• Kevin Federline claims that on his GED, he got "amazing ass test scores." You know who else aced the amazing ass test? Heather Locklear (see above).

• Shamed superstar Mel Gibson fires up his Razr and sets out on the seemingly insurmountable task of personally apologizing to every Jew in the whole wide world.

• Lindsay Lohan is coming out with her own perfume. Exhaustion by Lindsay Lohan will smell softly of jasmine, raspberry vodka, and pink pepper with bottom notes of firecrotch musk.

• And there is no love lost between Lindsay and her Bobby costar William H. Macy, who says that she "should have her ass kicked." Not such a good idea, Macy, old chum. The ass might be your target of choice, but Lindsay apparently goes for the face.

• Cindy Crawford gets by with a little help from her friends. Her good friends Botox and Collagen.

• The Japanese have given the thumbs up to their previously censored Britney naked posters. Gee, you think the "banning" and "controversy" was only to drum up publicity? Nah.

• Pete Doherty: punched out a male nurse at rehab!

• Pete Doherty: also busted for cocaine in rehab! We don't know about you, but we're really starting to understand what a beautiful, wealthy, iconic supermodel would see in him. What a prize!

• His lyrical edge softened with age, contentment, and wealth, Bruce Springsteen makes a bid for authentic suffering by dumping redheaded wife for redheaded 9/11 widow.  

• As a half-Jew, Rob Schneider refuses to ever work with Mel Gibson. Braveheart 2 just got 54% less zany!

• Ever seen pink pee before? No? Ever seen Pink pee before? Also no? Well, here ya go.

• Carmen Electra and Shannon Elizabeth are pals. If C-list hangs with D-list, does that elevate them to B-list?

• If you posess fashion experience and much love for checkered bondage pants, you can work for Gwen Stefani and her L.A.M.B. label. Just email skagirl.com. Skagirl . . . we think we cybered with her in the AOL Skankin' Pickle room in 1994.

• Melanie Griffith takes the Cruddiest Mom of the Year crown from Dina Lohan when she lights her teenage daughter Dakota's cigarette.

• Cindy Crawford plus stripper pole plus mojitos minus bra equals summer fun for the whole family.

• Al Reynolds dons spandex; gets late-night booty call from large man in bucket hat.

• In case you were wondering who, on God's green Earth, would admire the jauntily shoddy designs of Charlie Sheen's ill-timed kidswear company, Sheen Kidz, the answer is: Britney. Naturally.

• Penelope Cruz is the first non-Scientologist to step forth and claim that Suri No Middle Name Cruise exists.

• Is David Geffen getting Stiflered?  

• Maggie Gyllenhaal's been impregnated by, and is now engaged to, Peter Sarsgaard. Congrats, Gaardhaal.

• We told you about Sienna Miller supposedly being snapped doing some career-threateningly embarrassing cavorting at a VF party. Here are the pics. BFD.

• Kristanna Loken: if you're Loken for an upskirt shot, you've found one.

• Jennifer Love Hewitt says that Fez is a dirty liar and that she absolutely did not take a ride on his baloney pony.

• Keri Russell, NAKED in a magazine. However, it's Vanity Fair, so there's no real Felicity felititty.

• Women want Kelly Brook's body. They want her body baaad.

• Paris Hilton shows off her sultry pipes. And for once, we're not talking about her poon chasm.

• That little girl from Pete and Pete is now a plumber.

• Mariah Carey's foxy ex-boyfriend upgrades to Cindy Crawford. She's planning on leaving her husband and moving into her new love's refrigerator box in Shantytown, USA.  

• Macauley Culkin and That '70s Show's Mila Kunis have been shopping for engagement rings and getting ready to create the dirtiest sounding hyphenated surname ever: Kunis-Culkin. Penis-Cockin'? Pubis-Caulking?

• Kim Raver: nice boob. We mean, shirt.

