Generally we here at CelebNewsWire pride ourselves on being pervier than your average bear. But what we're about to discuss is possibly the sickest, most pervalicious subject we have ever broached. Those faint of heart may want to loosen their corsets and position themselves betwixt the fainting couch and a big, strong man of marriageable age and proper breeding. As we speak wee twelve-year-old tyke Dakota Fanning is filming a new film. A film that already calls for cries of "Oscar!" A film that involves Dakota getting raped and appearing on celluloid in some still undetermined state of undress.  

• Brad Pitt has been diagnosed with viral meningitis. Whatever. We still think cuz got the dysentery.

• The Butterscotch Stallion develops a taste for chocolate.

• Hey, Scarlett. Why don't you take a fricking picture, it'll last longer.

• We have trouble believing that even the most desperate kiddiefucker in a roving gang of Hollywood pedophiles would be hard up enough to want to molest Corey Feldman.

• Meee-yow! Anna Nicole, you delicious bitch!

• Tom Cruise gives his 11-year-old costar Dakota Fanning a cell phone. Now he can beam Scientology propaganda directly into her easily-molded young brain, and she can call her coke dealer without being hassled by the 'rents. Everybody wins!

• You Know It's a Slow Gossip Day When: Angela Lansbury's knee surgery makes top headlines. Godspeed, Mrs. Potts!