Someday you will ache like I ache . . . in the crotch!



It's Courtney Love naked in Pop magazine!  

Because we know that you were sitting around this morning sipping your Buckies and scratching your ass, thinking, "What of Courtney Love's nether regions? Have they been visited by a male suitor in recent months?" we will provide you with the knowledge which you seek: C.Love's getting about as much dick as Katie Holmes.  

While we commend Courtney Love for seemingly pulling herself together, selling off part of the Nirvana catalog and assumedly not spending the profit on drugs, and no longer looking like this:

we are saddened by the downward spiral of her romantic life. Once engaged to occasional hottie and all-around success Edward Norton, C.Love has fallen to near Mischa Barton levels on the celebrity hook-up scale. She's now reportedly accepting hot beef injections from this guy:

Yes, that is indeed rotund, meat-accessorized (married) celebrity chef Mario Batali. What's the deal, Courtney, did Val Kilmer turn you down?  

Here at CelebNewsWire we love it when stories come in bundles. There was the glorious shark week of 2005 that found Jessica Alba and Nicolette Sheridan braving icy waters to save errant bathers from the finned menace. And now we've got Keira Knightley and Courtney Love proving that old Hollywood glamour is truly dead--one f-bomb at a time.  

Grow yourself a soul patch, yell "talk to the hand!" and prepare to Rock the Vote because the '90s are back! Beavis and Butt-head is out on DVD, Mariah Carey is still cranking out the hits, and Courtney Love is showing her vagina onstage. Again. And, for extra special 1994 authenticity, it's unwaxed.  

From the "Say! That's a Swell Idea" files: Lindsay Lohan, Kate Moss, and Courtney Love are reportedly going on vacation together. Some jokes don't even need punchlines.  

Has your life been unnecessarily devoid of bottle hurling, panty flashing, and breast pinching lately? Well, put down those booties you've been crocheting and get ready to have some fun: Courtney Love has been released from rehab.  

• There's an old man sitting next to me, makin' love to his tonic and Pledge: Billy Joel starts the fire--in his liver!--by swigging some furniture polish, once.

• Steve "Alan Partridge" Coogan finally admits that his fabled hookup with Courtney Love is actually 80% true. Does that mean she's 80% pregnant?

• Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen's baby daughter Sam is TOTALLY X-TREEEEEEM!!!!

• Pictures of Demi Moore marrying a gay Miamian gangster from 1944. And what's up with that cake?

• Carmen Electra screaming racial epithets = the happiest eight days of Dennis Rodman's life. Huh?

• One of the hottest not-yet-legal stars around is about to bare ass in a highly anticipated film. Oh, put your damn boners away; it's Harry Potter.  

• The fatcats behind Jessica Alba's recent movies have messed with perfection. They must pay. Oh, wait, they made her boobs BIGGER? Oh. Carry on.

• Is Gwyneth Paltrow with child again? If true, congrats! And welcome, little Pomegranate Martin!

• Lara Flynn Boyle's lips just keep getting more blown up. That's bad. But the rest of her anatomy is blowing up too, and that's good. Food is nice. And see-through dresses? Also nice.

• Ghandi is the new Kabbalah! Not only did Tara Reid's tit shoot the wizened old fossil, his teachings are comforting Jennifer Aniston in her time of need. Sorry, Vince Vaughn: apparently, Jen finds nonviolence and the wearing of loosely-draped diapers far sexier than the likes of you, champ.

• Jennifer Garner is having a baby girl. We guess that means Ben Affleck is having a baby girl, too. We have no opinion in regards to this information, so do with it what you like.

• Courtney Love: dosed with acid at age four! Therapy at six! Porno at nine! Swearing off letting homeless men suck her cans outside of Wendy's! Stars: they're just like US! Only not. At all.

• Damage control spins into overdrive! After being dropped as the face of Chanel, H&M, et al, Kate Moss has checked her bony ass into rehab. With the stink of scandal wafting off her, Moss will be lucky if she can land a deal as the face of Generra or Fashion Bug now.  

And speaking of both Courtney Love and breast fondling, the still rehab bound bag of crazy is being sued for attacking a woman. Unfortunately this is not a new incident, so images of Love prancing around in a flimsy hospital gown and attacking an unsuspecting nurse while going through withdrawal will have to be labeled and stored away for inevitable use sometime in the near future.  

We find Courtney Love so fascinating that she can even cause us to be interested in British people. Especially when she’s begging one of them for lesbian sex.  

Courtney Love is crazy. And full of the drugs. And carrying a dorky little demon child. And broke. So really, it sucks to be her.  

The denials have begun! The statement has been released! C-Lo's peeps say, on the record: "Courtney Love wishes to make it clear that she denies recent stories suggesting she is pregnant or has had a relationship with Steve Coogan. She confirms that she and Steve are good friends and have met a few times in Los Angeles." But please, this is Courtney Love we're talking about, and the madcappery doesn't end there, ladies and germs . . .  

Oh, Courtney. Back in rehab and claiming to be the pod incubating Steve Coogan's pea? For shame. Why can't you clean up? Why can't you be more like that nice Natasha Lyonne girl? Oh, wait.  

Pamderson wasn't the only lady looking indecent and/or immoral at her Roast the other night. Her new BFF Courtney Love was there, demonstrating that she is not, as she has insisted lo, these many months, clean and sober, and tried desperately to bring some hole to the Friar's Club stage.

And no, we're not talking about her band.  

Courtney Love was rushed to the hospital last night after "feeling faint". Diagnosis: acute lack of smack!  

• The plot thickens: Jude Law allegedly asked nanny Daisy Wright for a threesome. She turned him down, because she's "not that type of girl." She is, however, the type of girl who will have sex with her engaged movie-star employer. But you have to draw a line somewhere.

• Malcolm in the Marriage!

• Pamela Anderson to marry Tommy Lee a third time? Even Liz Taylor wasn't THAT stupid.

• Pam's also helping Courtney Love get into shape. BFF! After working out, the pair like to do each other's nails, have pillow fights, and call boys they like and hang up.

• Rob Thomas "can't remember the first two years of Matchbox Twenty" because he was so coked up. If only the rest of us were so lucky.

• Desperate Housewives creator vows to write "fantastic scenes" for Eva Longoria, hoping to help her nab some awards. We hope "fantastic scenes" means "naked scenes". And that "awards" means "naked awards".

• James Gandolfini angrily smashed his fist through glass on the Sopranos set. He then pulled out a gun and shot the glass, tied it to a couple of cinder blocks, and threw it in the East River.

 

Join us, if you will, for a trip in the Way-Back Machine, to a simpler time. A time when Miami Sound Machine and Taylor Dayne ruled our airwaves, a time before America's innocence was lost on 9/11, a time when a very young and pre-Hole Courtney Love still had, for the most part, the face and body she was born with. A face and body that she jiggled onstage at L.A.'s notorious burlesque joint, Jumbo's Clown Room. Pics after the jump, kiddies!  

Is there anything Courtney Love hasn't done? She's been a junkie, a stripper, the wife of a millionaire, and portrayed the junkie stripper wife of a millionaire pornographer. And now she's playing a porn star in an upcoming movie? That is crazy! Seriously! Cuckoo bananas! Nuts!