Being the offspring of Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones has got to be rough. First Daddy looks like the psychotic version of David Crosby, but without the mellowing effects of weed. Then there's the inevitable blow-up when you misstate Mommy's age to one of your playground friends. "Do you think Mommy's some kind of monster? I'm thirty-five." "But, Mommy, you were thirty-five two years ago." "I don't care. I'm THIRTY-FIVE. And when you ask again in two years I will still be THIRTY-FIVE!" Compared to that trauma, Daddy asking you to pee on him is probably the equivalent of a non-famous child getting a special pony ride.  

Lots of women are jealous types, and if they catch another broad making eyes at their man, they'll unleash a torrent of cussing, biting, scratching, hairpulling, pudding wrestling, and possibly foxy boxing. But Catherine Zeta-Jones's jealousy and insanity are at levels previously uncharted by humans, and she says if she catches any ho looking at hubby Michael Douglas, she'll take care of the problem with a sword. Which must happen often, because if there's anything young women desire, it's a 104-year-old man with an enlarged prostate, an ass for a chin, and weeping face lift sutures.  

- Nicolas Cage explains "Kal-El", the incredibly stupid moniker with which he has saddled his son: "Alice and I wanted to have a name that was exotic and American and which stood for something good, because our son is exotic and he's American and we both think he's good. But having said that, I always liked the sound of the name. It has kind of a magical ring to it: Abracadabra Kal-El Shazam!" Well, now, that explains everything. Everything about Nicolas Cage's mental retardation.

- Frankie Muniz's Ed Grimley Halloween costume is coming along quite nicely.

- Barbra Streisand does not wear bras. Take this information and run with it.

- Jordan, who is some type of UK celebrity famous for having huge fake jugs, promises that she will do everything in her power to still look like she's in her twenties when she is seventy. The sad irony is that right now, she's in her twenties and looks seventy.

- Catherine Zeta-Jones didn't do so much as kiss Michael Douglas for nine months after their first date because she didn't want him to think she was easy. That, and the fact the she didn't want to sully herself on the old goat's hoary oral cavity.

- Lindsay Blowhan tells OK! about her dramatic weight loss of a few months back, "I was going through that phase that everyone goes through. I lost, like, 20-25 lbs. I was on IV drips. I nearly died!" Oh, yeah, that phase! We totally remember when we went through that phase, too! LOLz!  

OK, we know that rich and famous people spend their wads of cash on pretty stupid things (when they’re not getting really expensive crap for free, that is). We can’t count how many times Paris Hilton or Britney Spears has sent us a dog turd to cover in gold and diamonds (and our mom said that was a bad business idea). But Catherine Zeta-Jones buying bottles of imported Welsh air is stupider than that time we tried to see how many rusty nails we could shove up our nose. And that was pretty f-ing stupid.  

• Colin Farrell gets restraining order against Nicole Narain--he's afraid that pesky sex tape will harm his "reputation and career". His reputation is that of a serial ass-tapper; his last movie was Alexander. Dude has nowhere to go but up.

• Joss Stone has a bum double in a Gap advert? Why, we're bloody gutted over the news! Pip, pip! Tut, tut! Tally ho!

• Scotty's remains are going to be beamed up FOR REAL.

• Journalists dish all: Tom Cruise is creepy, Catherine Zeta-Jones is as dumb as a turd, Andy Garcia is a big fat ugmo, and MORE!

• Angelina and new baby Zahara enjoy a day out; Maddox deemed "too old", forced to stay home in a closet, eating bread crusts.

• If you're friends with Gwen Stefani, you may just find your cute outfit being knocked off, churned out by Chinese orphans and mass-marketed.

• Tom and Katie "can't wait for a baby!" Problem is, they have no idea how you make one.

• Um, hi, celebrities? Yeah, hi, it's us. Listen, guys, could you be a little more exciting? I mean, we don't want to have to do the CNW Junk Drawer every single day because you give us nothing to write about. The Jude Law nannyfucking was a great start . . . maybe you could all be a little more like Jude? Like, just start grabbing asses, or make out with Erik Estrada at a party, or buy a gun and wave it around. Scream, shout, piss on a wall with abandon! Anything! Please! Love, Your Friends at CelebNewsWire.  

Michael Douglas is 60. In Hollywood, this doesn't normally matter--that's about the age when its male stars film a string of romantic comedies opposite your Amanda Peets or your Heather Grahams. But Mike is married to notorious shrieking harridan Catherine Zeta-Jones, who is probably just now realizing that although those Douglas dollars are still fun to spend, the fella she married is well on his way to the bloated, saggy land of salt-n-pepper 'nad hair, so the Wall Street star had himself a good old-fashioned face lift.  

Blame it on the hormones: knocked-up superstar Julia Roberts is allegedly hopping mad that Catherine Zeta-Jones has been given top billing on posters for upcoming stinker Ocean's Twelve.