Ah, we get it. Britney saw The Break-Up and was inspired by Jennifer Aniston's celluloid move of waxing off her nether wig to tantalize her ex.



Yes, indeedy! Show off your bald beav to throngs of strangers. That'll teach the Fed not to treat you like an ATM with an oft-full womb! Boy oh boy, you are learnin' him but good!

You know the drill by now. Cut, click, panty hamster.  

Kevin Federline's rumored affair with former porn star Kendra Jade could be the reason behind the Ferderspears divorce. But we're not sure if we buy into the rumor, as the woman who played Brunette With Worms On Her Body in Ass Clowns is still a few notches up the pseudo-celeb sexual feeding chain from KFed.  

• Hilary Duff has dropped her older emo craprocker lover with MySpace hair.

• She's also dropped the lower 2 inches off those much-maligned veneers. Neiggggh!

• J. Lo can't seem to make a baby. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that her husband is a reanimated corpse. That was mean.

• In this crazy age of full-on spread pink Britney labia in our faces, it's kind of refreshing and titillating to see a lady in a bikini. Good on ya, Kelly Brook.

• Rihanna, on the other hand, is taking a page from the Merry Divorcée and serving up lippage.

• Britney has mysteriously pulled out of planned joint Billboard Awards hosting duties, leaving Paris to go it solo. That marks the very first time you've ever heard "Britney" and "pulled out" in the same sentence.

• Borat blamed for the Pam Anderson-Kid Rock split. In related news, Borat causes global warming, racial profiling was Borat's idea, and Borat sold all that vodka to Mel Gibson.

• Note to Snoop: YOU HAVE MONEY. HIRE SOMEONE TO CARRY YOUR DRUGS AND GUNS FOR YOU.

 

Hey, readers. Hey. How's it going? Great, great.



Friends, we are certain that you are asking yourselves why we just put that picture of Paris and her minion Spears--in a fully see-through shirt--on our front page when it is generally our policy to keep the pinkish bits confined to after cuts (see how we care about you and don't want you to get fired?). The answer is simple--this is the most demure picture we have of Britney Spears today. For real. Within the last twenty-four hours she has shed the last of her inhibitions and undergarments, and after the storied very NSFW cut, you will take a mystical journey to the very core of Britney Spears, so grab your lighted mining helmet, grappling hook, and a light snack--it might take a while for you to find your way back out.  

Man. We go away for a holiday weekend and SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED that we are finding it next to impossible to keep up. No, we're not talking about Heidi Klum discharging Sealbaby 2 from her womb or Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams procuring a marriage license, nor are we referring to Michael Richards apologizing to various sundry members of the African-American community. We're talking about the important stuff; namely, Britney Spears becoming LYLAS 4-EVA BFFs with Paris Hilton, and appropriately adjusting her wardrobe to reflect said status.




To see what happens after Britney moves that charming Playboy purse to her right, turn the page.  

When celebrity couples break up we are usually reduced to crying and screaming and weeping and kicking passing puppies in the head. But when Britney Spears and Kevin Federline broke up we baked a twelve-layer cake, drank a case of two buck Chuck, and took the good jewels out of the vault. It was a party. But the crying and screaming et al. can now commence, as Kevin claims that no Ferderspears sex tape exists.  

Yes, indeed, Britney's dastardly plan of cleaning herself up and getting hot and viable again post-Federsplit is coming along quite nicely.



The only thing that could make that weave sexier is a wad of gum and a used maxi pad stuck in it.  

Paris: Everyone knows that I'm, like, super super hot, but I just figured something out. If I stand next to people who get their clothes out of the Salvation Army drop box and can't keep their weaves on straight--like this girl--I look even hotter.  

Kevin Federline is sticking to his claim that's he's a great parent and loves his kids. He just can't buy them shit like food and clothes and shelter and Bubble Yum.  

Kevin Federline is begging Britney Spears to take him back. Obviously this is motivated by a deep commitment to his home and family and a love for his children and a devotion to his wife. It has nothing to do with the fact that he'll soon be a charter member of the Burger King layaway plan.  

