After the great Jude Law Nanny-Diddling of '05, having sex with the hired sitter of one's children became terribly passé. But Colin Farrell, with his George Michael facial hair spume and totally sweet tribal tats, pays no mind to the sexual trends of the day, and recently plowed his way through Woody Allen's French au pair with little finesse. If only he had heeded the example set by Law, he would have known that although nannyjuice might be the sweetest, these kindly caregivers sing like canaries to the British press when tossed aside.  

• Heidi Klum impregnated by Seal; expecting another flipper baby.

• Posh Spice to become godmother to Ginger Spice's baby daughter, Bluebell Spice. That's nice. When Bluebell needs advice on bulimia, tanning beds, and how to be a good trophy wife, she'll have a wealth of information at her fingertips.

• Yet MORE Toni Braxton nipples. You can put those things away now, honey.

• Nicole Kidman sends a case of beer to the paparazzi. We assume the reason for this was so that they wouldn't notice that her face has been freshly pulled, drawn up and over the back of her skull, and tacked into place for her upcoming nuptials.

• Robert Evans divorcing. Seventh time ain't the charm, apparently.

• Tera Patrick pics from FHM magazine. Which must stand for Fricking Humpable Mams.

• SNL's Andy Samberg gets Dunsted!

• Jen Love Hewitt's hugetits strapped in by nothing but a flimsy . . . Yoko Ono shirt?

• Michelle Rodriguez dreams of a relationship with Colin Farrell, but sadly, it can never be. Because he's not a girl.  

• Jennifer Aniston is moving to Chicago. We can't wait to run into her in the health and beauty aisle at Jewel!

• Piper Perabo lowers herself to date former pill-popper/Friends friend Matthew Perry. Move over TomKat and Brangelina, here's . . . Pipthew Perrybo?

• Our #1 deity, Mariah Carey, teams up with Snoop, shoots a video, mounts a mesa of Vuitton luggage, wears very little clothing.

• Salma Hayek chortles when confronted with Colin Farrell's weenis. Understandable.

• Portman pokies, redux!

• If your daughter were Tori Spelling, wouldn't you sue her too? Just for fun?

• K-Fed hates the Pavarotti, loves his kids and wife, raps about it in hot new tune on MySpace. This one's for the haters. Fuck the media.

• Pink's special surprise for her husband is reportedly a "12ft pole to be erected in her dressing room". But the bigger surprise is that said pole is being erected in her pants! Because she's a man, see.

• Aerosmith's Steven Tyler is about to undergo surgery for an "undisclosed medical condition". Lip reduction? Eyeliner tattoos? Scarfectomy?  

Hey, so there's this new movie coming out, see, and it stars Colin Farrell and Salma Hayek, see, and they both get totally naked, see? Do you like that we included a naked boy with our usual naked girl story? We here at Celebnewswiredotcom are equal opportunity nudie exploiters. And that is why we're your valentine. Here, have a heart-shaped Russell Stover sampler.  

When you arrived home from work last night we bet you cracked open a can of Fancy Feast for Mr. Winkles, popped a Lean Cuisine entree into the microwave for yourself, and then got on the internet and went directly to DirtyColin.com with hopes of filling your long evening with nothing but Alexander cock. And when you got there you waited . . . and waited . . . and waited . . . and nothing happened. You never got a peek at Colin's Dirk Diggler dick. And then you cried.  

• Despite wasting away from Exhaustion, Colin Farrell somehow musters up the strength to swing one feeble, Irish fist and "fight off" the rumors that he OD'ed.

• Orlando Bloom is tactless. And Gwyneth Paltrow is heavy with baby, for real though.

• Die Hiltons!

• Die Hiltons stuff Santa's stocking with hard nipples and thongs, that is.

• And Heather Locklear says, "Hard nips? I'll show you hard nips, bitches. I was busting out the party hats before you were out of Luvs."

• Rod Stewart swears that his marriage to Penny Lancaster will last the rest of his life. The old guy's got about 6 good years left in him, so we'd say that's doable.

• Eva Longoria is a jolly clown.

• When the rich are launched into space, and aliens finally meet delegates of Earth, the first face upon which they will lay their cold, shiny black eyes will be that of . . . Victoria Principal?

 

When we woke up this morning, rubbed the crust from our eyes, fired up the computing machine, and saw the headline "Farrell Treated for Exhaustion and Medication Dependency", we audibly gasped. "No!" we wailed, tearing at our hair, "Not cuddly funnyman Will Ferrell, American family man and star of such modern comedy classics as Elf and Anchorman!" Then we saw that it was an "a", not an "e", that it was actually Colin Farrell being treated for being a druggie, and we went, "eh," and made a Pop Tart and some Quik.  

Remember when people used to pay attention to Colin Farrell and his caddish Irish bad-boy antics? When all anybody could talk about for awhile there was the supposed hugeness of his wiener and which super famous hot celebrity he was luring into his love chamber? Well, those days are over. Now poor Colin can’t even score with a couple of people willing to pick up a drunken hitchhiker.  

