Today we have a very special mission for you, a chance for you to play Veronica Mars (or Nancy Drew, if you're old and still clinging to the twentieth century) and solve your own mystery. Behold: Are these Christina Ricci's boobs? After the jump, get smacked in the face with some tattooed boobage. NSFW, obvs.  

Someone please pass us some Tupperware--we need to catch this blood that's pouring from our weeping hearts. Christina Ricci, dissatisfied with her post-Casper/Gallo career, is blaming her lack of plummy, blockbusting roles not on her miserable wooden acting, but on her shortness. Ricci, this is Hollywood. If you weren't born with it, you buy it. Ashlee got a new nose, Tara got new yams, Courtney Love got new everythings. What we're saying is that if you want to make it in this dirty rotten town, you'll suck it up and get metal rods surgically implanted in your limbs like a real man would. You gotta want it.  

We were all excited to make an oh-so-clever, snarky pun in regards to Christina Ricci donning the two piece--"What a Monster!" "The Nation will need Prozac after seeing those pics!" "Christina in a bikini is The Opposite of Sex"!--but she looks amazing, and we're humbled. Humbled and aroused.