• Dirty Dancing's Patrick Swayze says he's experimenting with “rap rhythms as an emotional undercurrent for ballads.” That makes sense, since rap rhythms are a feeling; a heartbeat. Guh-gung. Guh-gung.

• Katie Holmes sez: "I won't wed 'til afterbirth!" God, that's sick! Oh, wait. That's "after birth".

• Still married to one nonfamous guy, Tori Spelling gets engaged to another. That means two men have willingly signed up to make Tori Spelling's vagina the only vagina in their lives forever and ever and ever. Our world, it is a sick and sad one.

• Unbearable douchelord Bono flirts with his own daughters, but at least saves the massive shagging for his wife only.

• Wipe that image out of your mind with some naked pictures of former supermodel/erstwhile Axl schtup-puppet Stephanie Seymour.

• Is Naomi Watts about to marry Liev Schreiber? Is she incubating his young? Is she going to don a bikini and bang Bond? Whowhatwherewhenwhyhowwhatwhatwhhhatttt???!?!?!?!?!

• Whatsa matta, Paris? Crabs gotcha down?

• Cindy Crawford's little son is totally in my face! Poor Maddox Jolie--replaced by a newer, hipper, younger, more attitude-y at age four.

• Keira Knightley's thong. Yup. It sure is.

• Eminem will make ex-wife Kim new wife Kim on January 14th. The invitation reads: "This day I will marry my best friend, the one I laugh with, live for, love." Guess "Sit down bitch/If you move again I'll beat the shit out of you" doesn't exactly scream "holy matrimony".  

• According to PerezHilton.com, Rose McGowan was arrested last night at the T-Mobile party in Hollywood. He won't say why, but there are little Photoshopped white granules gently marching up her nose in the picture. Does she have really bad allergies? Was she doing some particularly dusty drywall work? Seriously, can someone help us decipher this cryptic clue?

• Britney reportedly has post-partum depression after turding out baby Sean Federspears. Blah blah Tom Cruise blah blah blah blah.

• J. Lo-Anthony to show a little spare tire for the upcoming Pirelli calendar, alongside disco dust martyr Kate Moss.

• Possibly old, possibly not even Paris Hilton, but there's an ass, a boat, another naked girl, and no Tom Sizemore in sight.

• And for David Copperfield's next trick, he'll impregnate a woman onstage without touching her. Blah blah Tom Cruise blah blah blah Katie Holmes blah.

• Angelina and Brad are betrothed?

• First picture of the offspring of Seal and Heidi Klum is available, and little Henry sure is . . . he's really . . . he's quite . . . he's, uh, got a nice head of hair.

• Bono says he always wears sunglasses because "My eyes are very sensitive to light. Also, I'm a humungously pretentious douchelord."