We’re all for charity. Just yesterday we gave a hundred bucks to the Save the Unicorns Foundation (despite friends and family trying to convince us that neither unicorns nor the Foundation are real things). But why on earth would someone spend thousands of dollars for an evening with Colin Farrell or Paris Hilton? 1 Night in Paris only costs $19.95 and you can spend every night for the rest of your life with it.  

We haven’t yet adequately expressed our deep love and admiration for Anna Nicole Smith. Anyone who has read her column in The National Enquirer knows why she is so loved. Part of it is written by her dog, for Liberace’s sake. Mariah Carey may just have to scooch over on that pedestal we erected (hehe, erected!) for her and make room for Anna Nicole. And if Anna Nicole succeeds in her quest to get Colin Farrell to give her a private screening of his sex tape, Mariah’s gonna have to get caught in a threeway with Paris Hilton and Tinkerbell to regain the top spot in our hearts.  

• Colin Farrell gets restraining order against Nicole Narain--he's afraid that pesky sex tape will harm his "reputation and career". His reputation is that of a serial ass-tapper; his last movie was Alexander. Dude has nowhere to go but up.

• Joss Stone has a bum double in a Gap advert? Why, we're bloody gutted over the news! Pip, pip! Tut, tut! Tally ho!

• Scotty's remains are going to be beamed up FOR REAL.

• Journalists dish all: Tom Cruise is creepy, Catherine Zeta-Jones is as dumb as a turd, Andy Garcia is a big fat ugmo, and MORE!

• Angelina and new baby Zahara enjoy a day out; Maddox deemed "too old", forced to stay home in a closet, eating bread crusts.

• If you're friends with Gwen Stefani, you may just find your cute outfit being knocked off, churned out by Chinese orphans and mass-marketed.

• Tom and Katie "can't wait for a baby!" Problem is, they have no idea how you make one.

• Um, hi, celebrities? Yeah, hi, it's us. Listen, guys, could you be a little more exciting? I mean, we don't want to have to do the CNW Junk Drawer every single day because you give us nothing to write about. The Jude Law nannyfucking was a great start . . . maybe you could all be a little more like Jude? Like, just start grabbing asses, or make out with Erik Estrada at a party, or buy a gun and wave it around. Scream, shout, piss on a wall with abandon! Anything! Please! Love, Your Friends at CelebNewsWire.  

For the moment, legendary Hollywood greasewad/cocksman Colin Farrell has cast aside his dreams of boffing an octogenarian to concentrate on more important things, like preventing his sex tape with Playboy Playmate Nicole Narain from seeing the light of day. 158% of heterosexual men would be awfully proud of such a tape, so one can only assume that Mr. Farrell posesses something that he doesn't want the public to see. Like a vestigial tail. Or a Wham! tattoo. Not that we know anything about Wham! tattoos or anything. God, we fucking miss Andrew Ridgeley.  

Colin Farrell is not the cocksman he was a mere year or two ago. Gone are the days of spending leisurely afternoons being fed grapes by four Eastern European supermodels while Lindsay Lohan suckled his toes and Angelina Jolie performed a lap dance. Now he can't even get 70-year-old crones to bang him.  

Dessarae Bradford is a queen; a goddess walking amongst mortals. We read her classic tome I Fu*ked Alec Baldwin In His A*s, and we laughed, we cried. The accomplished author has penned a new self-published masterpiece, Colin Farrell: A Dark Twisted Puppy, about her claims that the filthy Irish actor is stalking her. We say "claims", because Ms. Bradford failed a lie detector test in regards to her Farrell adventures. If this woman doesn't have her own VH1 reality show by the end of next week, I'll eat my hat.  

Probably Oscar winner and definite Golden Globe winner Jamie Foxx claims that he and Colin Farrell will be the envy of all mankind when their big-screen adaptation of Miami Vice hits theaters next year. Yes! The envy of all mankind!  

And the repulsive, crabs-riddled Colin Farrell train just keeps a-rollin'. Now he's being sued by a phone sex operator who is suffering from "mental anguish" after the Alexander star plagued her with over 500 text messages and filthy phone calls. Let's take a step back and think about that for a second. A phone sex operator is suing a client over inappropriate behavior. Seriously, think about that.  

Right now, Lindsay Lohan and Colin Farrell are simultaneously receiving fruit baskets from gossip columnists across the planet. Because, as rumor has it, they're DOING IT.  

Gretchen Mol puts it all on the Page, Dennis Quaid drops trou, and Angelina yanks Colin's crank. Read on for all the tit-illating de-tails.  

Hard-drinking, crabs-riddled "bad boy" Colin Farrell is not just shitty onscreen, no sir! He's even shitty in hotel rooms! Every hotel room!  

So-called "Hollywood bad boy" Colin Farrell has revealed that he saw a psychiatrist for six months around age 18, because drinking and drugging had left him depressed. The headshrinker, despite a valiant effort, was unfortunately unable to do anything to reign in Farrell's colossal ego.  

After sadly landing on the cutting room floor after its brave, critically lauded performance in A Home at The End of The World, actor Colin Farrell's dong is set to bounce back and wow audiences with a star turn in the upcoming Alexander.