Mischa Barton, sad over her waning career and slovenly unwashed paramour, cries and cries and demands an engagement ring and threatens to kill herself and take her poor dog with her. We're not sure what's more disturbing: Puppy murder or thinking Cisco Adler makes an ideal life mate.  

We never thought he could sink lower than riding around on a flatbed truck shilling real estate, but we were wrong. Cisco Adler's Black Crowes tribute band Whitestarr (the extra R means they're extra raw, brah) is selling worse than Kevin Federline. Their first album, "Luv Machine" (you've gotta be fucking kidding me), has sold only 812 copies in almost six weeks of release, with only 75 copies sold last week. We don't really have a joke here, folks. We just wanted to share with you the most pathetic story we heard today. But if we find a cache of 812 Whitestarr CDs with "Mrs. Adler" and hearts drawn all over them under Mischa Barton's bed, we'll let you know.  

That Mischa Barton is one lucky girl. She's got a hit TV show, she's young and rich and gets invited to all the hot parties, and she has a boyfriend who can take a break from selling real estate from the back of a flat-bed truck to sing her a little song. If only we were all so lucky.  

Surely you are familiar with the name Mischa Barton. She's on that show that's like 90210 but not, and with better and more expensive clothes; she enjoys throwing lawn furniture into pools and pretending she's a lesbian. And if you like truly heinous music you may be familiar with her current paramour, Cisco Adler. He was once engaged to Kimberly Stewart, who sprang forth from the loins of Rod Stewart, some old dude that ladies in the '70s thought was sexy. But now Cisco is engaged to Mischa and Kimberly has ended her two-week engagement to some guy who's even less famous than Cisco.