This is a picture of Brad Pitt on the cover of the December issue of Vanity Fair. He's wet, he's in his underwear, and he's f-ing pissed. That's right. While Brad Pitt is screwing every red-blooded American man's fantasy, he is getting mad that bored and dissatisfied women are picturing him in his wet, partially see-through drawers instead of focusing on how badly their schlumpy and inattentive husband needs to trim his back hair. God, Brad, you are so selfish.  

• Angelina and Brad are reportedly adopting an Indian baby as we speak. Because African babies are soooo early-to-mid October 2k6.

• Please, for the love of all that is good and holy in this mortal world, will someone, anyone, shoot a tranq dart into Naomi Campbell's neck?

• Rush Limbaugh accuses Parkinson's sufferer Michael J. Fox of exaggerating his symptoms in a political ad, saying, "He is moving around and shaking, and it is purely an act." Seriously, dude! And remember when Christopher Reeve was tooling around in a wheelchair with a trach tube? Also totally all an act. Fucker was just lazy and tired of walking and breathing. Some Superman!

• DJ AM, aka Adam Goldstein, has moved on from Nicole Richie to nice Jewish girl Michelle Trachtenberg. His bubby is so pleased.

• For the reasonable price of $100,000, Paris Hilton will come to your New Year's Eve party 3 hours late, sit in a corner and text furiously on her Sidekick for 20 minutes, perhaps flash an assflap or two, then leave.

• Sandra Bullock had sexual intercourse on Sunday night.

• Federline the Younger is actually named Jayden James. SPF squared, we hardly knew ye.

• Tara Reid said that her nipples "looked like goose-shaped eggs". Not goose eggs. Eggs, shaped like geese. Nipples like thin shells with webbed feet and beaks and wings holding albumen and yolk. Yup. That's what Tara Reid's nipples looked like.  

From the mind and hands of the man who brought us the magnificent, hair-raising artistic works "Britney Spears Births Sean Preston" and "Suri Cruise's First Turd" comes a new sculpture depicting Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt, and Angelina Jolie engaged in a threesome. The piece will be lovingly cast in bronze, because you just can't capture the teeth-gritted expression hatefucking brings about with marble or clay.  

• Matthew Broderick appears to have injured himself after falling off his wife.

• J. Lo es no preggo. "She is 100% not pregnant," says a rep, however, she is still 93% annoying.

• Tara Reid getting cockblocked from Hyde while Paris breezes right in = funny. The fact that the hottest club catering to young Hollywood is ironically blasting Kenny Loggins's "Footloose" = funnier.

• Lindsay Lohan changes her damn bikini almost as often as she changes her men.

• And speaking of Lindsay's wardrobe choices, she seems to have ditched the Kate Moss look and adopted a new fashion idol. The billowing, shapeless drawstring romper, the torpedo nips, the questionable footwear, the long, chalky black hair and the latte in hand . . . it's Britney all over again.

• Brad Pitt's parents were offended when, at Maddox Jolie-Pitt's birthday party, the elder Pitts were "the only ones not drinking." Including the 4-year-olds?

• Get Saved by the Buns when Mario Lopez (A.C. Slater) gets naked and homoerotic for Nip/Tuck.

• That Eminem boy has playdate with the little Girl Next Door, acts out, gets sent to the corner for a time out.

• Paris Hilton has been cast in a movie called The Hottie and the Nottie but keeps giving the thumbs down to potential leading men. An insider says, "A few [actors] have made it to a screen test with Paris but either the producers aren't happy or, more often, Paris has a problem with them. She is as picky with the men in her movies as she is in real life." AKA "not at all".  

Watch out, Angelina. You must do exactly as I say. Be very still. There is a man behind you who is about to incapacitate you and steal your wax baby. But please don't panic. Just start moving your arms very slowly. There. Now reach for the baby . . . ok, RUN! RUN ANGELINA!  

It's such a slow gossip day that we actually contemplated writing an ENTIRE story on Selma Blair divorcing that one Zappa (the weirder one, we think), but then we started thinking about her sex scene in Storytelling and had to take a long shower and scrub our skin raw with Comet. So we're going to abandon that idea and go with a paparazzo being arrested for jumping the fence at Maddox Jolie-Pitt's daycare center. And, yes, we are counting a four-year-old as a famous, newsworthy person. You wanna take it up with our fists? They're called Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. One will caress you while the other schemes to pummel you. And they've got a taste for skin today, bitches.  

