In the latest issue of Blender, Christina Aguilera has admitted to whizzing in a bucket while completely naked during a mid-concert costume change on a recent tour, shrugging it off by saying,

"I'm very comfortable with my naked body. There's probably even some video of me peeing."

We like the fact that lesser singers like, say, Pink and Fergie, do not acknowledge their backstage urine gaffes, while Christina not only admits it, she's vocally proud, and basically one step away from doing a duet with Chuck Berry with accompanying secret pee cam video.  

• Yes, you've seen Kate Moss in her underwear before. But that's not going to stop you from looking again.

• David Hasselhoff says that he, like, totally could have done Princess Di if he wanted to, and that they flirted once. She said "You look much better with your clothes on," and then the Hoff replied, "Well Ma'am, so do you." That . . . doesn't . . . make any sense.

• For all you gymnast (we're quite dumb) figure skater-loving old dudes: Katarina Witt upskirt!

• When Britney and Christina kissed Madonna at the MTV awards lo, so many years ago, Christina suggested that she and Britney lock lips, but Brit declined, because she's incredibly classy and very discerning when it comes to whom she lays her mouth upon.

• A man resembling the leather daddy from The Village People is telling all about his affairs with Tom Cruise, Antonio Banderas, Randy Travis, Andrea Boccelli, and Garth Brooks. Of the latter, he says, "When you're fucking a whale, it seems like an eternity." You're preaching to the choir, pal.

• Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson are both presently vacationing in Maui. Which is purely a coincidence, we're sure.

• Welcome to Bizarroworld: Ashlee looks stylish, Jessica wears a harem-panted jumpsuit. 2 Legit!

• Jamiroquai frontman Jay Kay assaults a throng of Lohan-stalking Pavarottis when he thinks they're interested in him. But he did not do said assaulting in or with a wacky hat, sadly.

• Nicole Richie cries that the media reports saying she's anorexic are stressing her out so bad that she's becoming anorexic!  

The latest in Christina Aguilera's non-stop verbal parade of bedroom talk? She likes looking at ladies' naked bodies. And that her husband "supports my little ways." Duh. Tom Cruise could learn a thing or two from sexy-talkin' Christina and her equally porn-mouthed peers, Eva Longoria and Pink: you needn't procure a beard/birthing pod and stomp on living-room furniture to promote yourself--just talk about boobs and doing it a whole lot.  

Christina Aguilera has a new album coming out, so she's been a veritable juggernaut of sexy sayings and doings lately. Including this panty upskirt. There's not much we can say about an upskirt shot that hasn't already been said, so we'll just mock the funny British caption that implies that what we're looking at isn't, in fact, a wrinkled and twisted pair of beige panties covering Christina's crotch, but her actual 'tang. We know that the British are historically thought to be a sexually repressed people, but thinking that the human vagina looks like a loaf of braided challah bread makes us feel truly embarassed for them.  

You know how sometimes, you're dating someone so hot, so breathtakingly gorgeous, so soul-crushingly sexy that you feel compelled to take their genitals for a spin while doing everyday tasks--visiting the ATM, mowing your lawn, filling your tank with gas? Christina Aguilera feels that way about her husband. Only minus the whole "hot, breathtakingly gorgeous, soul-crushingly sexy" aspect.
 

• Macaulay Culkin and Mila Kunis star in the action-packed thriller Escape!!! From the Holy Land!

• Ex-supermodel/ex-Rod Stewart concubine Rachel Hunter shows her punters on the beach. Stacy's mom has got it goin' on.

• Do you want to watch Jessica Simpson gulp down a phallic mouthful of creamy, fluffy froth? You probably do, sure.

• Kirsten Dunst brings in da noize, brings in da fug.

• Christina Aguilera's breasts are covered in this fetching golf-style ensemble, but the scoop neck still manages to caress and cradle them gently, yet conspicuously. Well done!

• Leah Remini says that Suri Cruise is totally real and has dark hair. Katie Holmes is spotted with curiously plasticine blonde baby-like figure. Someone's a lying sack of turds.

• Lance Bass and Reichen Lehmkuhl: "If you're Lance Bass, and you're going to the gayest town on the gayest day of the year and going to gay parties, you have to expect something."