• PopBitch sez: "Jake Gyllenhaal was in London last week to promote Jarhead. He was without on-off love Kirsten Dunst but quickly had another girl in tow, whom he attempted to impress by telling her he'd also shagged Chelsea Clinton." Well, we're impressed. And by "impressed", we mean "the opposite of impressed".

• Listen, Lindsay, you had your moment as Owner of the Best Breasts in Young Hollywood but you blew it, OK? You fucked it up. Put the Sharpie down and back away from the bathroom wall. The tiara has been passed. The tiara has been passed.

• White of teeth and gargantuan of boob, Jenna Jameson ruled the AVN Awards.

• Hey cancer, you can ravage Kylie Minogue's breasts but you will never! Take! That ass!!!

• Cindy Crawford pix! Actually, Cindy Crawford picks.  

• Dirty Dancing's Patrick Swayze says he's experimenting with “rap rhythms as an emotional undercurrent for ballads.” That makes sense, since rap rhythms are a feeling; a heartbeat. Guh-gung. Guh-gung.

• Katie Holmes sez: "I won't wed 'til afterbirth!" God, that's sick! Oh, wait. That's "after birth".

• Still married to one nonfamous guy, Tori Spelling gets engaged to another. That means two men have willingly signed up to make Tori Spelling's vagina the only vagina in their lives forever and ever and ever. Our world, it is a sick and sad one.

• Unbearable douchelord Bono flirts with his own daughters, but at least saves the massive shagging for his wife only.

• Wipe that image out of your mind with some naked pictures of former supermodel/erstwhile Axl schtup-puppet Stephanie Seymour.

• Is Naomi Watts about to marry Liev Schreiber? Is she incubating his young? Is she going to don a bikini and bang Bond? Whowhatwherewhenwhyhowwhatwhatwhhhatttt???!?!?!?!?!

• Whatsa matta, Paris? Crabs gotcha down?

• Cindy Crawford's little son is totally in my face! Poor Maddox Jolie--replaced by a newer, hipper, younger, more attitude-y at age four.

• Keira Knightley's thong. Yup. It sure is.

• Eminem will make ex-wife Kim new wife Kim on January 14th. The invitation reads: "This day I will marry my best friend, the one I laugh with, live for, love." Guess "Sit down bitch/If you move again I'll beat the shit out of you" doesn't exactly scream "holy matrimony".  

• Paris Hilton believed in Santa Claus until she was seventeen years old. Oh, how the tears must have flowed when she found out that it was actually her parents enjoying the milk and cookies and VD she'd been leaving out for Kris Kringle all those years.

• In addition to being a pedophile with a candy-striped dingdongulus, Michael Jackson is an anti-Semitic a-hole. Way to endear yourself to a sizeable chunk of your fan base. And the majority of the recording industry.

• Cindy Crawford says, "Listen, bitches. I've been at this whole 'posing wet and half naked with my mouth seductively parted' racket for over fifteen years now. Step aside, and let me show you galumphing elephants how it's done. Amateur hour is over, whores."

• Tommy Lee is such a damn cigarette fiend that he considered hiring a private jet to fly him to Jack Osbourne's birthday party, so he could smoke on the plane. Also, he hates airport security because his wallet chain sets off alarms. Poor Tommy, seemingly unaware that a wallet is not a part of the body, and a wallet chain is not an unremoveable piercing.

• Christina Aguilera dons the best in 1987 wedding gear. Mazel tov to the newlyweds!

• Charlize Theron in a bikini, just because.

• They're on! They're off! They're on again! They're fucking the nanny! Fucking Bond! Fighting! Crying! Breaking up! Together again! Listen, Jude and Sienna. Pick something and stick with it. Either get married, or set each other on fire. Just shit or get off the pot, please.

• Little Sean Preston Federspears makes his official pictorial debut in People magazine. He's got his father's looks. Hopefully he has his mother's brain. Er, maybe we mean father's brain. No, not that either. Shit, that kid is screwed.