a shame about the makeup, though.

• We know Lohan gives Spuds McKenzie a run for his money in the "original party animal" category, but the fact that the cast of a show that works under cover of night, fueled on various stimulants, had to stage an intervention is just sad.

• Mandy Moore's parents were holed up in her basement, playing World of Warcraft and smoking bongs, posting on Doctor Who message boards and refusing to get jobs, so she kicked their lard asses to the damn curb.

• But y'all ain't mad at her, because look how adorable and precious she is! Awwwww. Mannnnndyyyy.

• If Tony Parker hadn't come along and made an honest woman out of Eva Longoria, she would have been straddling tables at nightclubs, inserting a Jeff Stryker Cock n' Balls into her netherholes instead of just talking about it.

• K-Hole asked for (and got) an epidural while crapping out Suri Cruise. Brutal, hateful, extra-long auditing session TK.  

Eva Longoria would like to thank her personal trainer for putting one inch of hard, quivering muscle into her butt. Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee.  

Yesterday, a herd of cows, a smattering of hogs, approximately 30 White Leghorn chickens, and 88 Blackheaded Somali sheep awoke from their slumber to find this terrifying crop circle in the middle of their farm:



Unfortunately, the livestock attempted to mate with the mysterious image and were run off the farm in emasculated shame after the crop circle told the media that "I'm the experienced one. I'm the teacher, especially about love. The cattle, pigs, poultry, and sheep? They've only been with one other person in their lives."  

Good news, Eva Longoria fans! Your heroine might find herself single quite soon, after outing her boyfriend as an inexperienced demivirgin in a national magazine.  

It's been a few hours since Eva Longoria has spoken publicly about ripping all the hairs out of her vulva or cramming vibrating phalluses into her cooze or branding her ladybusiness with the initials of her boyfriend, giant Tony Parker. We make no bones about our derision toward the pocket-sized primadonna, but when she starts blathering about having lezzie crushes on a bunch of famous broads, we're all rears! Or ears. Same thing.  

Eva Longoria nudity can be bought for the price of a couple of Zagnuts. Imagine what she'd pony up if you bought her the steak.  

• A surprise appearance by Mick Jagger causes a near-riot at his illegitimate son's grade school. Right, like Brazilian 6-year-olds know who the fuck Mick Jagger is.

• Most women look all glowy and happy and shiny and fresh when they're all knocked up. Gwyneth Paltrow? Ehhhhh, not so much.

• Thar she blows! A hump like a snowhill! It's Britney, breaching and proving that yes, the Murphy's Mart Five and Dime off Cub Run Highway in central Kentucky does, in fact, have a swimwear line!

• An Olsen twin with her right teat hanging out? HOW RUDE!

• PETA urges our vice president to shoot Eva Longoria in the face. Yes, you read that correctly.

• We're kind of grossing ourselves out over the fact that we think Avril Lavigne is suddenly utterly alluring.

• Betty White. Naked. Eh, she's no Rue McClanahan.

• Carmen Electra and Victoria Silvstedt fake make out, legions of dudes in fake tans and Gotti boy hairdos cream.

• Not satisfied with adopting needy children from across the Earth, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt branch out and adopt a beautiful new baby from the planet Owens-Corning and debut their new child in all her rosy, fluffy glory in Paris. Congrats to the new parents!  

Are you completely out of touch with the world? Are you still clinging to a stained and torn copy of 1987's JCPenney catalog, the lingerie section of which you have completely devoted to memory? Do you need new meat for your masturbatory fantasies? Ask Men is here for you, Mr. Stuck in the '80s Man, and has helpfully compiled a list of the 99 women you should most want to have sex with. And, no, the 17-year-old girl who works at KFC who kind of looks like your hot cousin isn't on it, you sick freak.  

• Posh Spice teaches us how to dress for seduction. Is the secret tan-in-a-can, fake lips like a couple of BMX tires, and robohooters? Because we're one step ahead of you, Posh.

• Posh is also planning on writing a children's book. Just as soon as she learns how to write.

• There are never enough headlines that include the words "Kate Beckinsale" and "ass".

• Wow. Sienna Miller's doing a really, really, really, really bad job of channeling Edie Sedgwick. Really bad.

• Eva Longoria and Jamie Foxx, also known as the two most irritatingly overrated stars in the cosmos, might have hooked up. Good. Maybe they'll fall in love and go live in the bottom of the sea somewhere.

• Drew Barrymore and her huge snoobs are awesome. Don't hate. Congratulate.

• Brad and Angelina's golden fetus says, "Does this ultrasound make me look fat?"

• You know it's a slow gossip day when this is the headline of the day.

• William Shatner's nugget of crystallized urine builds houses for the underprivileged. Yeah, you heard us.

• Howard Stern admits to having a little plastic surgery. We thought his tits were looking particularly fabulous lately.  

Remember long, long ago, way back in October, when we showed you some pictures of Eva Longoria with a dog biscuit in her bikini? What we didn't see was her boyfriend Tony Parker following suit, sporting a bone in his trunks.  

• Despite wasting away from Exhaustion, Colin Farrell somehow musters up the strength to swing one feeble, Irish fist and "fight off" the rumors that he OD'ed.

• Orlando Bloom is tactless. And Gwyneth Paltrow is heavy with baby, for real though.

• Die Hiltons!

• Die Hiltons stuff Santa's stocking with hard nipples and thongs, that is.

• And Heather Locklear says, "Hard nips? I'll show you hard nips, bitches. I was busting out the party hats before you were out of Luvs."

• Rod Stewart swears that his marriage to Penny Lancaster will last the rest of his life. The old guy's got about 6 good years left in him, so we'd say that's doable.

• Eva Longoria is a jolly clown.

• When the rich are launched into space, and aliens finally meet delegates of Earth, the first face upon which they will lay their cold, shiny black eyes will be that of . . . Victoria Principal?

 

She's back! Eva Longoria and her big ole horny mouth are back! No longer will we have to tap lesser stars of stage and screen to get our fill of gab involving lacy undertrimmings, reaching glorious sexual heights, and buzzy things that go up the poonjab, because the queen of TMI has once again turned on the tap and unleashed a veritable tsunami of verbal diarrhea. Sexy verbal diarrhea.  

1. Eva Longoria has mastered the art of subtlety. Dripping wet, holding a phallic object, with a bone coming out of your drawers? Just what is she trying to tell us?
2. Longoria also recently gave birth to a 6'2", 177 lb. baby boy in a large birthing pool. Mother and child are doing fine. Congrats, Eva!