We bet you thought that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt and their--what is it up to now? eighteen?--rainbow-colored children were the embodiment of peace and love and man's humanity toward man or some bullshit. They're all made of sunshine and kitten's whiskers and ice-cream cones and unicorn essence, right? Well, not everyone in Namibia thinks that way. Some people think they're the new Lewis and Clark. Or Vasco de Gama. Or . . . man, we really shouldn't have dropped out of the eighth grade because we can't remember the names of any more explorers. Columbus was one, right?  

If you are a lady and it is time for you to head over to your local vagina doctor for your annual exam, you may just find that your pap smear is suddenly 92.3% more erotic, thanks to photos of oiled-up Hollywood beau-hunks on the doctor's walls.  

• Heath Ledger got squirted with water as a prank and took it really personally. What, are you gonna cry about it? Huh, little tiny baby Heathie? Gonna cry? Go on, cryyyyyy, baby! Cryyyyyy!

• Piloh Shitt, for real this time:

Many, many more pictures of mom, dad, Zahara, new baby, and nursing bra here.

• We're just a copper hair away from seeing the freckles pouring forth from Lindsay Lohan's firecrotch.

• Speaking of Lindsay, she incurred the fiery wrath of Vogue editrix Anna Wintour at the CFDA Awards when she failed to get a hall pass to visit the potty. Six times. In two hours.

• Elle MacPherson is still a foxy MacPerson.

• Nicole Richie, mad with hunger, throws water all over some poor paparazzo. Maybe she mistook him for Heath Ledger?

• Jessica Alba pulls a Teri Hatcher and trusses up her already buoyant, flawless blammos with tape. Son of a bitch.

• Katherine Heigl wants to show off her Grey's Anatomy on a sex tape. We can say with utterly no sarcasm whatsoever that the idea is a wonderful one and should be carried out immediately, and with zest.

• PIcking up freshly-laid, warm dog crap with a plastic bag makes Mariah's nipples hard.

• Chris "alpha heterosexual male" Klein grows the beard that Topher Grace just shaved off.  

Last weekend, Angelina and Brad had professional pictures taken of freshly borned babe Piloh Shitt--er, Shiloh Jolie-Pitt--and auctioned them off to the highest bidder. The pics went to People for a staggering $4.1 million, which will be donated to charity.

(*Erm, we had to take the picture down. The Jolie-Pitt law-talkin' team is making everyone remove the leaked shots. Apparently, the view of The Chosen One's flawless baby features was turning mortals to stone.*)

We're not sure if this is a clever fake (why is it so pixellated and cruddy? Why is it the cover of Hello!?), but the baby certainly looks suitably Jolie-esque. And how apropos would it be to release the pictures of The Facial Messiah on 6/6/06? Perhaps little Shiloh was sent from above to do battle against the forces of evil. And by "forces of evil" we mean "uglies".  

The facially superior fruit of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's sex organs was birthed into this world on Saturday. We have to admit we're a little disappointed. We thought the world would feel . . . different, somehow. Brighter. Sexier.  

We have a message for all you poor, starving, homeless people around the world (because we know the one luxury you just cannot live without is CelebNewsWire): Your worries will soon be over, because Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are going to save you. So gather up your daily allotment of rice, patch up the holes in your dancing shoes, lock up your hovels, and gather 'round the community shitting ditch, because it's time for a party.  

Did Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt secretly wed? Will their baby be so hot that sex between a full-grown adult and a newborn baby will no longer be taboo? Is Ange jealous of all of Brad's past fucks? The questions, the questions. How will we ever sleep through the night with so many unanswered questions?  

• A surprise appearance by Mick Jagger causes a near-riot at his illegitimate son's grade school. Right, like Brazilian 6-year-olds know who the fuck Mick Jagger is.

• Most women look all glowy and happy and shiny and fresh when they're all knocked up. Gwyneth Paltrow? Ehhhhh, not so much.

• Thar she blows! A hump like a snowhill! It's Britney, breaching and proving that yes, the Murphy's Mart Five and Dime off Cub Run Highway in central Kentucky does, in fact, have a swimwear line!

• An Olsen twin with her right teat hanging out? HOW RUDE!

• PETA urges our vice president to shoot Eva Longoria in the face. Yes, you read that correctly.

• We're kind of grossing ourselves out over the fact that we think Avril Lavigne is suddenly utterly alluring.

• Betty White. Naked. Eh, she's no Rue McClanahan.

• Carmen Electra and Victoria Silvstedt fake make out, legions of dudes in fake tans and Gotti boy hairdos cream.

• Not satisfied with adopting needy children from across the Earth, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt branch out and adopt a beautiful new baby from the planet Owens-Corning and debut their new child in all her rosy, fluffy glory in Paris. Congrats to the new parents!  