Kevin Federline is so broke--how broke is he?--he's so broke he has to smuggle comped booze out of restaurants. (We're sorry. That was awful. We'll try harder next time.) Luckily he has a burgeoning poetry career to fall back on. Hopefully we'll soon be able to put a book of his poems (working title: Federline, Pimping Poems Like They's Bitches) on our shelf next to our prized volume of the poetry of Jewel. Although we doubt that even the inspired verse of Mr. PopoZao can live up to one of our favorite lines from Jewel: "Vincent said she was like screwing a corpse, but a 16-year-old corpse with young tits, so it wasn't bad."  

Well, Britney has it half right. She was able to remember that when one is sporting a completely sheer top, it's best to wear a bra underneath. However, she completely forgot that the tits go IN the bra. INNNN the bra.

 

It's official: For every day until the end of time (or at least until Britney's demise in a bizarre poisoned hair-extension accident) you will encounter a minimum of three gossip items concerning Britney Spears and/or Kevin Federline. Today, Kevin allegedly tries to sell a sex tape, but if that falls through he'll always have that intriguing surveillance footage from his car, and Vogue turns down free pics of Jayden.  

Kevin Federline must have done some pretty shitty things to his soon-to-be ex-wife, because Britney wants him living on the street begging for change and Fubu gear. We haven't seen Brit's dogs in a while; maybe Kevin heard purse pooches provide a better high than shrooms and tried to stuff them in his bong and smoke them.  

Today in Britney news: You can stop the "analysis" you've been conducting of that supposed Britney Spears sex tape. It's a fake. But if your perversions run more toward reckless child endangerment rather than wagging wangs, then you're in luck, as Kevin Federline is suing Britney for custody of their two children. And we're almost 87% positive that Kevin has enough tact not to resort to a Sean P./Jayden/Apple Martin sex tape for cash. 87%.  

Now that Britney has extricated herself from the dastardly clutches of Fed, she's smiling more. Instead of the dour, pinched looks she's been sporting for the past year and a half, we've seen her grinning, laughing, gasping, and being more animated in general. Similarly, a metaphorical cage appears to have been lifted from her bosom. Not since the "Toxic" days have we seen Britney's baps looking so joyous. So, on this post-election day, post-Britney Liberation Day celebration, we offer you this handy Guide to the Many Moods of Britney's Breasts.  

On most days pictures of a re-hotted Britney Spears letting Jayden's favorite hobby (i.e. her breasts) hang halfway out of her dress would be big f-ing news and we wouldn't need to say another word about our favorite poptart. But today isn't just any day. It's the day of all hope and glory and regained wanking possibilities. Britney lost an unsightly layer of blubber surrounding her once-worshiped physique, and she also lost that big pile of donkey shit she's been carting around and covering in diamonds for two years. So today we have two Britney stories. After the jump, sex tape, fake wedding, possible fake divorce. Oh holy day!  

Look out the window! Pigs are flying! Also, newborn kittens and rainbow glitter funfetti are raining from the heavens! Why?

Britney Spears has filed for divorce! She's casting off the oppressive, Axe Body Spray-scented Federshackles and is about to spread her wings and fly free! Details after the cut!  

Darling little bundle of secondhand bong smoke Sutton Pierce Federline turned one month old yesterday, although we all have yet to receive official confirmation from the Spears-Federline camp. In a recent radio interview, K-Fed let it slip that not only might the child's name not be Sutton Pierce, but that he might be a she. At this point, we're not even sure Britney gave birth to a baby and not, say, a pangendered Schmoo.  

You may think that Britney Spears looks like one of Rover's especially big turds that's been run over by your neighbor's Suburban and warmed in the afternoon sun, but Kevin Federline thinks she's as sexy as two lesbians in a hot tub full of whipped cream. And if he has to cover all the mirrors in the house with life-size pictures of Angelina Jolie to make Brit believe she's still got it, then he's gonna do it.  