• That bandeau bikini top is no match for the speckled flesh globules resting upon Lindsay Lohan's upper chestal region.

• Justin Timberlake is desperate for street cred. Who's bad?  

We're not famous and we've never pretended to be. We don't have any outstanding talents that would lead us to make it in the cutthroat world of showbiz: We haven't the dazzling good looks of an Angelina Jolie, nor the God-given acting talent of a Meryl Streep, nor a melodious voice like a Whitney Houston, and we're certainly no multitalented juggernaut like YouTube superstar Nornna. However, we do know one thing, and that is this: If we were an internationally beloved superstar and we knew cameras were going to be tracking our every move, and we posessed enormously rotund store-bought breasts that flipped the bird to gravity, we would most definitely walk around clad in diaphanous tank tops such as the one Christina Aguilera's donning:

 

The MTV Movie Awards were fairly tame this year. No one showed nip, no one showed crack, and even that simian fellow from Fall Out Boy kept his ding dong in his pants. We were nearly ready to turn Victorian and peer desperately through our monocles, searching frantically for a scandalous baring of collarbone or ankle, when we saw the warm, familiar bosom and gams of Christina Aguilera beckoning us from pictures. Ahhhh.  

• Michelle Rodriguez is out of jail again, and she says, "I'm moving to France... People don't bother you there." Which we take to mean "The pigs don't hassle me when I kick back a carafe of red wine and then go for a spin in a Renault." Ooh la la!

• Thank you, Mira Sorvino, for giving your new son a normal name. Teach your Hollywood brethren, Mira Sorvino. Show them the way.

• No link here, but seriously: When was the last time we saw Britney and Kevin together? Just wondering.

• Robin Tunney is pretty. Robin Tunney has a nipple. Pretty Robin Tunney shows us her nipple.

• Christina Aguilera's husband, proboscis monkey Jordan Bratman, won't let his wife pose topless. What a brat, man.

• No, no, the old saying isn't "Mom, baseball, and apple pie." It's "baseball, braces, and Alyssa Milano's pokies."

• Mariah Carey: That tomato's got billion dollah pegs, I tells ya.

• Ben Affleck rushed to the hospital because of a headache. The rest of us rushed to the hospital because we just heard the name Ben Affleck.

• Mischa Barton calls her mother "retarded." Yeah, but who's the one who willingly had sexual congress with Brandon Davis? Huh? Huh??? Who's retarded now, Mischa? Who's retarded now????  

We've been pretty bored with celebrities lately. Their hearts just don't seem to be in it. Every day it's Paris Hilton did something slutty, Britney Spears left her baby in the lion cage at the Santa Monica zoo, Tom Cruise prayed to his alien overlord. It gets a little stale. But it seems we're not the only ones getting bored. Celebrities themselves can't even muster up any enthusiasm. Usually the words catfight and Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan or Mariah Carey and Christina Aguilera would cause our ears to perk up (and all you perverts would have something else perking up as well), but these ladies failed to deliver the bitch. They left their claws at home and only managed to whimper a sad "You suck" in their fellow starlet's direction.  

GQ means "Gentleman's Quarterly", which is pretty apropos, since the new issue features the demi-nude hindquarterlies of one Ms. Christina Aguilera.

 

• Large billboards instructing Katie Holmes to make like a silent, slow-moving three-toed sloth arrive at the Cruisian birth chamber. Chilling.

• And, according to the headline at FemaleFirst, she's about to deliver a bouncing baby iPod.

• Pam Mamderson is getting a little long in the tooth, and realizes that it isn't proper for mature women to bare their breasts. Instead, they wear see-through shirts. How positively demure!

• Star Jones babbles about her new boob job, Joy Behar tells her to shut her fat mouth, Star responds by calling Joy a bitch. Finally, a reason to watch The View.

• With those new fake lips, Jessica Simpson really makes an excellent Real Doll.

• Whoops, scratch that. Actually, Christina Aguilera makes the better inflatable hump toy.

• Madonna learns how to . . . c'mon! Krump! Let your body move to the music! Krump! Krump! Let your body go with the flow!

