Here we've been watching Katie Holmes through our gossip telescope waiting for her to deflate the pillow under her shirt and magically turn it into a real live baby (Scientology makes you magic, people), and we were so distracted that we totally forgot that Gwyneth Paltrow even existed, let alone that she was carrying a spawn of her own. Now Gwyneth has produced (Ha! Produce! Apple!) another tiny human, proving once and for all the old hypothesis that incubating a Martin takes about four months, while incubating a Cruise takes roughly three and a half years. (We learned that one in chemistry class right after memorizing the periodic table.)  

We thought that between the two of them Gwyneth Paltrow and husband Chris Martin had about as much of a sense of humor as Droopy Dog, but apparently we were wrong. Martin at least can crack a joke. It just takes his pants falling down in front of thousands of people.  

So Gwyneth Paltrow has officially announced that she's pregnant. Usually this would be big news and people would joke over what the kid would be named. (At this point we think that the Paltrow-Martin household uses the "pick up the first reading material you see and point to a word" strategy of child naming, with Apple coming from a Macintosh catalog and the rumored Capone coming from an encyclopedia on American crime. The kid's just lucky its parents don't read The Wall Street Journal, cause if they did the poor thing could have been saddled with something like Fiduciary.) But since this announcement comes the day after we officially learned of the Jolie-Pitt super fetus, we just say, "Enh."  

And you thought she couldn't top "Apple" . . . the name Gwyneth Paltrow has chosen for her new baby is pure crapple.  

Gwyneth Paltrow and her fey Coldplay husband Chris Martin have reproduced yet again. Tears of joy, awe, congratulatory handshakes, hearty high-fives, gasps, over-the-top chest-clutching, impassioned dancing in the streets, fainting, tickertape parade, baby animal sacrifice, etc., to come.  

We thought we were pretty good at predicting the next big thing. Back when Elaine was pitching the urban sombrero we were saying, "No, no, it'll be the urban poncho." But the latest celebrity trend just completely surpassed us. What are the hip kids doing these days? Why, admitting that they contemplated suicide, of course! Everyone from Tom Jones to Mickey Rourke is doing it, so you know this thing is going to catch on.