Britney Spears has realized that there can only be one fat diva in town and she's not quite committed enough to outweigh Aretha Franklin and has abandoned her pop career for a new calling: celebrity publicist. Specifically, her own. Brit has fired flack Leslie Sloane Zelnick (or Sloan Zelnik or Sloane-Zelnik or . . . hey, celebs, help us out; we can spell Grubman.) in favor of handling her own publicity. Which isn't as horrific a move as one would think, considering Zelnick's track record with number-one client Lindsay Lohan.  

• Janet Jackson says that her sex life was great when she was fat, and that her Ewok lover Jermaine Dupri would "grab me, pull me around the stomach, look me in the eyes and say, 'This needs love too!'" And then he'd gently insert his penis into her stomach folds.

• Britney Spears reportedly had a tummy tuck following the birth of SPFsquared. Slowly inching closer and closer to Tara Reid territory (Taratory?).

• Little Aaron Carter is engaged! To a Playboy Playmate! Presumeably, his pneumatic bride-to-be has seen AARON CARTER SHIRTLESS.

• Safely ogle Kelly Brook in her underwear from the comfort of your own home, free from fear of retaliation at the hands of your friend Billy Zane.

• Lindsay Lohan is looking to move to England, most likely because the English are the only people who can drink her under the table.

• Jackass Steve-O tells us, in great detail, about the time he masturbated onto Nicole Richie's back. And then her semi-exposed spinal column recognized the protein content of the expelled liquid and, revolted at the idea of nourishment, quickly whipped the offending substance away from Richie's person.

• Courtney Love and Whitney Houston: not only are they recovering substance abusers, they both have names that end in -tney! BFFs!

• Paris takes advantage of Lindsay Lohan's absence; flirts with Harry Morton. When the exposed pussy lips are away, the skank will play.

• Asia Argento turns 31 today, and celebrates by picking G-string bikini bottoms out of her anus. Mazel tov!  

Britney's baby might have a name! Or maybe he doesn't! Maybe Brit and Kevin and thinking about it! Maybe it will take them a couple weeks to get past the prevailing thoughts in their heads (Britney: Durrr, y'all. Kevin: Where's the weed?) and decide on a name! Why must we put exclamation points after every sentence? Why are we so excited? Because we've seen Britney's redesigned website! Britney. Tiger. Britney. Tiger. It may have hypnotized us.  

• Yes, you've seen Kate Moss in her underwear before. But that's not going to stop you from looking again.

• David Hasselhoff says that he, like, totally could have done Princess Di if he wanted to, and that they flirted once. She said "You look much better with your clothes on," and then the Hoff replied, "Well Ma'am, so do you." That . . . doesn't . . . make any sense.

• For all you gymnast (we're quite dumb) figure skater-loving old dudes: Katarina Witt upskirt!

• When Britney and Christina kissed Madonna at the MTV awards lo, so many years ago, Christina suggested that she and Britney lock lips, but Brit declined, because she's incredibly classy and very discerning when it comes to whom she lays her mouth upon.

• A man resembling the leather daddy from The Village People is telling all about his affairs with Tom Cruise, Antonio Banderas, Randy Travis, Andrea Boccelli, and Garth Brooks. Of the latter, he says, "When you're fucking a whale, it seems like an eternity." You're preaching to the choir, pal.

• Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson are both presently vacationing in Maui. Which is purely a coincidence, we're sure.

• Welcome to Bizarroworld: Ashlee looks stylish, Jessica wears a harem-panted jumpsuit. 2 Legit!

• Jamiroquai frontman Jay Kay assaults a throng of Lohan-stalking Pavarottis when he thinks they're interested in him. But he did not do said assaulting in or with a wacky hat, sadly.

• Nicole Richie cries that the media reports saying she's anorexic are stressing her out so bad that she's becoming anorexic!  

The National Enquirer claims that Britney Spears gave birth to a son at 2 A.M. today, despite reports that Kevin Federline's fourth inexplicable extension of DNA would take girl form and be named Jailynn and make her entrance unto the world in two days, forever upstaging the birthday of big brother Sean. According to The Enquirer:

"Kevin took Britney to the hospital in the evening hours of Sept. 11 to prepare for the Cesarean birth," an insider said. Only her mother Lynn, and her sister Jamie Lynn were present at the birth. None of Kevin's family was there.
Right after the baby was born, Kevin got the word out to his family and close friends.