You know the things you would do to Angelina Jolie if you ever found her lunching at the Cracker Barrel down the street from the factory where you work? If you were a Jennifer Aniston fan you'd want to smear mashed potatoes in her face and give her a good spanking. Actually that's probably not far off from what you were thinking.  

Are you sick of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt and their adorable mixed bag o' babies yet? Are you also sick of chocolate and pizza and sex and puppies? You sure are one cold bastard. But if you can take any more of the world of "I'm better than you" that is Brangelina, read on for news of their maybe/maybe not wedding and their possible boy/possible girl baby! So we're telling you they're either getting married or they're not and they're either having a boy or girl. God, aren't we helpful today?  

Hey, Brad Pitt is now the official real dad of Angelina's adopted kids. Hey, people are reporting that she's carrying twins. Hey, whatever. We're finding it more and more difficult to muster up enough enthusiasm to report on the goings-on of Brangelina. Now that they've come clean and admitted their impending infant and couplehood (yeah, we just made a Paul Reiser reference, what of it), we've just lost interest. The thrill of the forbidden is gone.  

• Posh Spice teaches us how to dress for seduction. Is the secret tan-in-a-can, fake lips like a couple of BMX tires, and robohooters? Because we're one step ahead of you, Posh.

• Posh is also planning on writing a children's book. Just as soon as she learns how to write.

• There are never enough headlines that include the words "Kate Beckinsale" and "ass".

• Wow. Sienna Miller's doing a really, really, really, really bad job of channeling Edie Sedgwick. Really bad.

• Eva Longoria and Jamie Foxx, also known as the two most irritatingly overrated stars in the cosmos, might have hooked up. Good. Maybe they'll fall in love and go live in the bottom of the sea somewhere.

• Drew Barrymore and her huge snoobs are awesome. Don't hate. Congratulate.

• Brad and Angelina's golden fetus says, "Does this ultrasound make me look fat?"

• You know it's a slow gossip day when this is the headline of the day.

• William Shatner's nugget of crystallized urine builds houses for the underprivileged. Yeah, you heard us.

• Howard Stern admits to having a little plastic surgery. We thought his tits were looking particularly fabulous lately.  

Do you remember yesterday? We brought you news of the Colin Farrell sex tape that briefly hit the internet and Lindsay Lohan calling a respected Vanity Fair writer a big stinkin' liar. And there was something else. It was so long ago we can't quite remember. Oh, right, that's it. Angelina Jolie was all knocked up 'n' shit. Those were good times, weren't they? There'll never be another day quite like it. And it just kept on getting better when Brad Pitt finally opened his publicist's relationship-denying mouth and confirmed his virility.  

Prepare for the impending media assailment! People.com reports that Angelina Jolie has confirmed that she's really, honestly, truly, for reals carrying Brad Pitt's baby. After all that talk about needy children all around the globe desperate for caring families, she goes and makes one of her own. What a hypocrite.  

Rumors abound claiming that Angelina Jolie is all full of Brad Pitt's hunky bastard baby. It's a Christmas miracle! Wasn't that how the story of the baby Jesus went in the rough draft of the Bible? Hot freak machine Mary seduced Joseph away from his pretty but dull wife and had kinky, native-waking sex with him until she got a kid all up in her? We heard the FCC called for changes before the book went to print.  

It's a scientific fact that all men are peculiarly titillated when the object of their desire shows no interest in them. The more indifferent the prey seems, the more tasty it appears. So now you understand why Brad Pitt, who--let's face it--could have any man, woman, or child he desired, has been reduced to a teeny tiny squalling little baby girl by Angelina Jolie, who, although she has the #1 universal lust object squirming under her thumb, still insists on enjoying vaginal favors of ladyfriends past.  

• Christina Applegate's husband of four years, Jonathan Schaech, has filed for divorce. We looked him up on IMDb to see what he's done recently, only to find that he's been tapped to play Dalton in the sequel to Road House! Christina, are you crazy? You don't incur the wrath of James Dalton. He will rip your throat the hell out with his bare hands!

• Sienna Miller seems to be canoodling with everyone these days. Leo DiCaprio seems to be canoodling with everyone these days. Thus, it was only natural that these two master canoodlers would eventually canoodle their way into each other's cozy, canoodly arms.

• The photog who snapped the now infamous but as yet unseen topless photos of Jen Aniston speaks! And he drops a juicy little nugget in the process. Mee-yow!

• You know Eminem's ex-wife, Kim? The one he's threatened to murder? The one who's been jailed several times and was thrown out of rehab for blowing a teenage patient? Well, they're going to remarry. Now that's a terrific idea.

