Bobby Brown has knocked up Super Head, a.k.a. Karrine Steffans. Apparently whack crack gives sperm super powers to defy modern medical science and all the rules of logic.  

• Following her guest-starring role as lottery winner Dawn Budge on Nip/Tuck, Rosie O'Donell will be doing a spinoff series. A Dawn Budge spinoff but no Riding the Bus with My Sister spinoff? God, the injustice in this world.

• We can see right through Mischa Barton.

• And after that, she pokes out our eyeballs so that we might never see again.

• Lance and Matt: forever putting the "ghey" in "McConaughey"!

• Ellen Barkin would like you to know that she has fucked George Clooney. Big deal. Join the club.

• Kelly Brook's underwear can be yours. In fact, Kelly Brook's underwear can be anybody's now.

• Suzanne Somers wrote a new book about hormone replacement therapy being the fountain of youth. Before you go clamoring to pick up a copy and a side of progesterone, have a gander at the results. Sweet fancy Moses on a cracker!

• Whitney Houston is legally extricating herself from Bobby Brown. Hopefully she'll get custody of a better weave. Oh yeah! We went there! That's right!

• Heather Mills is alleging that Paul McCartney roughed her up during their marriage. Oh, please. That's like saying you got roofied by Cat Stevens. Paul McCartney? Macca? Seriously? The worst we can picture is him smoking a laced doob and giving a half-hearted slap with some organic radishes or something.

• The wrestlers of the WWE had their way with Kevin Federline the other night. And while the pictures of K-Fed getting body-slammed in the ring are pleasant enough, we can't help but yearn for the quality WWF days of our youth and wish that Junkyard Dog and the Iron Sheik would join forces to tag-team Federline, while Lou Albano shot rubber bands from the sidelines and afterwards, Rowdy Roddy Piper would make a man out of K-Fed during a Backlot Brawl.  

• George Michael says, "I don't have a drug problem!" Aside from being arrested after falling asleep in his car at an intersection. For the second time. In eight months.

• Avril Lavigne apologizes for hawking loogs on the Pavarotti, stating that she'd never spit on her fans. No, she'll just flip them off and cuss them out.

• Well, Jordan's obviously got her cell phone on "vibrate".

• There's another warrant out for Bobby Brown's arrest--he owes two months' worth of back child support, totalling $11,000. Oh please, they can't expect Bobby Brown to scrape up that kinda scratch these days.

• Mischa Barton's shirt says "Drop knowledge, not bombs". But what she's really dropping is a big ole doo log of an outfit.

• Carmen Electra poses for some nice "F U, Dave" shots.

• The "Marie Antoinette Association" of France are hopping mad about Kirsten Dunst's portrayal of the queen in Sofia Coppola's new film, helpfully titled Marie Antoinette. A spokesperson for the association hisses, "I've seen the trailer for the film on the internet. It is a fright. We've spent years trying to convince people that the queen was not just a libertine who told the starving to eat cake. What do you see on the trailer? You see Marie Antoinette eating cake. You see her lying naked on a chaise longue. I fear the film is going to set us back many years." God, just think of all the advancements these people have made by dressing up in powdered wigs and sending out mimeographed newsletters . . . down the drain! All those hours spent planning historical reenactment dinners--wasted! And just wait until people see the movie and actually believe that Marie Antoinette was a fang-toothed California blonde who listened to New Order! It'll be anarchy! Civil war! Innocents will be slaughtered! Pestilence will sweep the land! Sacre bleu!  

It's been fourteen long years in the making, but Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown are finally Splitsville. No word yet in regards to the cause of the breakup, but in situations like this, it's usually because one of them got clean. And seeing how Whitney's been appearing in public with her wig on straight while wearing weather-appropriate clothing, we're banking on her. Congrats!  

Beware, little children: If you work really, really hard to evolve from your local gospel choir to garishly colored videos on MTV requiring eighteen cans of Aquanet per performer, then transition yourself into an "actress" who gets to swoon over pre-Waterworld, pre-happy endings Kevin Costner, there will be a downside. You will soon meet up with a former boybander and be led down the fiery path to crack-addiction hell and your bathroom will look like this:



Oh, if only Whitney Houston had married that nice Ralph Tresvant instead!  

We all know that Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston are double-dipped in crazy, so what's it like growing up with the doody bubbles as your parental figures? Apparently it causes you to accept MySpace as your personal friend and confidante.  

When the first decade of the 21st century draws to a close who will you think of as the most devastating celebrity de-coupling? Brad and Jen? Nick and Jessica? The Hoff and anonymous blonde? No, we're guessing your five-years-from-now self will be the most torn up over Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown.  

Obviously Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown are way too comfortable with their bodily functions. Not only do they freely talk about the various things coming out of their asses, they do in front of television cameras. But then we can’t poop unless the bathroom door is locked, the lights are out, and the house is completely silent, so maybe we’re the one with the problem.  

• Pink proposed to her boyfriend, motocross racer and Surreal Life star Carey Hart. Not to be confused with Corey Hart. That would just be preposterous.

• Looks like Stella Lost Her Groove again. Because, as it turns out, her groove was A Gay.

• Fergie scares us. Fergie looks like a Cabbage Patch Kid that grew up and turned into a gypsy tweaker. But apparently, that's a look Josh Duhamel likes enough that he wants to wake up next to it for the rest of his life, so, you know. We're shutting up now.

• Bobby and Whitney say: You don't know true love until you've dug impacted feces out of your lover's sphincter.

• Brangelina gets attacked by some crazy punk kid! Not screwing? Pfft.

•Hey, look. Mariah Carey has a new boyfriend.