Pamela Anderson has confirmed that she has had a miscarriage. We've been sitting here for nearly an hour trying to think of a way to make a ha-ha without sounding like unsympathetic a-holes, to no avail. Luckily the funny wrote itself: Turns out Pam's tragedy was the impetus for Denise Richards beaning a wheelchair-bound septuagenarian with her Vaio. Yay!  

All those set-up photo ops of Denise Richards grocery shopping with her kids and playing at the park and looking all, "I'm just a small-town girl, I didn't understand that cocaine use and hooker humping were bad qualities in a husband, I thought they were funny Hollywood words for baking cookies and giving massages" are going to go to waste. No one will believe her innocent-soccer-mom schtick once they learn she's just another cocksucker-calling, computer-throwing, granny-injuring Hollywood hothead. Just like all the rest of them.  

Denise Richards has taken some time out from her busy best-friend-husband-stealing and Sheen-avoiding schedule to pose naked for next month's issue of Jane magazine. To prepare for the bare-all shoot, Denise says that she did not embark on any sort of special exercise regimen, nor did she diet. In fact, according to the star, "I ate my face off." While it's true that when an exceedingly attractive star poses in the raw, the area one's attention is most likely to be focused upon is her body, no one wants to see said star with a perfect, oiled-up physique topped off by the raw, featureless, ragged and bloody flesh revealed after she consumed her own mug.  

If you're Denise Richards and you desperately--desperately--want the media to leave you alone and let you live your more-dramatic-than-a-day-in-Port-Charles life, what do you do? Pack up the kids and hide out at a luxury spa in Saskatchewan? Or get engaged to your also-still-legally-married boyfriend and then dress up like a transvestite hooker and prance around a Las Vegas stage with other similarly-clad "women"? We're gonna have to go with the latter.  

Contrary to popular reports stating otherwise, the romance between Wild Thing Denise Richards and aging craprocker Richie Sambora is still on--they are presently kissing and getting sunburned together in Italy. And Heather Locklear is reportedly so steamed that she pulled a mean-spirited Lloyd Dobbler on Denise.  

When Wilmer Valderrama went on Howard Stern and rated all the famous trim he'd had the pleasure of Fezzing over the years, everybody rolled their eyes. Just another sad little tiny-crotched rooster fluffing up his feathers and waggling his sad little comb. After all, playing a lisping foreign dude on a dead-horse FOX show, doing a guest spot on Grounded for Life, and providing voice talent for Clifford's Really Big Movie is hardly the stuff of legend. But when that handsome John Stamos followed suit, we had to give the ol' thumbs up and appreciate the new trend of celebrity boff bragging for what it is: the closest any of us will ever come to sleeping with the likes of Rebecca Romijn.  

• Teri Hatcher deems her toes and nipples "suck-worthy". Just like her acting!

• Evangeline Lilly blames Hollywood for forcing her to get really, really buff.

• IF you want Rod Stewart's daughter's naked bo-dy, AND you think she's sex-y, COME on sugar, click right here.

• Ashlee Simpson begins her slow, painful metamorphosis into her sister. First, the nose. Then comes the Jackass copulating.

• Anna Nicole Smith climbed on top of an 89-year-old man, placed his shriveled, liver spotted member into her person, and is probably getting a billion dollars for the trouble. Now, possibly some dude has mounted Anna Nicole's shriveled, Trimspa-ravaged body, placed his member inside her person, impregnated her, and wants the ca$h. Ah, the circle of life.

• Dunstcrack! Dunstcrack! Dunstcrack! Dunstcrack!!!

• Eva Longoria talks about getting naked or doing it or something like that. In related news, bear shits in woods, Pope wears funny hat, etc. etc.

• Denise Richards tries to shake off the shit-stink of husbandstealing assholism, turning the tables on Heather Locklear, saying, "Heather knows why we aren’t friends.” Which sounds suspiciously like the now-classic "Nicole knows what she did."

 

First, Charlie Sheen threatened to kill her. Now, Heather Locklear claims "You no longer exist to me. It's like you've died." Wow, this whole "accuse your husband of kiddie porn and hookers, then take out a restraining order" plea for public sympathy Denise Richards is pulling doesn't exactly seem to be working out for her too well. When the public opts to side with Charlie Sheen-CHARLIE SHEEN, PEOPLE--over the pretty lady from Wild Things, you know you're pretty much an asshole.  