• Although Lindsay Lohan was struck down with food poisoning and unable to make it to her scheduled Regis and Kelly appearance, she looked fit as a fiddle a few hours later on TRL. It's a Christmas miracle!

• You'll get sprong for Famke Janssen's thong. Yeah, that was dumb. Like you could do better? Jerk.

• Brad Pitt faces a long hard road when it comes to adopting Angelina's wee babes . . . unless he marries her. My, how positively convenient.

• Mariah's wearing clams on her boobs, which kind of makes you wonder what she might be wearing on her clam.  

Brad and Angelina still refuse to come clean and admit that they are, indeed, sexy homewreckers, but they will admit to being sexy co-nurturers. On Friday, Brad officially filed papers to become little Maddox and Zahara's adoptive father. A petition was also filed to tack Brad's last name onto the kids' surnames, making them Maddox and Zahara Jolie-Pitt. Which loosely translates to "beautiful hole". Kind of fitting, when you think about it.  

Jonny Lee Miller. He has the same name as Jonny Cat cat litter, he used to sweep Angelina Jolie's feminine chimney within the sacred bonds of marriage, and he totally played "Zero Cool" in Hackers. If you were Jonny Lee, which of the previous three fun facts would you brag about in 2005 in a bid to appear relevant? Yeeeup, us too.  

First, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's wild lovemaking cries were likened to the sounds of "a wounded animal", and it was speculated that Brad had the "strength of a lion!" Now, they're being pursued by bears. It appears that the commingling of Brangelina's physically perfect crotch sauces always causes an uproar in the animal kingdom. Like a sexy Jumanji.  

• According to PerezHilton.com, Rose McGowan was arrested last night at the T-Mobile party in Hollywood. He won't say why, but there are little Photoshopped white granules gently marching up her nose in the picture. Does she have really bad allergies? Was she doing some particularly dusty drywall work? Seriously, can someone help us decipher this cryptic clue?

• Britney reportedly has post-partum depression after turding out baby Sean Federspears. Blah blah Tom Cruise blah blah blah blah.

• J. Lo-Anthony to show a little spare tire for the upcoming Pirelli calendar, alongside disco dust martyr Kate Moss.

• Possibly old, possibly not even Paris Hilton, but there's an ass, a boat, another naked girl, and no Tom Sizemore in sight.

• And for David Copperfield's next trick, he'll impregnate a woman onstage without touching her. Blah blah Tom Cruise blah blah blah Katie Holmes blah.

• Angelina and Brad are betrothed?

• First picture of the offspring of Seal and Heidi Klum is available, and little Henry sure is . . . he's really . . . he's quite . . . he's, uh, got a nice head of hair.

• Bono says he always wears sunglasses because "My eyes are very sensitive to light. Also, I'm a humungously pretentious douchelord."

 

It’s finally over, people. Pack up the kids and run for hills, because not one single, solitary person on earth will ever believe in the institution of marriage ever again. Society will soon degenerate into a non-stop sex fest between anonymous beautiful people, with the ugly fuckers left in the corner to wither up and die. The divorce between Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston has been finalized.  

• Harrison Ford refuses to admit it's not 1987 and continues to wear "rebellious" earring. Ooooh, you bad!

• Nicole Kidman hates her tall, willowy model figure and wants to be short n' dumpy like you and me.

• Britney, inspired by a recent movie, wants to name her baby "Charlie". Well, we suppose that's better than Jordan Two Delta.

• Women keep marrying Robert Evans. The mind boggles.

• Seriously, though. Chappelle's Show is not coming back. It's not ever coming back. It's gone. You have to move on, man. Just move on.

• Maddy calls Braddy his daddy.

• The kids, they seem to like the Eva Longoria. Here are some Rolling Stone pictures, you slimy pervos.  

• Brad Pitt has been diagnosed with viral meningitis. Whatever. We still think cuz got the dysentery.

• The Butterscotch Stallion develops a taste for chocolate.

• Hey, Scarlett. Why don't you take a fricking picture, it'll last longer.

• We have trouble believing that even the most desperate kiddiefucker in a roving gang of Hollywood pedophiles would be hard up enough to want to molest Corey Feldman.

• Meee-yow! Anna Nicole, you delicious bitch!

• Tom Cruise gives his 11-year-old costar Dakota Fanning a cell phone. Now he can beam Scientology propaganda directly into her easily-molded young brain, and she can call her coke dealer without being hassled by the 'rents. Everybody wins!

• You Know It's a Slow Gossip Day When: Angela Lansbury's knee surgery makes top headlines. Godspeed, Mrs. Potts!