• Elle Macpherson's still got it! Believe the hype, feel the magic, catch the wave, etc., etc.

• Anna Nicole sold the video of her C-section to Entertainment Tonight for $1 million. OK, so for those who like to keep count: she sold the last pictures of her with her son, she sold the pictures of her "commitment ceremony" to lawyer/barnacle Howard K. Stern, she sold the (incredibly bloody and brutal) video of her baby's birth. Next on the auction block: the baby.

• Moby hopes that if and when he has children, they will turn out gay. Gay children everywhere are hoping that if and when they are sired, it won't be to Moby.

• Ryan Phillippe says, in regards to rumors that he cheated on Reese Witherspoon, “I’m not a perfect person, but I’m not guilty of a lot of the things I have been accused of.” He's not guilty of a lot of those things. Just a bunch of them. A passel, if you will.

• Lindsay Lohan has been rear-ended. Has she ever!

• Sienna Miller gets revenge on Pittsburgh by showing her boobs. That'll learn 'em.

• Jordan (sweet, sweet Jordan) says that husband Peter Andre's past as a schtupper of tramps makes her sick. Apparently, she feels fine about him being a present schtupper of one tramp.

• Jessica Simpson makes with the cleavage; jazz hands.

 

• FemaleFirst reports that Nicole Kidman used "the F-word". Oh, but they meant "fiancé!" Awwwww, ha ha ha ha, that was so clever! You really had us going there, FemaleFirst!

• Debra Wilson from Mad TV shows off her comedic chops. And by "comedic chops" we mean "tits".

• Barbra Streisand gets on the guest list at your local Loews.

• Carmen Electra hates herself for lovin' Joan Jett. Can't break free from the things that she . . . doan . . . dett? Eh, we suck.

• Janice Dickinson: genius of our time.

• Elle MacPherson loves to have loads and loads of casual sex. Just not with you. You fat loser.

• Light-filled goddess from heaven Mandy Moore denies cherry-poppage at the hands and wang of Fez. Wouldn't you?

• Is J. Lo preg. o?

• Speaking of cherries, The Virgin Adriana Lima is a punchy little firecracker. We got a little something that would chill her right out. Yeeeeah, that's right. A little somethin' in our pants, if you dig what we're saying. It's a packet of chamomile tea and a fizzy bath bomb in our pocket. They're great for de-stressing!  

The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Merely uttering those five tiny words causes uncontrollable priapism in roughly 82.647% of the population (we counted). Each year, bright-eyed, rosy-cheeked innocents across this great nation race to the mailbox or to their local Waldenbooks, nether regions all atingle, gasping, "Who made the cover? Who made the cover? Who made the cover?" As it turns out, this year, everyone made the cover.


No, really. We're not being cute. Everybody's on the cover.  

• Katie Holmes: putting the "tard" in "unitard".

• Penelope Cruz dons the itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow bikini, sans polka dots.

• Reese was like "OMG I totes slept through the Oscar noms cuz I sooo don't care, whateverrrrr, tee hee hee" and then Heath and Michelle were all "Oh like us too, that illegitimate baby of ours can be a real shit so we were catching some Z's and like we got nominated and didn't even know it cuz we are sooo coooool LOL" and then we were like, "shut up, asswipes."

• Elle MacPherson toasts her tater tots in the sun. Again. Plus bonus Kylie Minogue shots (maybe old, but those breasts look perfectly healthy and cancer-free to us).

• Love is blind. Really, really, really blind: Zach Braff and Mandy Moore to wed.

• Crazy, cardboard-colored, bewigged Jordan is going to update her tits, trading her 32FFs for a more "pert" pair, and selling the old ones on eBay (natch). "I've had them eight years now," she says of her old pair. That's like 48 in fake tit years.

• Lisa Loeb ponies up a little bra to match the thong. Either she's really desperate for attention or she just likes to show off her underoos. Either way, you have an erection.  

Charity is cool. Giving is cool. Not just because such a thing offers a chance for us all to feel warm n' fuzzy and/or superior when we fork over some dough to help people, and not just because of those nifty tax deductions, but because very nice-looking famous ladies often get naked in the name of charity.  

Colin Farrell is not the cocksman he was a mere year or two ago. Gone are the days of spending leisurely afternoons being fed grapes by four Eastern European supermodels while Lindsay Lohan suckled his toes and Angelina Jolie performed a lap dance. Now he can't even get 70-year-old crones to bang him.  

Check out some topless pictures of Elle MacPherson, in which she shows off the fact that, at age 42 and after hatching two children, she still looks better than 99.783% of the world's population.