Britney's just lucky that she didn't pop the tot out two hours earlier, as a much overlooked amendment to the Constitution states that any children born on September 11th must take for a middle name the names of every person killed on 9/11. Hyphenated, of course, to make it less confusing.  

Pictures of lush-maned moppet Suri Cruise came along yesterday and clapped a chubby little baby hand over our naysaying mouths. Not to be outdone by her eye-singeing cuteness, Britney Spears is reportedly set to deliver Federspawn #2 today via C-section. Though, unlike Suri, this baby will not score the cover of Vanity Fair. Weekly World News, American Tractor Guide, or Wigger Weekly? Maybe.  

Many many moons ago we ran a kooky little story about Britney Spears's aspirations to become a forensic scientist. We heard nothing more on the subject and assumed that Brit had moved on to more accessible dreams, like finally mastering the patting the head while rubbing the belly trick. But in reality Britney wracked her brain for ways to achieve her goal and came up with a stroke of genius: pass on that whole going to college part and just get her husband a role on CSI so he can learn all the tricks from the inside.  

• Kevin Federline claims that on his GED, he got "amazing ass test scores." You know who else aced the amazing ass test? Heather Locklear (see above).

• Shamed superstar Mel Gibson fires up his Razr and sets out on the seemingly insurmountable task of personally apologizing to every Jew in the whole wide world.

• Lindsay Lohan is coming out with her own perfume. Exhaustion by Lindsay Lohan will smell softly of jasmine, raspberry vodka, and pink pepper with bottom notes of firecrotch musk.

• And there is no love lost between Lindsay and her Bobby costar William H. Macy, who says that she "should have her ass kicked." Not such a good idea, Macy, old chum. The ass might be your target of choice, but Lindsay apparently goes for the face.

• Cindy Crawford gets by with a little help from her friends. Her good friends Botox and Collagen.

• The Japanese have given the thumbs up to their previously censored Britney naked posters. Gee, you think the "banning" and "controversy" was only to drum up publicity? Nah.

• Pete Doherty: punched out a male nurse at rehab!

• Pete Doherty: also busted for cocaine in rehab! We don't know about you, but we're really starting to understand what a beautiful, wealthy, iconic supermodel would see in him. What a prize!

• His lyrical edge softened with age, contentment, and wealth, Bruce Springsteen makes a bid for authentic suffering by dumping redheaded wife for redheaded 9/11 widow.  

Posters depicting Britney Spears in her naked, heavy with with baby pose from last month's Bazaar have been censored in the subways of Japan, for being "too stimulating". This, from a country that was the birthplace of bukkake and tentacle porn.  

• Brittany Murphy has ended her engagement to best boy/grip Joe Macaluso. Brittany, do you actually think you're going to be able to do better? He's the BEST boy, for Christ's sake!

• "Kevin Federline mauled by rap community." God, if only that headline were literal.

• Janet Jackson says that fiancé Jermaine Dupri sexually takes her to places she's never been before. Oh, like the Ewok Village? Get it? Cuz he's short.

• Proving you can never have too much of a good thing: even more pictures of the expansive side of Lindsay Lohan's enormous, speckled breast.

• And Lindsay's dad is quite the little Jim Davis, taking pen to paper and cartooning the demons pulling his daughter from his fatherly embrace. Impressive, but we would have drawn Lindsay crying "ACK!" and holding a bikini on a hanger to illustrate her body-image issues.

• A devious, scrawny mammal that steals sneakily, and Kevin Federline. One and the same, friends, but which one has more facial hair?

• Britney angrily refused to allow Jessica Simpson to kiss her pregnant belly, which is the first smart thing Britney's done, child-rearing-wise. Perhaps she didn't want to risk having her fetus get poisoned by toxic, cupcake-scented plumping gloss.

• Beyonce and Jay-Z are planning a $3 million wedding. Bet the courtesy gift bag will be fabulous!

• Jessica Simpson is now hawking hairpieces. What is she, a Mandrell?