• Apparently, you can steal cars and shoot heroin and get arrested 20 times a month and yet never see the inside of a jail cell. We're totally moving to the UK. It's like Eden, or Honah-Lee. Only with more crack.

• Speaking of drugs, Teri Hatcher admits to doing a little recreational Botox. Uh, no shit?

• The year was 1984, and an unsullied, very young and fresh-faced Whitney Houston was given the old Serge Gainsbourg treatment on French television. If only she had been seduced by the wiles of a drunken, aged French lothario instead of a cracked-out faded R&B loser.

• Apparently, being used as Jackson Browne's personal punching bag wasn't enough for Daryl Hannah, and she's now romancing Brad Renfro, an admitted junkie about 43 years younger than her. Some people are just gluttons for punishment.

• A better shot of Paris's upskirt shot from the other day. You can actually see her anus devouring her underdrawers!

• Vanna White gets the ole Pussycat Dolls treatment. And actually, she looks pretty awesome. For 73.

• Some dude puts the kibosh on that whole "Charlize Theron as Dusty Springfield clam-slamming Kate Moss in Ang Lee movie" rumor. And we hate him for it.

• Young Hermione Granger mistakes Corona with lime for butterbeer; gets wasted, fails OWLs, and is forced into a life of peddling her feminine wares in the shadowy recesses of Knockturn Alley.  

Paris Hilton shows about as much range in her "acting" as a limp hot dog (although such foodstuffs might actually inspire a bit of erotic excitement in Ms. Hilton), yet she thinks that she'll soon be competing for the same roles as Oscar winner Charlize Theron. Hey, if Cuba Gooding Jr. can win one of those things, it might not be that difficult.  

The men, they love the lesbians. Something about the intertwining of soft lips and silky skin and the promise of swelling breast flesh gently touching swelling breast flesh really excites the ol' weenis. However, the reality of true-life lesbians doesn't usually live up to the male fantasy. But reality and fantasy are about to collide in the most prostate-tingling of ways when Kate Moss and Charlize Theron (fantasy) bump gorditas in a film adaptation of deceased lesbo Dusty Springfield (reality). Hoorah for movie magic.  

Are you completely out of touch with the world? Are you still clinging to a stained and torn copy of 1987's JCPenney catalog, the lingerie section of which you have completely devoted to memory? Do you need new meat for your masturbatory fantasies? Ask Men is here for you, Mr. Stuck in the '80s Man, and has helpfully compiled a list of the 99 women you should most want to have sex with. And, no, the 17-year-old girl who works at KFC who kind of looks like your hot cousin isn't on it, you sick freak.  

We Chicagoans like to complain a lot. Our sports teams suck, winter lasts about nine months, and the wind is constantly messing up our hair. But at last we have something that the rest of you don’t: The first (and possibly only) U.S. screening of the highly anticipated and probably boob-filled film Havoc will happen at the 41st Chicago International Film Festival. Suck on that, Cleveland.  

We know that you’ve spent many restless nights thinking about Charlize Theron getting on her knees and kissing the ass of a fellow actress. But we’re guessing that in those fantasies the other actress was never, not once, Shirley MacLaine.  

It's Monday, and you're most likely returning to the cheerless walls of your cubicle, the last vestiges of your weekend hangover still stubbornly clinging to your brain. You turn on your computer, take a huge chug of your $5.49 mocha crappalatte, and contemplate returning home and stuffing your head in the oven all Sylvia Plath style. But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is Charlize Theron, and you can see her boob!  

Brad and Jen could've learned a thing or two about keeping the fire alive from Hollywood's most adorable couple, Kyra Sedgwick and Kevin Bacon, who've been bonding over the magic that is Charlize Theron's boob.  

Taking the whole "personal assistant" thing to the next level, Charlize Theron now employs a personal pooper-scooper for her four dogs. I'd love to see that lucky person's business card.