• Spawn of Affleck . . . revealed! Wait, where are its little horns, its eensy cloven feet?  

These last few weeks have been rather slow, gossip-wise. Sure, we have Britney possibly preparing to populate the entire country with Federlines, George Michael getting put in the poky, and CoKaite Moss stashing her booger sugar in a priceless collectible. But by and large, this week has been about sexual reassurance. First, we learned that Jessica Alba finally passed her sexy certification test, now Christina Aguilera is promising us that even though she's an old married bag, she'll still pony up the buttless chaps and dance in a pit, covered in what appears to be man-seed. So buck up, li'l campers!  

• Paris Hilton believed in Santa Claus until she was seventeen years old. Oh, how the tears must have flowed when she found out that it was actually her parents enjoying the milk and cookies and VD she'd been leaving out for Kris Kringle all those years.

• In addition to being a pedophile with a candy-striped dingdongulus, Michael Jackson is an anti-Semitic a-hole. Way to endear yourself to a sizeable chunk of your fan base. And the majority of the recording industry.

• Cindy Crawford says, "Listen, bitches. I've been at this whole 'posing wet and half naked with my mouth seductively parted' racket for over fifteen years now. Step aside, and let me show you galumphing elephants how it's done. Amateur hour is over, whores."

• Tommy Lee is such a damn cigarette fiend that he considered hiring a private jet to fly him to Jack Osbourne's birthday party, so he could smoke on the plane. Also, he hates airport security because his wallet chain sets off alarms. Poor Tommy, seemingly unaware that a wallet is not a part of the body, and a wallet chain is not an unremoveable piercing.

• Christina Aguilera dons the best in 1987 wedding gear. Mazel tov to the newlyweds!

• Charlize Theron in a bikini, just because.

• They're on! They're off! They're on again! They're fucking the nanny! Fucking Bond! Fighting! Crying! Breaking up! Together again! Listen, Jude and Sienna. Pick something and stick with it. Either get married, or set each other on fire. Just shit or get off the pot, please.

• Little Sean Preston Federspears makes his official pictorial debut in People magazine. He's got his father's looks. Hopefully he has his mother's brain. Er, maybe we mean father's brain. No, not that either. Shit, that kid is screwed.

 

Music exec Jordan Bratman will make Dirrty brrd Christina Aguilera his lawfully wedded wife this coming Saturday. The couple will exchange wedding rings in Napa Valley, but where they'll exchange nipple rings is anyone's guess.  

We're the kind of people who leave our Christmas lights and animatronic waving Santa out until April. The type who likes to have Turkey leftovers until Dec. 17th. And the type of people who thumb our nose at The Man and plant trees allll fuckin' year, man, not just Arbor Day. So we'd like you to join us in extending the Halloween season. Take our hand, and together we'll enjoy watching young Hollywood turn Halloween into HO-lloweener.  

• Christina Aguilera reaches out one manicured hand and gleefully sounds the death gong on Britney's career.

• Choo-choo! All aboard the Breakup Train 2k5! Keira Knightley and her arm candy split, and Sadie Frost cut her pet boy loose after she was awarded $10.5 million clams in her Jude Law divorce settlement. See ya, sucker!

• Mike Tyson: philosopher. Poet. Testicle-stomper.

• Now, don't you go gettin' yerself a swoll head, Paris. Having an imposter is a nice start, but you haven't truly arrived until you have your very own stalker.

• Walking in Memphis. Shot in Denver.

• Heidi Klum: pregnant, praying, licking? Whatta country!

• Eminem busts out his most hard-hitting lyrics yet!

 

Our favorite Pennsylvanian songbird (aside from Perry Como, of course), Christina Aguilera, recently gave her fiancé a very special present for his birthday: the gift of sluttiness! Huzzah!  

Her Dirrty snatch is officially off the market; Christina Aguilera is engaged. In a bid to regain the lost ten percent of her salary, Xtina said yes to her manager Jordan Bratman's marriage proposal this weekend.  

Just when the perfume skank war is beginning to heat up between Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, Britney is trying to put her original skank war with Christina Aguilera to rest. And she's doing it the only way she knows how: with a letter of truth.