If one is looking to reconcile with his wife, there are many things one can say to her. Like, "Honey, I love you. Let's work things out, for the sake of our children." Or, perhaps the doghoused man could take a page from the lyric book of soft pop hitmaker of yore Dan Hill: "Can't we try just a little bit harder? Can't we give just a little bit more?" It's also helpful to use a gentle tone and toss out a few compliments; "beautiful angel from heaven", "sweetie", and "goddess of wifely love" are good ones to try. Charlie Sheen is a different mammal, though. Apparently, he thinks the way to win back his expecting wife is to call her "piece of shit fucking liar", "pregnant cunt", "fucking creep", and, even more bafflingly, "dick face".  

Last Friday morning, Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen were just another Hollywood couple dissolving their marriage, sorting out their assets, and figuring out custody arrangements. No big whoop. Today, Denise is a woman who has taken out a restraining order on her estranged husband and accused him of boffing hookers, gambling while she was giving birth, and looking at pornography that might just be pedophilic and/or gay in nature. Ah, what a difference a weekend makes.  

• Jermaine Dupri says that his girlfriend Janet Jackson purposely got all lumpy and lardy for an indie film role that fell through. We're totally stealing that excuse.

• Don't fuck with Reese Witherspoon. Unless you're into dying.

• Kate Moss proves that supermodels actually have brains!

• She also proves she has a nipple. Again.

• Heather Locklear allegedly was prompted to file for divorce when she discovered some racy emails and provocative pictures some dame had sent to her husband. Damn you, MySpace!!!

• Denise Richards recently got an AIDS test, her fears reportedly sparked after discovering that now-estranged husband Charlie Sheen paid for an "army of hookers". Soon to be deployed to Iraq?

• In case you were wondering, Fergie is still fergly.

• This guy's Maddox Jolie tattoo actually makes us feel pretty good about the fact that we have Isabella Cruise's face inked on our ass.

• Mandy Moore kissed Sarah Chalke on Scrubs. We're not going to make a joke here, because fake lesbian kisses on the television are serious, serious business.

• Val Kilmer has gotten so terribly corpulent that he actually tried to eat Paris Hilton!

• Luckily, she escaped and was able to safely slip nip yet again.

 

Surprise! It hookers seems that hookers Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards hookers are going ahead with hookers their divorce. We hookers have absolutely no hookers idea why hookers their marriage hookers didn't work out. Hookers.  

• Bai Ling wants to marry her boyfriend, Backstreet Boy/Hilton slugger Nick Carter. Please, God. We don't ask for much. But we're begging and pleading here. Let this union happen. Oh, the stories we would write! And the pictures! My God! The pictures!

• Another clip of Kelly Brook's two in Three.

• Despite being a boozy druggie and cramming his weenis into hookers, Charlie Sheen has been taken back by his estranged wife, Denise Richards. Welp, good luck with that.

• She's alive! A Natasha Lyonne sighting is like catching a glimpse of mythical cobbler elves. Only crackier.

• Hey, look. Naked supermodel.

• We're, like, 50 billion days late on this, but Vincent Gallo has put his sperm up for sale. Perhaps Rod Stewart/Danny Wood/George Michael can buy a gallon of it, get their stomachs pumped, and make that urban legend a reality.

 

• There's an old man sitting next to me, makin' love to his tonic and Pledge: Billy Joel starts the fire--in his liver!--by swigging some furniture polish, once.

• Steve "Alan Partridge" Coogan finally admits that his fabled hookup with Courtney Love is actually 80% true. Does that mean she's 80% pregnant?

• Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen's baby daughter Sam is TOTALLY X-TREEEEEEM!!!!

• Pictures of Demi Moore marrying a gay Miamian gangster from 1944. And what's up with that cake?

• Carmen Electra screaming racial epithets = the happiest eight days of Dennis Rodman's life. Huh?

• One of the hottest not-yet-legal stars around is about to bare ass in a highly anticipated film. Oh, put your damn boners away; it's Harry Potter.  

You didn't really believe all that jibba-jabba about "irreconcilable differences", did you? Charlie Sheen: once a gambling hooker-humper, always a gambling hooker-humper.  

OK, that's it. We've had it. Don't you think the bust-up of the Pitt power couple was enough for one year? Our fragile psyches really can't take anymore breakups of the rich and beautiful, yet now we're told the preggers Denise Richards is divorcing Charlie Sheen? I mean, what the fuck? You can't do this to us, Denise Richards. We refuse to accept this. You just march yourself right on over to your lawyer's office and you just rip those divorce papers right up. Go on now. Chop chop.  

Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards have gone and done it again. And by "it" I mean "it"! That means SEXUAL INTERCOURSE! Guys, they made another baby!!!