Revelling in other people's misfortune is our métier, and revelling in the misfortune of the undeservedly wealthy and egregiously vile is our specialty-within-our-specialty. So today has been a particularly happy day around the CNW offices after hearing about Kevin Connolly repeatedly slugging bloated moneybags Brandon Davis last week. Nothing like a ninny getting his just desserts. And if there's anything Brandon Davis loves, it's desserts!  

Another day, another story about Paris Hilton. Today she's porking Brandon Davis. God help us if they forget the condom and we finally have to experience the creation of the world's most vacuous, unnecessary human.  

We hate having to admit that someone as loathsome as Brandon Davis was right about something, but do you remember when, during the infamous "Firecrotch" diatribe, Brandon issued the definitive statement that Lindsay Lohan "has freckles coming out of her vagina"?



This crow doesn't taste so good.  

The libidinal pairing that we have long feared seems to have come to fruition. It's time to finally put your backyard Y2K shelter to use and escape society, as the sharing of sex organs between Paris Hilton and Brandon Davis can only mean ultimate death and destruction and lots of ugly, greasy, red-pubic-hair-averse children. I mean, just look at them. It's disgusting.



Oh wait, sorry. That was the wrong picture. This is Paris Hilton kissing Brandon Davis:



In our defense, both Brandon and the ferret, along with the shared probability that they are teeming with communicable diseases, belong to the weasel family. So you can see how we got confused.  

Old people are funny. Half the time they think it's somewhere around 1922 and insist on digging holes under the floorboards to hide the hooch in. And if the old person in question happens to be the grandmother of walking tub of Crisco Brandon Davis, she thinks that calling someone "firecrotch" in front of a moving-picture camera amounts to an engagement announcement.  

Brandon "Coke Bloat" Davis has caved into pressure and issued a formal apology for the Lindsay Lohan Firecrotch incident using the questionable New York Post as his platform. Lindsay's russet-hued vagina had no comment.  

Oil heir/professional gadabout/demi-tard Brandon Davis is not just a bloated pretty face--he's also a witty, rapier-sharp talking head when it comes to pop culture musings. Turns out that Lindsay Lohan's movie Just My Luck isn't presently bombing because of poor promotion or a lackluster script. No, the blame should be placed solely on Lohan's vagina, and the freckles that are issued forth from its russet depths.

We hate to say this, but when Mischa Barton dumped Brandon for Cisco Adler, she traded up.