• Matthew Broderick appears to have injured himself after falling off his wife.

• J. Lo es no preggo. "She is 100% not pregnant," says a rep, however, she is still 93% annoying.

• Tara Reid getting cockblocked from Hyde while Paris breezes right in = funny. The fact that the hottest club catering to young Hollywood is ironically blasting Kenny Loggins's "Footloose" = funnier.

• Lindsay Lohan changes her damn bikini almost as often as she changes her men.

• And speaking of Lindsay's wardrobe choices, she seems to have ditched the Kate Moss look and adopted a new fashion idol. The billowing, shapeless drawstring romper, the torpedo nips, the questionable footwear, the long, chalky black hair and the latte in hand . . . it's Britney all over again.

• Brad Pitt's parents were offended when, at Maddox Jolie-Pitt's birthday party, the elder Pitts were "the only ones not drinking." Including the 4-year-olds?

• Get Saved by the Buns when Mario Lopez (A.C. Slater) gets naked and homoerotic for Nip/Tuck.

• That Eminem boy has playdate with the little Girl Next Door, acts out, gets sent to the corner for a time out.

• Paris Hilton has been cast in a movie called The Hottie and the Nottie but keeps giving the thumbs down to potential leading men. An insider says, "A few [actors] have made it to a screen test with Paris but either the producers aren't happy or, more often, Paris has a problem with them. She is as picky with the men in her movies as she is in real life." AKA "not at all".  

Eminem is filing for divorce from wife Kim after 82 days of wedded bliss. So, she was his wife, then his ex-wife, then his ex-ex-wife-slash-wife. Now she's his estranged ex-ex-wife, and soon she will be his ex-ex-ex-wife, AKA his ex-wife to the second power.  

Awwww. Look at the photo from Enimem's January 14th wedding to ex-wife Kim Mathers.

That soft, sweetly faraway look in her eyes just says, "I'm serenely joyous to be marrying the one and only love of my life, my lover and best friend, my childhood sweetheart and father of my child. Blessed be!"

Oh, wait a second. No. No, the look in her eye actually says, "$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$".  

• Dirty Dancing's Patrick Swayze says he's experimenting with “rap rhythms as an emotional undercurrent for ballads.” That makes sense, since rap rhythms are a feeling; a heartbeat. Guh-gung. Guh-gung.

• Katie Holmes sez: "I won't wed 'til afterbirth!" God, that's sick! Oh, wait. That's "after birth".

• Still married to one nonfamous guy, Tori Spelling gets engaged to another. That means two men have willingly signed up to make Tori Spelling's vagina the only vagina in their lives forever and ever and ever. Our world, it is a sick and sad one.

• Unbearable douchelord Bono flirts with his own daughters, but at least saves the massive shagging for his wife only.

• Wipe that image out of your mind with some naked pictures of former supermodel/erstwhile Axl schtup-puppet Stephanie Seymour.

• Is Naomi Watts about to marry Liev Schreiber? Is she incubating his young? Is she going to don a bikini and bang Bond? Whowhatwherewhenwhyhowwhatwhatwhhhatttt???!?!?!?!?!

• Whatsa matta, Paris? Crabs gotcha down?

• Cindy Crawford's little son is totally in my face! Poor Maddox Jolie--replaced by a newer, hipper, younger, more attitude-y at age four.

• Keira Knightley's thong. Yup. It sure is.

• Eminem will make ex-wife Kim new wife Kim on January 14th. The invitation reads: "This day I will marry my best friend, the one I laugh with, live for, love." Guess "Sit down bitch/If you move again I'll beat the shit out of you" doesn't exactly scream "holy matrimony".  

• Christina Applegate's husband of four years, Jonathan Schaech, has filed for divorce. We looked him up on IMDb to see what he's done recently, only to find that he's been tapped to play Dalton in the sequel to Road House! Christina, are you crazy? You don't incur the wrath of James Dalton. He will rip your throat the hell out with his bare hands!

• Sienna Miller seems to be canoodling with everyone these days. Leo DiCaprio seems to be canoodling with everyone these days. Thus, it was only natural that these two master canoodlers would eventually canoodle their way into each other's cozy, canoodly arms.

• The photog who snapped the now infamous but as yet unseen topless photos of Jen Aniston speaks! And he drops a juicy little nugget in the process. Mee-yow!

• You know Eminem's ex-wife, Kim? The one he's threatened to murder? The one who's been jailed several times and was thrown out of rehab for blowing a teenage patient? Well, they're going to remarry. Now that's a terrific idea.

• Although Lindsay Lohan was struck down with food poisoning and unable to make it to her scheduled Regis and Kelly appearance, she looked fit as a fiddle a few hours later on TRL. It's a Christmas miracle!

• You'll get sprong for Famke Janssen's thong. Yeah, that was dumb. Like you could do better? Jerk.

• Brad Pitt faces a long hard road when it comes to adopting Angelina's wee babes . . . unless he marries her. My, how positively convenient.

• Mariah's wearing clams on her boobs, which kind of makes you wonder what she might be wearing on her clam.  

• We've been warning you for weeks now, but the day is upon us: the ill-famed Tom Sizemore sex tape is now available for your online perusal. It's here, it's real. Live it, love it, own it.

• Are Sienna and Jude finito for good? Reportedly, she's told him to take his little kitty dick and shove it. Forever.

• Crepey, arthritic, doddering geezers take note: yes, you have a shot with Jessica Alba!

• Yesterday, we were told that Eminem was cancelling his tour due to Exhaustion. Which means "drugs" or "eating disorder". Today, the former is confirmed.

• The first time Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell had sex, it was an alarming experience. Alarming! Guffaw!

• Are you there, Miss Cleo? It's me, Jennifer Aniston.

• Listen, we know Coq Rock. Coq Rock was a friend of ours. Slipknot, you're no Coq Rock.

• For the aging celebrity pedophile who has everything: a detachable nose.

 

• Christina Aguilera reaches out one manicured hand and gleefully sounds the death gong on Britney's career.

• Choo-choo! All aboard the Breakup Train 2k5! Keira Knightley and her arm candy split, and Sadie Frost cut her pet boy loose after she was awarded $10.5 million clams in her Jude Law divorce settlement. See ya, sucker!

• Mike Tyson: philosopher. Poet. Testicle-stomper.

• Now, don't you go gettin' yerself a swoll head, Paris. Having an imposter is a nice start, but you haven't truly arrived until you have your very own stalker.

• Walking in Memphis. Shot in Denver.

• Heidi Klum: pregnant, praying, licking? Whatta country!

• Eminem busts out his most hard-hitting lyrics yet!

 

Grumpy white rapper Eminem may need to reexamine his own homophobic lyrics after reportedly dropping £60,000 on cosmetics during a recent trip to London. Cheers, Marshall, you've officially out-metrosexualed David Beckham!