• Kirsten Dunst's teatlets meet a lace-paneled dress, peekaboo nippage ensues. The pictures are old, but so are you, geezer.

• John Mayer and Jessica Simpson are together again, naturally. Even though they say they weren't together in the first place. But they are now. Probably. Eh.

• Well, we had the dubious honor of viewing the Screech sex tape yesterday. What can we say about it? He refers to himself in the third person, as "the D Man", he is more interested in the various edibles the ladies have around their hotel room than their vaginas, and the first 15 minutes consist of Dustin and his lady in a bubble bath, discussing the finer points of 24. Fleshbot has their own review. And screencaps.

• Agent Scully had a baby! And despite her insistence that the child was sired by boyfriend Clyde Klotz, her ex-husband Julian Ozanne is demanding a paternity test. So we can find out it's half-alien. And then Mulder will watch porn and there will be sexual tension, etc.

• Australian Holly Valance's nipple boomerangs out of her swimsuit. Crikey!

• Keira Knightley is engaged to her actor arm candy Rupert Friend. Can you imagine calling up your parents and saying, "Mom, Dad, I am going to be Mrs. Rupert Friend"? And then your parents would howl with laughter and say, "Sure, and I'm about to marry Nigel Sparkleshowers! Ahahahaha! His best man will be Cecil Rhys-Babybunnybottom! Hahahahaha!"

• Penelope Cruz half naked for Pirelli. Why are you still reading this?

• Janet Jackson has made whoopee on a plane. In her seat. Surrounded by passengers. And peanuts. And crying babies. And manhandled issues of Flight magazine. And the heady stench of impeding fiery death. Anyone else have a boner right now?

• Will Smith says that he and Jada are homeschooling their children, because history and dates aren't important, and anything of consequence you need to know, like for example how to fly a space shuttle, can be found in books. So if you see a couple of confused children wandering around Hollywood, scratching their asses and crying because they don't know how to find bus fare or talk to non-Cruises, but do know how to commandeer a submarine, they would be the Smith progeny.  

Christmas is coming (haw) and if you're in a quandry in regards to what to stuff in the stockings of various family members, might we suggest a new, shrinkwrapped copy of Saved by the Smell, the soon-to-be-released sex tape featuring Dustin "Screech" Diamond, his rumored long dong, a couple of dames, and a schmear of feces on someone's upper lip? This tape has been an object of much excitement around the CNW offices, and now a brand new "trailer" has been released here. No storied wang, but we do get to hear Screech utter the phrases "the D-Man" and "the brotherhood of the bros" and see a couple of ladies crack snacking. However, the part that interests us the most is the ad below the video player touting a "discrete adult shop". A porn store involving no calculus whatsoever? Sign us up!  

Yesterday we brought you the tale of Screech and the Dirty Sanchez. Today TMZ has tape. Of course the clip they have is so tame even the word "poop" is censored. But there is a shot of Dustin Diamond in a candle-lit bubble bath to get your panties creaming. Or your bile bubbling. Whichever.
 

As the celebrity-sex-tape market gets glutted, our sensitivities become numb. Scott Stapp and Kid Rock getting blown by groupies while bro-ing down backstage? Eh, kind of gross. O.J. Simpson getting nasty on tape and letting his conquest get away alive? Mildly shocking. But not since we were subjected to Chyna's engorged clitoris/teeny teeny weenis have we been so frightened by the prospect of seeing a "celebrity" getting their nuts toasted on camera. And just why are we so frightened, you ask? Because of these five words: Dustin Diamond, threeway, dirty sanchez.  

• Vida Guerra displays her ripe rump for mateworthy males in Playboy.

• Daryl Hannah "arrested for farm protest"? What the . . . ? What kind of sick person protests farming?

• Ashlee Simpson's in the new issue of Marie Claire talking about how women should embrace themselves no matter what size or shape and love their flaws. Accompanied by a nice pictorial spread of her showing off her new rhinoplasty, collagen-infused lips, and cantaloupe diet waistline.

• The other day, Britney, Kevin and Federspears the Younger were photographed together for the first time since March. Oh, they're definitely a loving couple fully committed to one another. We're convinced now.

• Paris and Lindsay fight over Stamos Nachos. They just can't get enough of his warm, cheesy goodness.

• Heather Mills McCartney, soon to be defrocked and downgraded to "Just Plain Heather Mills but a $200 million richer Heather Mills so f u very much", makes viewers sing, "Hey Boob/Don't be a prude/Take some naked pics/And make wangs bigger".

• Some kids like football, some kids like video games, some kids like Legos. Pam Anderson's sons' favorite toy is her stripper pole.

• Brittany Murphy may be tinier than a baby flea, but her rack can compete with the best of them.

• You know what isn't tiny? Screech from Saved by the Bell's weenis.

• Jennifer Aniston's got pokies. And she knows how to use 'em.